Now, the real work begins..Part II

[broke]

Thank you, Vanilla. I made my changes in red. You really are a very generous and special person to spend so much time on my sitch. I am very grateful and feel much more prepared due to all the kindness from the people on this board.

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OK let's now form these up to boundary statements that you can enforce and keep to.

Otherwise if you are in a difficult position you will be cornered.

Not quite there yet

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Tyler and Vanilla,

Thank you so much for your posts. It really helps to have you share your personal experiences for me to draw from. It is invaluable.

Tyler - you are absolutely right. I don't want to be friends with who my H is right now. That is a great way to approach the situation.

Vanilla - I can't tell you how much I appreciate you taking all that time to help me out. Really very kind of you. I love your ideas and suggestions because this is what I have been struggling with over the past week (i.e. friends vs. civil co-parents).

Glad to help you define your action statements

Texts and emails:

Agree with your suggestions 100%

OK, remember if what you do works for YOU then fine, if not adjust.

When WH texts me then I will respond immediately if emergency regarding children and if the matter proves to be trivial then I will take no action.

If WH texts me about a trivial issue then I will respond when convenient for me

If WH texts me regarding our R (although there has been nothing about that in weeks, so probably not a concern right now) then I will not respond, if he persists then I will advise that I do not respond by texts to those communications

if WH texts about matters regarding our D or finances then I will refer him to my L, if he persists then I will advise that I refer these matters to my L and will send him my Ls telephone number.

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I think it's your turn to convert these to enforceable boundaries.

Conversations (very rare - usually communicate through text or email):

If WH wants to talk to me about important issues regarding the children or the house/belongings, we can schedule a time to talk by phone or in person.
If WH wants to talk about the divorce, then I will direct him to speak with our attorneys.
If WH wants to discuss anything about our R, I will attempt to validate any of his feelings and concerns and direct the conversation to a different topic. If he persists, I will say that I am not going to discuss our R while you are having an active affair.

Meetings:

If WH wants to have a meeting, I will limit it to very important, time-sensitive issues about the kids. I will be civil, end the meeting before he does and will not engage in small talk about other items.

Specific boundaries with regards to the kids:

- handovers: we both drop off the kids at the front or back door. No conversations or entry into each others' homes; just a wave if we see each other.

Remember your behaviour, your boundary. What happens if your WH enters without being invited?
Hmmmm…this one is tricky because I don’t want to get into argument in front of the children. Is it okay to say “I think it is best that we stick to dropping off the kids at the door”.

- birthdays for kids: we had family dinner on S15 birthday. Was horrible interaction. Will not be an issue until May but will inform H that we will do separate birthday celebrations with the boys.

- family events: The H and I will not attend family events with in-laws. (My family hates H right now; his family misses me, but I have blocked them on facebook and informed them that we won't be in contact until the D is final)

- School events/kids activities: I have maintained my distance from H. I sit or stand away from him. I will be civil and abrupt if I have to interact. I will smile, act light and breezy (thanks, Thornton)

- Teacher conferences: coming up soon in March. Will arrive early and sit outside the classroom, so don't have to interact with H. Will direct all conversation to teacher. While walking out, be civil and abrupt.


Couple questions:

1. what to do about packing for kids for vacations with their dad? In the past, I have let him come in the house and assist them so they don't forget anything (and I am not his "assistant" anymore for him to ask me to do his chores). My proposal is to continue to have him pack with them and make sure that I will be out of the house during those times.

Decide what is best for your kids and work from that.
The best option for the kids is that they pack and I confirm that they have what they need. That also keeps WH out of the house.

2. S15 enters golf tournaments and the parents walk and watch. My proposal is I maintain my distance from H and walk with other parents or by myself. This may be tough because the H really seems to want to be my friend. Should I tell him something about us not walking together? Or, just be civil and abrupt and move away when it is reasonable to do so?

Which of these is right for you? If one doesn't work can you do the other? What would be the enforcement if you said don't walk together and WH wanted to be 'friends' ?
Good point. First, I will be civil, smile and move away from him when it is convenient. If WH doesn’t get the hint, I will tell him that I would prefer to walk by myself or with others.

So, in the last 3-4 weeks, I did a 180 and let go of my anger about the PA to be civil co-parents. I made a couple mistakes encouraging this "friendship" with my H during that time:

- went to his parents' 50th wedding anniversary party (his parents cried they were so happy to see me and both his brothers said that no matter what I was still their "sister"). Since then, I have had no contact and gently told them I was blocking them from facebook until the D was final. In addition, I won't be going to any more family events.

What was your mistake in this exactly?
Accepting his invitation to his parent’s anniversary party allowed WH to think he and I could still be friends after our divorce. His family would like me to remain as their daughter-in-law and sister but that is not realistic, especially given his OW. I sent WH the wrong message that I will attend family events with him as friends. It also may have given our children “false hope” about reconciliation.

- I let S12 invite my H over for the first half of the Super Bowl and we watched it as a family. No more family events while PA going on.

Can you put this as a boundary statement?
We will not be doing activities as a family while WH is engaged in a PA. It sends the wrong message to the children and I do not want to be friends with WH.

- On Sunday, we had a family lunch to discuss a couple important kid issues that were time sensitive. Next time, an email or phone call will do.

This one is very easy to do as a boundary!
We will schedule a phone call or conversation to discuss any critical issues related to the children.


I cannot tell you all how much I appreciate all the feedback, personal stories and generous advice. This "friend zone" issue has been weighing on me heavily. I wasn't sure what to do - I now know that I am the friendly yet not so friendly neighbor. I know most of my boundaries (thanks V!) and will stick with them.

One last question: The H has said in the past that the A is over because the OW is working on her M with her husband. I don't necessarily believe him. Also, he still insists that we are getting divorced. Do I stick with same boundaries if I find out that the A is actually over?

Yes very much so, your boundaries may include apologies, transparency and a letter to OW from WH terminating their R officially. You adapt slowly to the change.

Thank you, thank you!


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