As much as it is very hard to change your thinking. Try to think that no one is really happy right now. There is no such a thing.
The point here is that if he is happy or not, it is not for you to worry about and it is not your main focus right now.
What is important is to get yourself into a more stabilized being so you will be in a better state of mind to deal with whatever comes your way.
Red you know I did not want my D and yet I was the one to make it happen. It some point when I saw that things were getting bad, I tough about myself and my kids and our financial safety, and not the least my well being and physical safety too, even tough my H was never abusive.
I know you want your H, your M, your F... that is why you are here. But those are battles that can be fought even after the D.
I like your scape plan and as well all what you are doing to prepare yourself for the worse. That's well done girl. At your age I had my blue hair, blue motorcycle and a lot of freedom to just party all the time. I feel for you, but you may not be the old lady trying to learn a lot at this point in life, you will be wiser.
I know how you feel about not knowing anymore. When I came to the board I got a little mixed up about all you need to do to show change, be happy and strong, do it for yourself, GAL, it is all so overwhelming.
The info is all available to you and many people in this board will help you to get yourself on your feet again. It is a network of support that really works wonders to boost your ego.
The changes will come slowly at first, you won't even notice all what is changing inside of you until you are more relaxed about your sitch. But you will change, you will put yourself first in terms of respect, self worthy, independence and individuality.
We can't see the whole picture at first and some stuff don't even make sense, like GAL when all what you want is to hide in a dark corner. But it works. I really works if you find you own pace and give yourself the chance to see what is around you beside the person that is hurting you right now.
I know you can do it because I got myself to a better place too. I don't feel the same agony I used to. I am doing a lot and know that I am strong enough to do more. I still cry, and punch the wall of the internet crying like a baby and siting with Wonka once in awhile to learn more.
I do this here, I share my issues with my friends here. And amazing as it is life is changing again.
These days my XH's affair became just an accident in the past. I do not bother myself anymore about this. He is even coming around more and saying that he is not with her for a long time.
So you see, the more I have my own life and deal with my own happiness, the more he is noticing that he is the idiot missing it all. Life does turn around sometimes.
And what I said about the confrontations is because you are writing in a way to make us understand that your H has become this monster in the last two months or so. Some things that we do to DB our crisis are not really a good advice for a situation that may be violent.
If you know that your H can snap badly and very fast, then do not push him there. It can be dangerous for you and we well know that some men can become violent and hit their wives. Go with the flow then and get your papers done asap.
Or some help mention by V and Wonka that may be available in your area.
Sometimes you do not need to show so openly that he is losing control, maybe it is easier if you don't rebel. In this case, IMO, there is not much of a choice besides getting away from him with a legal separation or D.
