Marriage Crumbling

[Vanilla]

I have to work on my responses. I just don't know how to respond sometimes. She often rakes me over the coals over something small where a simple mention of it would have sufficed and made her point. Instead, the point gets completely missed and I usually get defensive. I have to learn to keep it simple and take some pages from the validation cheat sheets. I think my problem is while I'm fine use validation I'm also trying to address the way she speaks to me in the same sentence and maybe that just doesn't work. Eg. "I understand you are frustrated but you don't need to speak to me that way". Suggestions?

Validation 101 using but turns a validation into an invalidation and becomes neither a boundary nor a validation. Very weak.

I think you need much stronger boundary statements:

I understand your frustration and when you speak to me with X attitude then I am unlikely to want to cooperate with you. If this continues then I will walk away.
Second time

W I advised you that when you speak to me without courtesy I will walk away so I am leaving the room now.

W has been looking for more work outside the house and has now taken one 5 hour day a week at a part-time job in her field while still working out of the house. She started looking for work when we started having problems recently and I assume she was more preparing for if we did split up as I bring in 95% of the household income. Either way, she needs to get out there and work more but I haven't asked this of her as I did not want the resentment from her - she needed to do this on her own and she has so I'm thankful for that. She is looking into other jobs as well - if she could fill even 3 days a week it would make a huge impact in our financial challenges and I think she's finally realized it.

Good

Still struggling to maintain some distance but have not tripped up other than the hug yesterday. I wonder if she'll ever feel close to me again in such a way that she would want to hug or kiss me. I want her heart back and the rest will fall into place.

Remember it's your actions that you are responsible for. W is responsible for hers. You have no control

Regards

V