Sorry have been so busy with my S18 college stuff, but just updated me and see that lots have been happening.
Red, one thing I noticed is that you mix D with love. Love is a feeling, and much more is a choice. D sometimes comes as pure necessity to put order in our lives.
There is almost nothing in life that is 100% guaranteed and M is one of these things, as well D is one of these things.
Looking back, do you really want the M you had? Probably not, because even a few months into this and you learned tons about yourself, your goals, your choices, R, M and what it takes to live all this inside yourself.
That your H is gone forever... it may be. That the stupid A will last forever... it may be. That they will crash because they are starting a R in a turmoil situation... it is very possible. That you will start a new R with the same man... it is very possible.
So, stop for a moment and think that life is not going to be resolved in a day or two. It will take time and patience to see it unfold.
In the meantime you need to be patient with yourself too and start seeing your own patterns.
I know how hard it is and we all need to make some of the same mistakes in order to learn what is best for us. When you look at yourself, be honest and try to see it for what it is. With mistakes, good stuff, failures, victories and all.
There is a large part of you that is very hurt. The double betrayal is horrific. There is a part of you that is looking after two small children. There is a part of you that is waking up for a sad reality of some level of abuse. There is a part of you that want it all the same because it is hard to change ourselves. There is a part of you that really loves the man.
So embrace it, look at the goals you may have today. If they change in two months then you will adjust. But look at it as a big and large project that may be approved or not.
You are not seeing it, but in between the lines you are telling us that you want a reaction from your H. You are trying to make him jealous and pay attention to what you are doing, so he may snap back and comes running home.
Why I say this? Because I did some of it. This does not work on our benefit, it actually makes things more painful and take longer to change the dynamic and will make the M to go even further into the big black hole.
Sometimes we need to dance according to the music. You look at your situation and you need to assess what is the best way to get the results you need at this moment.
If his thing to get to you is about his phone calls, then answer his bloody calls and say the way it is.
H - Is S3 OK? You - Yes he is OK. H - Why S3 doesn't want to talk to me, it bothers me. You - He is 3 years old and misses you. It is his way to cope with all the changes in his life. We need to work hard to make him feel safe and happy as much as we can.
There, you do not need to put yourself in there, neither your H. It is about the well being of your child. And both of you have the responsibility to make this smooth for your kids as much as possible.
Faking sleep, going to bed for naps. This is a game and you know it. If you don't want the results you are getting then stop the game. Do not play your man because he knows you are doing it.
He probably still loves you, he may still care about you and that is WHY he is a jerk to you. He needs to get rid of his guilt, shame, he needs to justify to himself that it is OK what he is doing to you.
He also developed this need of control, manipulation. The type of work he does won't make it easy to change. He may even be in some kind of PTSD. You said that he wasn't this monster before, so he snapped for some reason and now he is a monster. It also will take some time for him to see all what he is doing to himself. The world he sees everyday is the dirty one that sometimes gets to you, even if you think you are all very tough.
This man married YOU, he had kids with YOU, and if YOU are here is because YOU want to became a better person, YOU want to learn what is important to YOU, and YOU think that it is worth to fight for YOUR marriage.
You may change your opinion about this whole thing and think that it is not worth your time and headache in a month, but then it will be your decision.
Again, you can dance according to the music. Try to minimize confrontations with a man that is totally unbalanced for the moment. Sometimes it is not about the DB rules, it needs to be your safety first and playing games to get his attention may get a lot more then you are aiming for.
Yeah, it is time to endure the burden. Why it happen to you? In my opinion you were chosen to grow into a beautiful human being, that has knowledge of herself and the world that surrounds her. The one that is capable of take hard decisions and yet have a pity party before falling sleep.
See some of the positives a hard situation is bringing to you. Separate things like it is a department store... everything has it is place and it's purpose. And then you will help your mind to work more efficient.
That it is easy? No, the hell it is not easy at all. Even trying your best you will make mistakes. But the important thing is to keep trying, learn more and more every day. After all, the only person that always are beside you, your whole life... IT IS YOU.
Love yourself... and you will be loved!!!
By the way, did you read Sandy 37 Rules, it helps. Adapt to your sitch. We have the same dynamic and subject, but sitches are different.
