Been a tough few days. Had my first text interaction with ex yesterday. After spending 2 weeks fighting (and failing) to see my boys over half term, she has asked if my eldest can go to a party that happens to fall on my weekend with them. We do not have an agreement on access, it is being brought to court. There is just a dictation from ex and her L as to when I can see them. This makes me so angry because it is such a familiar feeling, that being anything me ex wanted to happen, became 'right' in her head. Stories, memories, anything like that would always be made to fit into her version. This is so clear now there is distance and NC. Its happened my whole relationship, not just during the break up.
Has anyone seen the Will Smith film, 'I am legend' ? It feels very similar at the moment. Living on auto pilot, isolation, GAL for the sake of keeping to the rules on here but to be honest, I am a spectator of my own life at the moment. I'm tired of feeling sad, I mean really deep down so sad. Not depression just gutted. I had this thought, the stages of loss we all go through, anger, grief, and so on... I don't think we go through them..I think they spin round in turn. They start off fast skipping from one to the other very quickly, then each emotion seems to intensify, stretch out and take longer to revolve round to the next, a bit like a game of chance spinning wheel.
We are nearing the weekend and I still do not know when I will see my boys. My eldest is 10 next week. I imagine I will be kept at arms length for his birthday too. I am hanging on, but it feels like with just 2 fingers on one hand....
me45,W43 S9,S5 T15yrs M10yrs BD 4/07/15 W wants D 4/07/15 W filed 8/05/15 D petition arrived 21/12/15 Merry xmas, W,S5 S9 moved out 5/2/16
