Staying the Course Pt. II

[broke]

You know I need to do the same thing. I need to initiate some kind of communication to make sure we are filing jointly for last year. I agree with ciluzen that it has to be done. Can you wait a little longer since it seems like you've done so well detaching? Maybe he will contact you first.... I know you don't want to wait too long but maybe another week can't hurt. Hope you are GAL'ing!

[HopeRB]

Hi guys, sorry just getting back, I had a really rough night. Went to church, and was just overcome with emotion b/c I wish H would come with me since I feel he needs to hear a lot of these messages. Nevertheless, my bro-in-law text me about something business related and we ended up talking on the phone which turned into a convo about me and H's situation. I was very emotional, stood outside in the rain on a very busy street in NYC crying. I told him H doesn't communicate with me at all. BIL told me it seems like H is content and neutral and doesn't seem to care about anything and that he needs to be dealing with the pain like I am but he's just avoiding it hoping it will all just go away. He told me that everyone on his side is very upset and confused.

We hung up then he called me back a bit later when I got home telling me he called H and told him that he is upset with him and that he needs to remember that he has a W and needs to communicate with me regardless of what he decides to do. His family has stepped back from the sitch and let H make his own destructive choices since H decided he wants a D. My BIL didn't tell H that I called but, he said felt he needed to step in b/c how H is treating me is disgusting and that he needs to communicate with me. H only really confides in and leans on his brother, no one else.

So I wake up for therapy this morning and then get a text from H this morning and this is the exchange:

H: How are you doing?
H: Are you around this weekend? I wanted to come and check-in on you.
M: I'm ok. Yes, I should be here.
H: Ok.
H: I'm sorry we haven't spoken, that's not right.
M: I understand. I know you're busy.

I'm hurt for a number of reasons, the main reason being that he wouldn't have called his own wife unless BIL stepped in. Also, "check-in on me"?? I mean hello! The other thing is I'm anxious that this might move us faster to him taking actions that I don't want.

Meanwhile, my therapist told me my balance is too high and basically that I can't continue to come until I pay off my balance. She's been very patient and lenient with me knowing the financial storm I'm in so I'm very grateful and thankful. I told her that maybe I can only come every other week for awhile until I can pay everything on time. This is hard b/c therapy has been one of my only outlets to vent and for biased guidance and now I don't have that as much. Feeling kind of - I can't even describe right now.

[Thornton]

Hope,

I am so sorry you are hurting.

I know it must be so hard to get your mind off of anything else.

If H comes to visit you, you are going to have to dig deep and appear to be ok. Read Sandi's rules a bunch of times before he comes over.

Do you have some friends you can lean on right now? Someone to meet you for a coffee somewhere?

We are all here for you. Come here and vent when you need to.

Hang in there.

[HopeRB]

Did I respond in the right way to H? I was trying to validate but was I too friendly/nice? Should I have been "colder"?

To your point Broke, he did end up contacting first (only b/c he was forced to), so I'll use that time to discuss us filing jointly. I guess thats really all there is to discuss. My BIL brought up a good point last night, "You want to interact and talk with him but what is there to say?" I thought about it and everything I want to say is the opposite of the 180/DB/LRT/GAL school of thought. So, I guess I have nothing to say. I just want to interact more so he can see that I am not the woman he left and that's he's an idiot to leave me.

I'm so angry and disappointed. Therapy is rough and today I revealed that I just want to feel safe and secure in my relationships and things in life. I've never felt stable in anything and when I met H, I finally felt like this was for me, I am loved and feel stable with this man. And then I'm met again with abandonment and instability - things I've dealt with my entire life.

[HopeRB]

And thank you Thornton. I am going to study Sandi's rules and all of the wise advice on here and act "as if" b/c at this point, I am.

Since this whole thing, I've decided not to discuss my inner thoughts and emotions with too many ppl so no, there aren't too many folks I can lean on. I've been a self-soother and going to God with everything. And I'm happy I'm here now. Thank you all.

[broke]

Hope,

I am so sorry you are feeling so low. Remember I am new to this db'ing and I am still making tons of mistakes, but, IMHO, I think you should only meet with your H this weekend if you think you can stick to db'ing. Otherwise, it may do exactly what you don't want to do: force him to take actions you don't want. He may feel backed into a corner to rush into decisions. He is still in affair fog and it will cloud his judgment. Can you just stick to the tax information, be light and breezy just to show how you are doing and then end the interaction before he does? I hope some others weigh in here, but that is my opinion. Take it for what it's worth.

Also, I don't know if you saw Vanilla's post to my sitch, but take a look. It is extremely helpful and you may get some good advice on there from her, too.

I hope you can get some exercise or do something that moves you forward today....thinking of you

[HopeRB]

broke, I have the same thoughts as you and this is already good advice.

So I'm going to make sure I can stick to DBing if I meet with him and if I feel I can't, then I will have to tell him I am unavailable. But I so want to see his face, hear his voice. Before, when we were in false reconciliation and he was fighting with himself to come back home and, I was able to start our in person interactions very light and breezy, aloof and fun but then started to drift into "come back home" mode which I realize made me look pathetic and only made him move on guilt. This will of course need to be a completely different interaction and this is the pressure point for me and where I need clear guidance on what to do.

I just finished reading V's post and digesting it...had a few questions based on what you said. Thank you for your support today, broke.

[HopeRB]

And I'm wondering was it bad to talk to BIL in the first place? Was my interaction with H good? Should I have said more? Less? Has he mentally moved on since he is so content and has an avoidant personality?

[broke]

Hope,

In my opinion your texting with your H was good - civil and abrupt. Nothing to dissect or find fault with.

I am not sure that talking to the BIL was a good idea. I would love nothing more than to tell all of my in-laws what a cheating liar my H is, but he is still their sibling and son. It would just make things worse - talking to your BIL may have encouraged H to contact you. But, I don't think you want him to contact you because his brother told him it was his obligation. That being said, you can't dwell on it. Now, you take the opportunity to db, be all business about the taxes, light and breezy and you end the interaction first. You can do it. Every opportunity is a learning one. I don't think one mistake will make or break our chances of reconciliation. I don't think it works that way.

Your questions about him moving on and why we really can't answer is because it is mind-reading. The only thing we can control is ourselves and our reactions to our WAS. You have a plan for Saturday, your text with H was good and you knew to ask if it was a good idea to talk to your BIL. So, I think you are on the right track.

[HopeRB]

Thanks for weighing in, broke. It's hard b/c his family is literally like my family. They reach out to me and they keep telling me I can call anytime to vent and they haven't ex-communicated me and that they are praying for us, etc. They even offered to help me with my doctor bills to help me keep my sanity but of course, I politely declined b/c that would be just crazy.

But I will be all business and like posters on your board are saying, treat him like the friendly neighbor, light, cool, calm and collected. Writing that made me laugh b/c I used to be that gal when we first met and that's something he loved about me. He would always say, "It's just so easy with you." And I agree broke in that I don't think one mistake will make/break but I do know consistency is everything for myself and for the M.