Hmm, still obviously new to this, where did my post go?
I had started saying that i am somewhat ambivalent towards OW, and am sure she has been charmed by XH creative story telling which has been reinforced by his family. That aside, i do not think it possible in a population our size and with social media to blindly accept XH's stories and it must be a conscious choice to accept what she has been told in our particular situation. I am a long way from being able to see her as a potential positive presence in the boys lives.
I do feel it will not be a nice place to be when she or he wake up and that my life must be much more stress free.
Thank you so much Painter for your advice about perhaps letting Xh know his insistence on OW being present if the boys want to spend time with him may in fact lead the boys to like her the the situation even less. I took your advice and applied some DB magic today.
I phoned XH - a huge reversal for me for starters - and left a voice message - i never leave a voice message - and then sent an email telling him i was sorry to miss him by phone as i it is so easy to get words in print out of context thanking him for something he had bought S12 recently, saying i wonder if the boys might actually dislike OW and situation more as it means they get less alone time with Xh.... to please let me know his thoughts as the boys really enjoy spending time with him.
I got a whole stream of thoughtful, civil and basically sensible replies! Now, i have learnt the hard way to have no expectations, but he has said he would like to have a big talk with the boys and open up some dialogue ('dialogue' - really? S12 and S14 are smart kids, but 'dialogue' with your teen sons - ah that made me laugh) . So i have been able to talk with the boys and brainstorm with them about how they would like to spend time with their dad and offered that he may talk with them about it sometime soon, and if not, they might like to tell him their thoughts at some stage A happy mommy moment.
A part of me equally worries about the 'dialogue' and what it could entail, but think some knowledge for the boys is better than none. Thank you Painter and the others, I would still just be brooding without this site and your advice/experiences and support.
Sotto, i am with you, Xh interest in the boys can only be good for the boys (fingers crossed icon here!), i think because i had adjusted to a more total absence it threw me into a panic.
My life might be on a more finely strung balance than i had realised - something else to work on for me.
Thank you Zephyr for your lovely replies to my questions - i feel like you are a cheer leader for the cause and feel stronger to carry on my way with your replies.
I will try to give more history tomorrow. It may or may not be relevant, i smiled at love-addict sociopath - i have been thinking narcissist - and i usually pride myself on not labelling people - Xh just cries out for a label and a box. Labels aside, my take on managing the best i can is that i would behave the same as i am trying to do. Live the best life i can with the boys and let him get on with whatever it is he is up to. Just a tiny concern that perhaps what i told the boys might differ if i was certain of a label.
A happy mommy moment. 