Man....I am so very sorry for the journey you've been on! Loads of strength, I can see in you. Some of the boundaries you set (no yelling, respect, etc) were fantastic.
It really is sad to see the WW! I know, being guys, we can't fully understand it, but it is truly horrible to witness and even more to be the LBS. Keep your head up TODAY! One day. One decision at a time.
Ojap M 13 T 15 D 11 D 11 D 9 BD #1: ILYBNILWY 09/2015 BD #2: W asks for S 12/2015 ---------- Currently: Limbo
First this happened this morning: This morning our D5 was crying and wanted mom to ride with us to School. The WW looked at me and asked what happened, why is D5 acting like this? I looked WW in the eyes and said “seriously”? Our D5 is worried that mommy wont be around again, after she took off for 3 days then when she did return would only hang out for a few hours (she did move back in last weekend) Our S6 is also have emotional issues at School and we got a call yesterday from the teacher, he has not been himself for the last two weeks. Well guess what happened two weeks ago? She filed for divorce then left for the better part of a week. The WW got in the car and came with us, on the way home not a word was spoken.
I snooped!!! I know I shouldn't have but it did give me some great insight. She was in the garage talking to the OM and I could hear everything from the adjoining room.
Reality is starting to set in and she doesn't know what to do, she wished someone could just tell her what to do.
So here are the main points.
Seeing the kids hurting is killing her. We have not talked to them yet, she hasn't wanted to.
She doesn’t think I support her at all, even with the offer for her to move out take time before moving ahead with divorce. I regret offering that now.
She would rather die then stay married to me. She doesn’t love me, how can she work on it?
The OM tells her maybe she should stay married and try, that people do fall back in love and it would be best for the kids. WTH??
She is confused, hurting, and not sure what to do.
OM is working on his own stuff and not coming back anytime soon or at all.
She thinks she is a burden to everybody, we want her to be a Stepford wife.
Nobody supports or understands her, just the OM.
She just wants to get this “Stuff” done ASAP and be over with it.
The kids are the only thing causing her pause, she “doesn’t give an Eff about me”. I only see her as property and she is invisible to me. All her words.
She is tired
She is awoken to true love and can never go back to sleep.
She would love to go to his State/Town but can’t with the kids.
She goes on telling the OM how amazing he is, she would do anything in the world for him, blah blah blah.
What worries me the most is her comments, She feels there is not light, no answers, and no way out. She is a burden on everyone. Should I be concerned of her hurting herself?
Is reality starting to set in? Is she having second thoughts? Is she using the kids as an excuse on why she might be having second thoughts? Or Did he back out on her and now she is trying to pursue him?
What should I do next? Stay as much NC as I can, or work on 180’s? Should I move faster on the divorce stuff?
I think I am not detaching well!! Help!!
I still have not been served and it’s been 2 weeks.
DadsCB, I sort of think she is pursuing OM but it also sounds as though she is hurting about the family. It sounds as though OM is ending the A and she is pursuing while he is distancing. However, it sounds like in her thought process she is figuring staying with you if things can't move fwd with OM.
I certainly would not move D any faster unless you want D. I would also stay as detached as possible. Don't initiate contact and when in contact be friendly but not smothering.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
It's always good to get another perspective, well as much as you can gleam from MY post.
I agree with you that the OM is ending the A or at least not willing to move here. That still doesn't change the 1+ Year she has been convincing herself that she doesn't love me. I am working on detaching still and no contact, it's not easy with her still in the house. I'm not complaining, from what it sounds like having her still in the house is a good thing. I think?
Interesting, she has been texting me allot more during work hour the last two days with questions that could wait until I get home. I don't reply, I will answer the questions when I get home.
IDK whether that is a good sign or not. I had a discussion about how to handle texts and pc from my WW. My plan is that I do not answer every one but go back and forth. Or wait a bit to answer. It sounds manipulative (and maybe it is) but the communication is "you left me! I am not longer obliged to coming running when you call." But answering the ones also continues the conversation so she can see my changes and GALing. Just something to think about. You don't want to push her away by punishing her either.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
I agree with both of you. I think she lost OM and is in withdrawal.
Definately back off of her, let her notice your absence. Don't give in too easily, Dads. If she is trying to convince herself to warm back up to you, you want to make sure it takes hold. Can't do this by welcoming her back with open arms.
Keep up the detachment. Her words don't seem to specific yet in regards to you worrying about her hurting herself. She may be having some ideations...but you would need to hear specific 'cries for help',
You weren't the recipient of those thoughts. She directed them at OM who is ending A. Totally different perspective
Ojap M 13 T 15 D 11 D 11 D 9 BD #1: ILYBNILWY 09/2015 BD #2: W asks for S 12/2015 ---------- Currently: Limbo
I really enjoy your vocabulary and articulation. You're an eloquent writer.
Correct, she was talking to the OM and now I see that she was threatening him in a way. Basically doing the Begging, pleading, and crying dance. The opposite of what I have done with her.
I will keep working on detaching, 180's, GAL, and be pleasant to be around. Try not to punish her with my hurt.
Thanks for the support my DB friends, I'll be on later and read up on your situations.
Seeing the kids hurting is killing her. We have not talked to them yet, she hasn't wanted to. Fantasy feels good. Reality hurts.
She doesn’t think I support her at all, even with the offer for her to move out take time before moving ahead with divorce. I regret offering that now. WW's b.s.
She would rather die then stay married to me. She doesn’t love me, how can she work on it? Are you asking us how she can work on it, or is she saying it?
The OM tells her maybe she should stay married and try, that people do fall back in love and it would be best for the kids. WTH?? He's trying to get out of hot water and get her to leave him alone, so he's suggesting she goes back from where she came.
She is confused, hurting, and not sure what to do. The pain of being a WW.
OM is working on his own stuff and not coming back anytime soon or at all. Good!
She thinks she is a burden to everybody, we want her to be a Stepford wife. Pity Party!
Nobody supports or understands her, just the OM.
She just wants to get this “Stuff” done ASAP and be over with it.
The kids are the only thing causing her pause, she “doesn’t give an Eff about me”. I only see her as property and she is invisible to me. All her words. WW b.s.
She is tired Pity Party!
She is awoken to true love and can never go back to sleep. Pity Party and Jr. Hi School Drama
She would love to go to his State/Town but can’t with the kids. Pity Party!
She goes on telling the OM how amazing he is, she would do anything in the world for him, blah blah blah. Pity Party!
What worries me the most is her comments, She feels there is not light, no answers, and no way out. She is a burden on everyone. Should I be concerned of her hurting herself? I think it is her being melodramatic, which is pretty common for a WW. She may threaten something with OM, but I wouldn't be too worried about it. Stay aware and if she starts making stronger statements, then you may need to take it more seriously.
Is reality starting to set in? Yes
Is she having second thoughts? Not yet, she's stinging from OM's rejection of her. However, this is good b/c it may prompt her into having second thoughts.
Is she using the kids as an excuse on why she might be having second thoughts? Well, she's made it clear it ain't you. Or Did he back out on her and now she is trying to pursue him? Yep!
What should I do next? Stay as much NC as I can, or work on 180’s? Don't pursue. GAL and be mysterious while she's there. Should I move faster on the divorce stuff? No
I think I am not detaching well!! Help!! Read the detaching page (did I send it to you) once a day.
I still have not been served and it’s been 2 weeks. Don't worry about it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
