Ojap's Story

[Ojap]

Okay guys...I need some feedback. Had good session with my therapist today. He helped me identify my big anxiety triggers and gave me some exercises. Also...I asked if I should share some of my concerns with W at MC this Saturday. He recommended I contact MC and ask opinion...I did...and she feels it is very appropriate given our situation.

That being said...I've made some 'notes' for myself. I'll post them below. Some may not make a lot of sense from the outside...so I'll try to explain in parenthesis.

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First Off:
-You were amazing for (censored) and her family. I know you must have been completely burned out (12 days straight work + 2 days of traveling). Awesome job! (Wife sat Sun-Tues nights w/ young mother with cancer so the dad could see their kids)

Personal Stuff:
Your Personal Goals to be INDEPENDENT and to ASSERT what is best for you:
Awesome that you…
-Tried the Zoomba class @ the gym
-Go to the Drug Rep dinners (business but also a great social outlet)
-Personal pampering stuff (nails, etc.)
-Went out to lunch last Friday during work (this is something she has never really done, work is intense)
I’ve made some personal adjustments that have helped me, as well:
-Eating healthier
-Exercising
-Hung out w/ buddy, had personal time, etc.
-Been seeing a Therapist.

Relationship Stuff:
Positive actions I want to acknowledge:
-You ‘quasi-asked’ if I wanted to walk/run w/ you.
-You asked my input on your attendance to your work friend’s SuperBowl Party
-You opened up to me about how you were feeling in a phone conversation following D9's meeting last Thursday. (This was a VERY difficult convo for me...but I validated and kept up my DBing)

I hope I have made some positive strides that you recognize as well…

Concerns I have:
-I am very much aware that I contributed to some of these issues. I am culpable.
-I am doing my best to NOT attack, but to share my perspective and articulate what I have learned in my personal time and w/ my Therapist.

-Two main topics:
1. Although I understand that I have contributed to this…the intense secrecy with which you protect your cell phone (especially) and your laptop is alarming for me.
-I can understand wanting to ‘avoid’ misunderstanding on my part that lead to arguments. (when/if I see a message that I take out of context)
-I can only see a couple of viable options for the protection:
A - Wanting to ‘avoid’ misunderstanding on my part that lead to arguments.
B - There really is something to hide.
-The level of protection you have applied feels dangerous to our chances. In my mind, it does not foster trust. I can honestly say that there is nothing in any of my devices that I would not be ‘okay’ with you seeing/reading.

2. Bring your attention to our discussion about our taxes and my CPAP bill
-I sent a text, we discussed the options, did the work that evening, and made a joint decision. Awesome.
-A few days later I saw that you paid a significant medical bill off to (censored).
-Paying the bill=Awesome. Not talking at all to me about it=NOT Awesome

-Theses two main issues feel like they are marching YOU further away from US, not closer to US.
-From my perspective they cause a HIGH amount of anxiety, stress, and distrust. It will be very difficult for me to move forward if we can’t RENEGOTIATE a compromise that we are both comfortable with in these two critical areas of trust.

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Alright guys...let it rip.