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[Thornton]

Someguy,

She might be baiting you. She'll get you into a fight and then decide to seperate after you lose your cool. That way she can point the finger at you.

Sandi - what do you advise here?

[Ojap]

Hey Someguy,

I'm new...just wanted to drop in and say thoughts are w/ you, man!

The ups, downs, and emotional contortions made by the WW, or WAW are mind boggling. SO sorry you're in the midst of this mess.

Thornton has a valid concern...any major departure like that is begging for you to react. One of the biggest lessons I've learned in the past couple of months (one I failed at today) is to step back (for me it can take a couple of hours) and let my emotions happen internally. Then...after the 'rush' is over...I can do a better job of looking at the situation with more clarity.

Also...when it's a biggie...like the curve ball you got...I try to do a run/jog, or something physical. Def clears the head for me.

Keep at it!

[someguy1233]

I'm debating letting her know remaining friends wouldn't happen. I know myself too well; I wouldn't be able to move past her. I would have to keep all communication related to the kids only. Should I tell her?

Has she asked? If she hasn't then don't say anything, but be ready b/c most of the WW's want to be BFF'S with the man they don't respect or want as a H!

Anyone can be her friend. Only one will be her H.

Thanks for commenting, Sandi. I've been reading your wisdom a lot lately.

She hasn't asked if we'd be friends. But at our therapy session on Saturday she mentioned that her dream world involved us living next door to each other raising our kids together being friends.

Tonight she mentioned "best friend." Details to follow in my update post--

[someguy1233]

Someguy,

She might be baiting you. She'll get you into a fight and then decide to seperate after you lose your cool. That way she can point the finger at you.

Sandi - what do you advise here?

Interesting thought. I hadn't considered that. Tonight she made an interesting comment. She said, "do you want to talk about stuff since we're in the house together for a change? I can't keep going on being so depressed and you just seem like you're in a perpetual state of happiness, which I guess might be your coping mechanism."

Hey Someguy,

I'm new...just wanted to drop in and say thoughts are w/ you, man!

The ups, downs, and emotional contortions made by the WW, or WAW are mind boggling. SO sorry you're in the midst of this mess.

Thornton has a valid concern...any major departure like that is begging for you to react. One of the biggest lessons I've learned in the past couple of months (one I failed at today) is to step back (for me it can take a couple of hours) and let my emotions happen internally. Then...after the 'rush' is over...I can do a better job of looking at the situation with more clarity.

Also...when it's a biggie...like the curve ball you got...I try to do a run/jog, or something physical. Def clears the head for me.

Keep at it!

Thanks, Pajo. I've done pretty good for the most part, but it's tough when I'm thrown a curve ball. I need to keep working on not letting her get to me. I feel terrible about it since it affecting my attitude with the kids the rest of the night which isn't fair to them.

[someguy1233]

W and I just had a conversation... the first real conversation since our marriage counseling appointment on Saturday when she let me know she was really thinking about separation.

She said she liked the idea that the therapist mentioned, having us alternate weeks in the house. The kids would stay put and we'd take turns being in the house.

I took a long time to think and told her that I didn't feel I should leave the house.
She got frustrated and gave me quite the stare-down while spewing, "you might want to think long and hard about that."

I thought for a bit and told her I didn't really have anything else to say as this is my home and where I live.

She calmed down a bit and said, it wasn't fair as this takes two people and we're both to blame. I told her only one person wants to leave.

I sat quietly for a while and I again told her I didn't really have anything else to say.

She got frustrated and asked when the lease is up for the current tenant at our rental property. I told her May 1. She said ok... so we can notify him to leave by May 1. She got frustrated again and said, "See what you're doing? You're forcing my hand on this. Is that what you want?" I told her I didn't understand. I said, "So you're saying I agree to leave or what happens?" She never really answered.

I thought for a bit longer and told her that a lawyer advised me to not leave the house. This really surprised her, "You're talking to a LAWYER?!" I replied, "Not recently, but I have in the past." I explained that rule number one is the guy never leaves the house, especially in our state where it's frequently viewed as abandonment and can lead to custody issues. If this heads towards divorce I can't risk that. I explained that you hear about things starting nicely and then spiraling into a cutthroat mess.

Hearing this is when the tears started from her. She said divorce would never go like that. She'd never hurt her kids like that. She'd never hurt her best-friend like that. (referring to me as BF!, ugh.) She said she'd never take my kids and that she wouldn't go for anything other than 50/50 custody.. She'd said she'd never take my money. She also said she wouldn't even want to get lawyers involved.

I thought for a while longer and told her I didn't really have anything else to say.

She went to the bedroom and said, "it would be nice if you could sleep somewhere else" as she shut the door. I could hear her crying for a few minutes...

There's a part of me that feels like really pushing the issue and going into the bedroom to sleep. But I know that's going to REALLY get her upset and could lead to a fight.

[Thornton]

I'm concerned that she is talking about being best friends while also attending marriage therapy.

Therapy only works when both people are fully engaged with the goal of reconciling the marriage.

I went through this myself. WAW used the therapy as an excuse to say "she tried". We "were too broken" because therapy didn't work.

Truth is, therapy didn't work because she didn't want it to work.

[someguy1233]

I reread Sandy's Revelations posts. I'm not avoiding confrontation like I've always done. I'm now laying in the bed. This is where I sleep, not on the couch.

Hoping I interpreted that correctly.

[someguy1233]

Well, she's mad for sure. She didn't say a word to me this morning and only spoke to the kids. I hope I made the right decision.

[Thornton]

She has to respect you before she can love you.

Stand your ground but don't be a d!ck.

She's going to resist. Keep reading up on Sandi's suggestions.

It might have to get worse before it get's better.

[someguy1233]

I don't know that I was a dick, but I sure failed to validate anything she said...