I agree about not temp checking. Best to keep any interactions to 'just business' for now. I would say - yes great to leave in bike bag - thanks.
As for taking another job - Do you want to leave the area? Have a fresh start? I did that at BD and I don't have regrets. For me, H had decided to be a couple of hours away anyway, so we would have been geographically distant even had I not moved. I would agree that it could make a possible R harder.
I don't think there's any need to 'feel out' your W just now. It seems pretty clear where she is at and she remains involved with OP.
Make whatever feels like the best move for you I would say xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I see this as an opportunity to clarify my stance. I could say, have you changed your mind? That's what she said to me when I told her weeks ago to leave something in the bike bag. And she meant changed her mind about us. Or I could say, i'd like to see you if you're seriously interested in discussing how to get through the situation. Or I could say, you know my preference. Or I could say I would be interested in seeing you when you're no longer with her. I could say, you know my thoughts on this. I could say, until the other woman is no longer in your life, I think it's best that we don't see each other.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Wonka is there a way I can use this opp to clarify????
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
She has doubts about ow, remember? She was seriously considering us getting g back together. If OW knows she's still undecided, she might back out because this is a huge lifestyle change For her, roo. Coming out in her mid fifties and all. I feel like this is the time to do something that keeps W in doubt, not moving forward with ow!,,,
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
You are obsessing and looking for an excuse to make contact and relieve your pain.
So let's assume that W has doubts about OW. Do you think reaching out to her is going to going to make her miss you? Or does it relieve her so she knows she has more time to decide?
Your W needs to feel like she is losing you. She won't feel that way by you talking, texting etc.
Telling her she is going to lose you, doesn't carry as much weight as simply going NC.
People who are moving on, dont warn the other person. They simply stop communicating - they don't care anymore. This is what you need to project.
Your W hasn't forgotten about you, I can assure you.
You've planted the seeds in her mind by going NC. Allow them time to grow.
Well, I never responded to the email and as I was riding my bike in to work, right in front of my building, I saw W drive by and into the parking lot where she always parks - right across the street from my building. I don't know if she saw me or not. I don't think she put anything in the bike bag. In the meantime, there was another email about wanting some garden equipment I had taken and could she come get it this weekend. (I don't want her to see the dump I'm living in!!) Oh, and could I return the garage door opener and the house key. Those aren't good signs ... I don't want her to have the door opener to give to the ow!!!!!
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
NYGal, don't be desperate. You're creating an artificial deadline and pressure (have you been offered the job? Why do you think your current job is iffy because of management changes?) in order to give yourself an excuse to contact W.
I think you should make a list off all your initiatives and interactions and what followed. The list should have two columns, one for 'DB' and one for 'non-DB'. That way you can see what has brought you forward and what has set you back. It is my impression that when you DB, things move in a positive direction, and when you non-DB, they go backwards.
You need to find a consistent way of dealing with W where you don't change methods all the time.
My recommendation would be to not always be available to meet, but when you do meet her (to give her physical posessions), look great, act confident and warm, but do NOT bring up the relationship. Leave first. If you end conversations with puppy-eyed remarks or wistful texts afterwards, you tear down everything you just worked so hard for.
You need to be the rock. I tell my H, 'be honest, figure out what you want, I'll survive if you want to split. My preference is to save the M and work on us making each other happy. However, I can't do that by myself'.
I think moving away will minimize your chances of reconciling. If your W reacts like my H, she can then blame the breakup on you moving away. You will leave her with no choice.
If you truly want this new job and to leave this R behind, that's another matter.
Did you get the annuity?
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I am going to respond here when I have the time now. I will be out for the rest of the day as I am on the road and in several meetings.
Originally Posted By: NYGal
Wonks, Remember after I told her to leave me alone, you said I should have clarified that as long as ow is in the picture, I'm not interested? Is this the time to clarify that as a condition of seeing her or not? Or should I just say, yes, leave it in the bike bag.
I think you misunderstood me. As long as the OW is in the picture, you will not be friends as this is not want friends do to friends. See the difference? No, don't try to "clarify" or try to "explain" yourself. All of this can be done through actions.
Yeah, you could have said, "great...sure, you can leave it in the bike bag." Since W hasn't heard back from you, of course she hasn't dropped off the check.
[NYGal]I see this as an opportunity to clarify my stance. I could say, have you changed your mind? That's what she said to me when I told her weeks ago to leave something in the bike bag. And she meant changed her mind about us. Or I could say, i'd like to see you if you're seriously interested in discussing how to get through the situation. Or I could say, you know my preference. Or I could say I would be interested in seeing you when you're no longer with her. I could say, you know my thoughts on this. I could say, until the other woman is no longer in your life, I think it's best that we don't see each other.[/quote]
The bold is begging and pursuing. Don't. W isn't going to change her mind about OW as long as you are in her face asking all of those questions which introduces pressure. The fall back option will always be OW. Drop the rope. You're still tugging at the rope to see if she would react. In fact, it has the opposite effect.
Drop the darn rope!
Originally Posted By: NYGal
She has doubts about ow, remember? She was seriously considering us getting g back together. If OW knows she's still undecided, she might back out because this is a huge lifestyle change For her, roo. Coming out in her mid fifties and all. I feel like this is the time to do something that keeps W in doubt, not moving forward with ow!,,,
So what!?? Doubts are one thing, taking action is another thing. Talk is cheap. Right now, her feet aren't moving. Inaction is action too. I preach this all the time to newbies because it is AN EFFECTIVE strategy.
You are very, very anxious about W and OW. This emotion is now magnified by the "potential" job offer. I can feel it oozing on the monitor from this side. It is Audrey Anxiety shouting the loudest inside your head. What you need is for Charlotte Calm to come and firmly shove Audrey off the stage inside your head.
[NYGal]In the meantime, there was another email about wanting some garden equipment I had taken and could she come get it this weekend. (I don't want her to see the dump I'm living in!!) Oh, and could I return the garage door opener and the house key. Those aren't good signs ... I don't want her to have the door opener to give to the ow!!!!![/quote]
You don't know the reason for these requests. Perhaps W is trying to tie up some loose ends and probably going through her own to-do list. Don't let those requests get to you. If I were you, I'd just pack up those items and mail it to her. Done. Check.
You need to find self-soothing methods to get you off the high anxiety you're feeling lately. When I get really anxious, I go by the lake and walk on the beach. Water is a very cleansing natural source to clear out negative emotions. Do whatever works best for you, sweetie.
I would not give back the garage opener or key until you have all of your belongings and the financial settlement you agreed on. I'm afraid you may get the short end of the stick here.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I would not give back the garage opener or key until you have all of your belongings and the financial settlement you agreed on. I'm afraid you may get the short end of the stick here.
Painter, you make a very valid point here. I like where you're going with this. NYG, I back Painter on this one.
