Rednail, I read your story and see your age, and it brings tears to my eyes. I can understand your emotions, but I fear for you. I have a feeling if your H dumped OW and came home tomorrow, you would welcome him home with open arms. And the abuse would just continue. And that would be disasterous for you and your kids.
I married my ex when I was 24, had our IVF baby at 27, 6 months later he left me for OW. I was with ex since were 18-19. He was not abusive to the extent of your H, but he tore me down for the whole time we were together, was outrightly verbally abusive at times, and just destroyed me. I wanted nothing more for than him to come home. He never did, and he married OW. I am now 35. My daughter is now 8, I am not remarried, and I had one relationship since. But my life is infinitely better. My D8 loves her dad (but he does do some of what he did to me, to her, defeating her self-esteem) he has her every other weekend and one night a week. Ex and I get along, and I even get along with OW/W now. I realize she might actually be the stability for my D over there.
The blessing you have right now is an excellent support system. Your family and your friends and their family. Being a single mom is scary. I was fortunate I had a good career. Actually, it was at 25 I graduated from nursing school and began my career. I was in school while we were married.
You have a whole life ahead of you. You can start a career, take advantage of the help you have from others, look into programs in college that support single mothers.
I know after so many years of kind of being "brainwashed" into thinking this person you love so dearly you can't see life any other way. But he is very controlling and abusive. Unless he got help and recognized his problems and proved it to you, you should not be in the same home with him.
I know sometimes I hated hearing on these boards and IRL that me being so young was such a blessing, but it kind of was. Not because it gave me a chance to find someone else (which I haven't yet) but it gave me the gift of regaining my self worth and life and not having to live anymore years of my life being treated like doo-doo.
I'm proud of all the steps you have taken. You have a plan, you are GAL. But I will seriously urge you, even though this is a divorce busting board, please do not let this man back in if he just decides he's done with OW and wants to come back to control you.
You have a whole life ahead of you. Please, for your sake and the sake of your kids, do not let the abuse continue.
Ginger- I dont think I would. I think I would still get the divorce but I honestly do not know.
His mom called me today. I cried..she was checking on me. She wanted to know ots okay this divorce is happening and she knows it is hard having him love her. ( apparently he is now telling everyone he is in love and shes the one..)
That hurt. She wanted to tell me she loves me and the OW cant be there until after the divorce.
She asked if I wanted to have S3 birthday there like always as a family..
I said I do not know.
I really am broken today again. I love my in laws but they are so accepting of the ow aka my ex best friend and what he is doing that it hurts me.
Well not accepting but not saying anything to him since they cant stop him.
The ILs are in an awkward spot too. It does not mean that they really accept the OW. They really don't have a choice since H is an adult and see that he is making his own choices.
I don't care about H. I care about YOU.
You might want to talk with the state DV coalition about safety planning. They are the experts in ensuring that you leave the situation without any potential harm to you and the children. Not only that, they should have a network of pro bono attorneys that can work on your case. Take advantage of this resource, honey.
There's life after leaving an abusive marriage. I have heard some really deeply personal stories from women firsthand on how they've thrived after divorcing their abusive husbands and have gone on to re-marry loving, supportive men. There's a bright, glorious light at the end of your dark tunnel. Keep looking to your North Star and it will never fail you.
It is not for not nothing we keep calling it a rollercoaster. Not just the WS erratic behavior, but our own emotions. It's typical to feel strong and confident one day and despondent and down the next. Tomorrow may be better.
I am so happy to see that your brother is willing to help you financially! What a huge relief!
You achieved a lot yesterday, that was a huge effort and very empowering.
At some point, when WH asks and probes, I think you could say that you don't understand why he wants to talk to you all the time when he has left you for another woman. Ask him if he understands that it's making it harder for you to move on. You can do this in a non-accusing tone.
It's baffling to me that he is so pursuing contact.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
It's baffling to me that he is so pursuing contact.
It isn't when taken in the DV context. Abusers need to have a target. They keep in touch to maintain control. As long as one is within their sphere, they will continue to control and manipulate. Divorce is the ONLY option when faced with real abusive situations.
Otherwise one is never truly free of the abuser AND abuse. It is a horrible and vicious cycle.
Personally, I support Red separating and filing for a D. However, it is IMPERATIVE that she work with the state DV on a safety plan first before taking any of these two steps. This is the MOST dangerous phase for it is when the abuser loses it and actually kills the person. They see and know they're losing CONTROL..which causes them to flip out and actually kill their GFs/wives.
Sorry have been so busy with my S18 college stuff, but just updated me and see that lots have been happening.
Red, one thing I noticed is that you mix D with love. Love is a feeling, and much more is a choice. D sometimes comes as pure necessity to put order in our lives.
There is almost nothing in life that is 100% guaranteed and M is one of these things, as well D is one of these things.
Looking back, do you really want the M you had? Probably not, because even a few months into this and you learned tons about yourself, your goals, your choices, R, M and what it takes to live all this inside yourself.
That your H is gone forever... it may be. That the stupid A will last forever... it may be. That they will crash because they are starting a R in a turmoil situation... it is very possible. That you will start a new R with the same man... it is very possible.
So, stop for a moment and think that life is not going to be resolved in a day or two. It will take time and patience to see it unfold.
In the meantime you need to be patient with yourself too and start seeing your own patterns.
I know how hard it is and we all need to make some of the same mistakes in order to learn what is best for us. When you look at yourself, be honest and try to see it for what it is. With mistakes, good stuff, failures, victories and all.
There is a large part of you that is very hurt. The double betrayal is horrific. There is a part of you that is looking after two small children. There is a part of you that is waking up for a sad reality of some level of abuse. There is a part of you that want it all the same because it is hard to change ourselves. There is a part of you that really loves the man.
So embrace it, look at the goals you may have today. If they change in two months then you will adjust. But look at it as a big and large project that may be approved or not.
You are not seeing it, but in between the lines you are telling us that you want a reaction from your H. You are trying to make him jealous and pay attention to what you are doing, so he may snap back and comes running home.
Why I say this? Because I did some of it. This does not work on our benefit, it actually makes things more painful and take longer to change the dynamic and will make the M to go even further into the big black hole.
Sometimes we need to dance according to the music. You look at your situation and you need to assess what is the best way to get the results you need at this moment.
If his thing to get to you is about his phone calls, then answer his bloody calls and say the way it is.
H - Is S3 OK? You - Yes he is OK. H - Why S3 doesn't want to talk to me, it bothers me. You - He is 3 years old and misses you. It is his way to cope with all the changes in his life. We need to work hard to make him feel safe and happy as much as we can.
There, you do not need to put yourself in there, neither your H. It is about the well being of your child. And both of you have the responsibility to make this smooth for your kids as much as possible.
Faking sleep, going to bed for naps. This is a game and you know it. If you don't want the results you are getting then stop the game. Do not play your man because he knows you are doing it.
He probably still loves you, he may still care about you and that is WHY he is a jerk to you. He needs to get rid of his guilt, shame, he needs to justify to himself that it is OK what he is doing to you.
He also developed this need of control, manipulation. The type of work he does won't make it easy to change. He may even be in some kind of PTSD. You said that he wasn't this monster before, so he snapped for some reason and now he is a monster. It also will take some time for him to see all what he is doing to himself. The world he sees everyday is the dirty one that sometimes gets to you, even if you think you are all very tough.
This man married YOU, he had kids with YOU, and if YOU are here is because YOU want to became a better person, YOU want to learn what is important to YOU, and YOU think that it is worth to fight for YOUR marriage.
You may change your opinion about this whole thing and think that it is not worth your time and headache in a month, but then it will be your decision.
Again, you can dance according to the music. Try to minimize confrontations with a man that is totally unbalanced for the moment. Sometimes it is not about the DB rules, it needs to be your safety first and playing games to get his attention may get a lot more then you are aiming for.
Yeah, it is time to endure the burden. Why it happen to you? In my opinion you were chosen to grow into a beautiful human being, that has knowledge of herself and the world that surrounds her. The one that is capable of take hard decisions and yet have a pity party before falling sleep.
See some of the positives a hard situation is bringing to you. Separate things like it is a department store... everything has it is place and it's purpose. And then you will help your mind to work more efficient.
That it is easy? No, the hell it is not easy at all. Even trying your best you will make mistakes. But the important thing is to keep trying, learn more and more every day. After all, the only person that always are beside you, your whole life... IT IS YOU.
Love yourself... and you will be loved!!!
By the way, did you read Sandy 37 Rules, it helps. Adapt to your sitch. We have the same dynamic and subject, but sitches are different.
No, I do want the M I had..maybe an improved one but not the same exact one.
I didn't realize what I was doing and I'm glad you pointed it out. In my head I just donot want to talk or see him and it was my way of dealing.
I guess Ido want a reaction..maybe make me feels like he cares. I don't know.
I just do not know how to be around him, loving him, knowing what he is doing, while still wanting to be with him, but not really be with him. I dont know anymore.
The paragraph of pain is 100% true and exactly how I feel.
I am going to minimize my confrontations..even though I think it will make him happy. Me being nice and happy, his ow nice and happy, kids nice and happy.. Best of everything.
As much as it is very hard to change your thinking. Try to think that no one is really happy right now. There is no such a thing.
The point here is that if he is happy or not, it is not for you to worry about and it is not your main focus right now.
What is important is to get yourself into a more stabilized being so you will be in a better state of mind to deal with whatever comes your way.
Red you know I did not want my D and yet I was the one to make it happen. It some point when I saw that things were getting bad, I tough about myself and my kids and our financial safety, and not the least my well being and physical safety too, even tough my H was never abusive.
I know you want your H, your M, your F... that is why you are here. But those are battles that can be fought even after the D.
I like your scape plan and as well all what you are doing to prepare yourself for the worse. That's well done girl. At your age I had my blue hair, blue motorcycle and a lot of freedom to just party all the time. I feel for you, but you may not be the old lady trying to learn a lot at this point in life, you will be wiser.
I know how you feel about not knowing anymore. When I came to the board I got a little mixed up about all you need to do to show change, be happy and strong, do it for yourself, GAL, it is all so overwhelming.
The info is all available to you and many people in this board will help you to get yourself on your feet again. It is a network of support that really works wonders to boost your ego.
The changes will come slowly at first, you won't even notice all what is changing inside of you until you are more relaxed about your sitch. But you will change, you will put yourself first in terms of respect, self worthy, independence and individuality.
We can't see the whole picture at first and some stuff don't even make sense, like GAL when all what you want is to hide in a dark corner. But it works. I really works if you find you own pace and give yourself the chance to see what is around you beside the person that is hurting you right now.
I know you can do it because I got myself to a better place too. I don't feel the same agony I used to. I am doing a lot and know that I am strong enough to do more. I still cry, and punch the wall of the internet crying like a baby and siting with Wonka once in awhile to learn more.
I do this here, I share my issues with my friends here. And amazing as it is life is changing again.
These days my XH's affair became just an accident in the past. I do not bother myself anymore about this. He is even coming around more and saying that he is not with her for a long time.
So you see, the more I have my own life and deal with my own happiness, the more he is noticing that he is the idiot missing it all. Life does turn around sometimes.
And what I said about the confrontations is because you are writing in a way to make us understand that your H has become this monster in the last two months or so. Some things that we do to DB our crisis are not really a good advice for a situation that may be violent.
If you know that your H can snap badly and very fast, then do not push him there. It can be dangerous for you and we well know that some men can become violent and hit their wives. Go with the flow then and get your papers done asap.
Or some help mention by V and Wonka that may be available in your area.
Sometimes you do not need to show so openly that he is losing control, maybe it is easier if you don't rebel. In this case, IMO, there is not much of a choice besides getting away from him with a legal separation or D.
