Not sure where to stand

[Vanilla]

I like the second wording

V

[Thornton]

Before you send it...

Why are you sending it?

Are you truly done?

Or looking for a reaction?

Are you sure you're not just emotional today and looking for the pain to stop?

If he says "ok cool", will you regret your decision in a few days?

[Sparkls]

My intention is not to say that I"m done, but rather validate of sorts that the things he feels are concerns are legitimate and need to be addressed. You know, the rather be happy than right.That's why I questioned the packing of stuff. I Guess I am just trying to find a way to show him that I really am listening to his concerns and his feelings.

The last real conversation we had was before I really started 180ing and involved a lot of me dinging the OW (basically playing the pick me dance) and when he said he never loved me, me saying basically that's complete bullsh*t. It was not a pretty conversation, it accomplished nothing, and was pushing him away. That's when I left and when I started the NC. I guess part of wanting to send this is so he doesn't think of that as our last conversation.And part of it may be trying to protect myself and not hold onto any expectations for when he comes back from CO. I just had no warning when this bomb was dropped and I'm scared for the moment that all hope is extinguished, so if I drop the rope first, he can't hurt me more.

[Sparkls]

And I guess thinking that maybe if I start packing his stuff, or he has to, it'll be that wake up call to kick him out of the wayward fog.

More of me trying to control the situation I guess.

[Thornton]

Bad move. You have expectations. This could blow up. Never react out of emotion.

[Thornton]

You can't trick him back. You have to attract him back. Don't do it, you'll be kicking yourself later.

[Sparkls]

I wouldn't say expectations so much as hopes. But yes, I'm struggling with detaching. (aren't we all it seems).

Very hard to live in the "now" day by day when I have such big future decisions to make. Of course, I can hear my counselors voice asking me what decisions I have to make right now. And do any of them require knowing where things are going with him and the answer is no. Those decisions are coming but they're not here yet.

One day at a time.
On a side note/accomplishment: my rank list for residency was turned in today. It is officially completely out of my hands. A computer will know in about 12 hours where I will be living for the next 3-6 years, but of course they make us wait 3 weeks to find out the answer.

[Thornton]

Yep.

You are looking for a fix to the pain. Doesn't work that way.

Cool stuff happening in your life though. How exciting to be one step closer to your goal!

[Sparkls]

Just got back from yoga which was both good and bad. Good because exercise is good and felt good to be out of the house. Bad because I hadn't really eaten much today and almost passed out. whoopsies.
Went with my best friend and she made a point that I can't shake now. If a guy had done to my daughter what Bf has done to me, how would I feel. And my answer is that it would take all of my will power not to throttle the guy. I think that I've internalized so much of the blame for the things wrong with our relationship that I haven't really gotten to the anger phase.
One of the things I loved about Bf was how good he was with kids and how I could see what a great dad he'll be one day. But the guy he is now would be a terrible dad. Bails when there's trouble, doesn't open up about his feelings, treats the people who have been the most loyal to him like garbage. That's not the guy I want to be my kids' Dad. And it makes me really angry that the woman Bf is friends (OW's best friend, who both OW and Bf are staying with now) with has 3 kids of her own, ranging in age from 6-14. And she is a *terrible* mom. She just showed all of her kids that it's okay to lie and cheat on your spouse if you're unhappy. She condoned this affair. She let it happen in her home. Hell, she's still letting it happen in her home. Who does that?! (Even bf has said she's a terrible mother)

I guess I just keep coming back to this idea that Bf has surrounded himself with sh*t people, I really shouldn't be surprised that now he smells like sh*t and acts like sh*t. (sorry for the crass language. I'm holding back believe it or not) So going back to something Thornton mentioned. I don't want this guy back. I want the better guy I know he's capable of being. But he has to want to be that guy and until he does, yes, I'm done.

[Vanilla]

IF it were me then I would send the text, get rid of his stuff.

Accept that the only purpose of the text is to shift his stuff and perhaps not even that.

I suspect you would like to have expectations on this and in reality just wishful thinking.

V