Now what/ Take 2

[TxHubby]

In other crushing news, as I pay all the bills, H had a recurring charge on one of his credit cards, that I had seen 3 months ago, but didn't really pay attention. Til today when I saw it again. Its an on line dating site. I have no freaking idea how, or if, I should address that.

This [censored] but yes, you have to address that. You came upon this information in a completely "legitimate" way. You pay the bills and wondered what this was. It is absolutely unacceptable for a married person to engage in an online dating site. Marriage is a social contract that must be respected by both parties. Trolling online dating sites is a violation of that contract, extremely hurtful, extremely disrespectful, and can't be tolerated unless that kind of behavior is agreed on by both partners and done in the open.

Remember me telling you to tell him that you're committed to saving this and making it the best marriage it can be? Well, part of that is that he's committed to it 100% too. Using online dating sites for any reason, even just window shopping, is not part of being 100% committed to your marriage. All I can tell you is what the new and improved TxHubby would do. I'd say I found this, I absolutely don't approve. I can't control you but I will not be in a marriage where my partner is trolling online dating sites. That is too disrespectful to me and I don't deserve to be treated like that. We have to be in this together or I'll be the one filing for divorce.

Let me say again, that is what the new and improved TxHubby would say and in my case that works like a charm. The old TxHubby would have fretted over it, lost sleep, not wanted to confront her for fear she'd blow up and want to leave me again. You get the picture. You can't be a doormat because nobody respects a doormat.

[kyrie]

yeah, I'm not sure what to tell you. Has he had a PA?
With your new job, sometimes they have a "EAP" - employee assistance program (or similar) where they'll pay for a few counseling sessions (they have to set it up though!). Or, your health insurance sometimes has a similar benefit.

[melweb]

Geez. I did not realize it has been so long since I have posted. I guess that is a good thing(?). I have been busy with orientations and paperwork regarding new job. I am excited to get started for sure!!

Thanks TxHubby. I did address the on-line dating site issue. During date nite...yikes, in a non confrontational way. Credit cards/bills/debt had come up in conversation, and I said "oh, by the way, I saw this on x card and was not sure if that was something you wanted to continue." After an uncomfortable giggle, he said he thought he cancelled that, said he did it like 2 days after he said ILYBNILY. I said "Welll?" I joked about it a few more times, quoting some of his profile description, then let it go.
He cancelled it the following morning.

kyrie.. I am really not sure if he had a PA or not. I do not think so as there is no unaccounted for time, late work nights, disappearing on the weekends, with the exception of two trips that I am aware of three hours north of here. So maybe a one night (or two, I guess) stand. But I really really really feel like an EA is happening. I cannot prove or disprove, as I have no access to his phone, his email etc.
He guards his phone like he is in the CIA, sets it face down when he's not on it (HAHA), switches off when I walk in--all really super suspicious stuff. It has come up in convo, and he says he does not want me to get the wrong idea. I told him I that I already have the wrong idea, because of the way he is acting. I feel like I cannot push this issue as he has already told me that he is keeping these new "friends" and that he will do whatever it takes to be happy, "at all costs."

I will look into any assistance that my employer has regarding counseling. I do not remember it coming up in the orientations, but it doesn't hurt to ask.

[melweb]

I am pretty sure I already said this, but this piecing stuff seems harder than actually knowing, or at least thinking, that H was walking out the door. The DR was my manual - now I feel like I'm just winging it. Sure, I have maintained my 180s and upped my GAL, vaildate all the freaking time, and try to remain detatched. However, it feels like its one step forward and two steps back. Plus I am competing with his cell phone which is going to send me to the looney bin very soon.

Also, I feel like some of the progress has been undone. While we haven't slept in the same bedroom in 18 yrs, he had been in my room til 11:00 pm, then coming back in the early morning to snuggle. In the past few weeks, that has been cut to about 8:00, and the last few nights not at all. I have mentioned that this is important to me/us, but his reply is he is tired, likes his room better and needs a good night sleep. This is when my dang brain goes into over active imagination mode, and thinks he just wants to text.

He had also started leaving me love notes with my coffee and sending an email during the day, just to say "Hi beautiful," etc. This has stopped too.

I am aware it sounds pitiful, but these were things we talked about, things that got lost in shuffle, and how important the little things were to each of us.

Sure. He could really be tired. I get that. So how do I stop my imagination from taking over and sending me down the " he's not picking me or putting us first" path?

I should tell you too, that some of these things never bothered me before, and now they are driving me batty. Like I left my purse in the grocery cart today batty!! Ugh.

[melweb]

So.... I worked today!! Go me! Two months later than I wanted to, but it is the job I wanted, so its all good. Truly nice to get out of this apartment, and my own head, at least for a little bit.

I am still struggling with my own feelings of jealousy and neediness. And the possibility of an EA. Part of me wants to just 'let it go' so he can hang himself--because of my top two candidates, one is young enough to be his daughter and the other is married. This married one is also having "marriage problems", but he claims she helped him save our marriage.

But the other part of me NEEDS TO KNOW.

I feel like we are slipping backwards a little bit.

[melweb]

I seriously do not know what I am doing!!

I feel like we are back to the beginning, sort of. Not the ILYBNILY beginning, but feel like he is still fence sitting/cake eating regardless of his declaration that he was not leaving and wanted to save this marriage.

I feel like his OSF have escalated, and even more secretive since that declaration.

I feel like he is pulling back some of his open affection that he was displaying immediately following that declaration.

We have (or had) come pretty far, in that we were having lots of R talks, we are having monthly date nights, regular sex, talk of future, we are going to the gym together, etc...all heading in a great direction. Well, Thursday night, he had a few drinks, and starts saying that "there needs to be passion everyday, he needs to think about me, even at work, that the marriage is questionable." He says he does not want the reconciliation to be just about sex, so he cannot just lay in bed with me to watch tv, and Not want sex.

I was like a deer in the headlights, I'm sure. I nodded, said I understood.

Friday we have date night. It went fine. Ended with sex. I continue to hear lots of I love you's, you look nice.

I seriously do not even know what to say to the man. Thinking I need to back off the 180's. (Is that a thing?) For me, they were lots of compliments, and doing "wifey" stuff, basically pursuing.

Any other ideas? I am kind of at a loss.

[melweb]

I am pretty sure possible EA has gone probable PA. While my 'evidence' I suppose, is rather circumstancial, it all adds up to be rather incriminating.
H went on " biz" trip 3 hours north of here, within half hour of where the possible OW's live. I say OWs because I am not sure which one it is.
Anyhow, I checked mileage before and after he left--- too many miles logged to have just gone to where he said he was going. Worse, he left here with a box of condoms and 5 Cialis. Came home with no condoms and 4 Cialis. Not really hard (no pun intended) evidence, but rather damning for sure.

I just do not even know how to address this. He can explain most of it away, and will certainly try, I am sure. I am choosing to wait til he comes back from another biz trip, where he will be gone 7 days. He leaves today. I had previoulsy discounted some of his current behavior, where he has emotionally withdrawn and some of the other progress we made seemed to be regressing, to this biz trip. He is very stressed.

Ironically, I mustered some money to call my IC on Tuesday to help me with some of my feelings and suspicions, and he felt that H was indeed stressed, and if there was an EA, that I coud address that without accusing. And to wait and see how H was after this upcoming trip that has him so stressed out.
Like I have said, I thought/felt things were going pretty good, though he backed off some of lovey dovey stuff.

Any thoughts ideas on how to address an A when you're not 100% sure, and would have to admit to snooping.(I know!! I know!! I broke a rule) PA is not a deal breaker for me. I still want to save this M. Am I back to Square One?

[TxHubby]

I am pretty sure possible EA has gone probable PA. While my 'evidence' I suppose, is rather circumstancial, it all adds up to be rather incriminating.
H went on " biz" trip 3 hours north of here, within half hour of where the possible OW's live. I say OWs because I am not sure which one it is.
Anyhow, I checked mileage before and after he left--- too many miles logged to have just gone to where he said he was going. Worse, he left here with a box of condoms and 5 Cialis. Came home with no condoms and 4 Cialis. Not really hard (no pun intended) evidence, but rather damning for sure.

I just do not even know how to address this. He can explain most of it away, and will certainly try, I am sure. I am choosing to wait til he comes back from another biz trip, where he will be gone 7 days. He leaves today. I had previoulsy discounted some of his current behavior, where he has emotionally withdrawn and some of the other progress we made seemed to be regressing, to this biz trip. He is very stressed.

Ironically, I mustered some money to call my IC on Tuesday to help me with some of my feelings and suspicions, and he felt that H was indeed stressed, and if there was an EA, that I coud address that without accusing. And to wait and see how H was after this upcoming trip that has him so stressed out.
Like I have said, I thought/felt things were going pretty good, though he backed off some of lovey dovey stuff.

Any thoughts ideas on how to address an A when you're not 100% sure, and would have to admit to snooping.(I know!! I know!! I broke a rule) PA is not a deal breaker for me. I still want to save this M. Am I back to Square One?

Leaving with condoms and coming back with less condoms means you're sure. No point in working on a marriage if there are more than two people in it.

[Cristy]

Any thoughts ideas on how to address an A when you're not 100% sure, and would have to admit to snooping.(I know!! I know!! I broke a rule) PA is not a deal breaker for me. I still want to save this M. Am I back to Square One?

Hello Melweb,

You have an awesome sense of humor. Your pun about "hard evidence" had me laughing out loud! Discovering the condoms and cialis is a bit of a smoking gun. How you handle that information is critical.

I totally hear you when you say that you still want to work on this marriage...BRAVO! I don't agree with TxHubby when he says there is no point in working on a marriage if there are more than two people in it. Your DB work just changes.

I highly recommend taking of advantage of the online special for Telephone Coaching. You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our DB coaching program at 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[melweb]

HELP!!

I thought H was leaving today for biz trip but found reservations for hotel ( they were printed out and in the garbage) about 40 mins away. And not just for tonite, but til Saturday.

I am seriously considering driving over there!!!

HELP