it would be different boundaries if WH was not in an A or if there wete no children
Texts
About the kids- immdediately if emergency or their welfare courteous and concerned about children About the kids trivia- factual only and delayed (such as where are shoes.....) more trivial the more the delay reply factually About R-ignore About Legal- through Solicitor About other matters of WS with a delay of a day or so
Conversations Limited to kids only concerned and concentrating on that issue practical issues until D No R talk No D fins talk through L
Meetings Only if absolutely necessary and the friendly neighbour (civil but abrupt), smile you are happy
Sample of Boundaries as stated to my WH
WH whilst you are having an A and have sacked me as your W I do not intend to be your friend and whilst I will be cordial that is the limit.
WH if you are in an A our contact is limited to the kids
Different posters mean different things with this, so it helps if we define friendly neighbour:
So when I say friendly neighbour I don't mean come in for tea type. Today we are having a BBQ-would you like a burger?
I mean, lovely weather today, must dash. Your roses are looking good, hope you are well today, bye. Saw you broke your foot, hope it gets better. Condolence card on a bereavement if appropriate from you and kids but not Valentine or Christmas card.
Smile and look pleasant, no looks to WH that would freeze a troll face.
No discussing your sitch with others to vent, 'oh yes I am pleased WH got that promotion now about.....' and 'we are cordial thank you and you say you got a new car.......'
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Enforcing your boundary
I always think its easier to consider setting boundaries from considering the situation. If you are triggered the less contact the better and the firmer the boundary. If your WH is respectful of your boundaries then more cordiality. If disrespectful, strengthen them.
Here is one interaction between WH and I on the phone.
MY WH said: when this is over we can still be friends and go on holiday. I will keep the keys to the flat abroad in case.
My response: I can see why you might like that WH and as long as you are drinking heavily and having OWs I will not be going on holiday with you.
WH: Stuff you, you know I don't do alone, that is why I need OWs
My response: If you keep swearing at me then I will put down the phone
WH: You are unreasonable and rude
My response: I am disappointed you feel that way, that isn't how I see it. I must go to work now. Its a lovely day enjoy your golf. Bye
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You will find a series on my sitch about WH collecting his things from the house where increasing stronger boundaries were needed.
Firstly WH was allowed into the house at prearranged times WH turned up one evening whilst I was in bed, let himself in.
Big boundary infringement, bolts whilst I am in the house
WH continues to turn up unannounced Further enforcement Alarm codes reset WH can collect from Foyer or at prearranged times when codes will be off
WH still turns up unreasonably and whilst I am there Enforcement I pack his stuff stuff for collection from the outhouse gym
WH turns up without prior notice in the middle of a Sunday afternoon and I am having a BBQ when I specifically said you can collect another time. Gets aggressive by text His stuff is moved to storage
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I always recommend Al Turtle on Boundaries, try googling him.
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So
What are your boundaries with WH on the following and how will you enforce?
ensure that your boundary is about the things for you (not WH) and you can enforce it
Your kids, handovers, birthdays and family events
Your Fins and Legals
R talks with WH
Lets frame those boundaries and the enforcement of them.
As always you can say no, i will not be offended.
Hope this helps
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
