Ojap's Story

[Cadet]

MHO is that MC is normally used to try to get you to see how you are at fault and responsible for getting divorced.

There is two different objectives at play, the LBS wants to save the marriage while the WAS wants to end it.

Don't get fooled into thinking something differently

[NYGal]

I wish I had known this sooner. W told our MC in a private session that she "had feelings for someone else" in August. I had NO idea until November. I lost three months, while their EA deepened and at some point became physical. We continued MC deep into December. Then I realized how angry I was that I was the only one in the room who didn't know what was going on for three months. I felt it was a complete waste of money. The only thing that makes me think we still have a chance is all the DB advice and me being able to remain mostly calm and not become a raging lunatic (in her presence, LOL).

[Thornton]

It's what happened to me too. WAW was just attending to look the part.

Things actually would get better, I would do what the therapist said to do. Then she would pick some stupid fight or find something to be overly pissed off about (and I mean over react - it was so over the top). It was like clock work.

Final straw, I finally got mad and called her on her BS and yelled at her. That was what she was waiting for, she used that as the reason to leave while pointing the finger at me.

[Ojap]

Okay....interesting take.

Sandi...it sounds like you are thinking my W is a WW? Based solely on the info I've provided. And thus...it won't make any difference. Got it.

One thing I wrote earlier is that her 'complete shut off' and 'depression' came right at the same time that this 'colleague' moved to TX. I absolutely never made that connection until I wrote the post earlier today.

It makes me wonder if there was some sort of EA prior and now she is mourning the loss of it. Obviously I'm still speculating, etc. Wish I could re-focus my efforts/energies. It is just one of those things where I have suspected something for over a year....and have only found circumstantial evidence...nothing stone cold.

My heart is racing even as I type this. Ridiculous, I know

[Ojap]

Wow Thornton....I'm trying to watch for patterns like this. Mostly all I have is the 'independence' and 'secrecy' stuff.

Gotta say...my heart just dropped a few minutes ago. I was putting up laundry in our closet and saw a small shopping bag from a local boutique lingerie place. There is nothing in it but paper...no receipt and I've seen no record of it in our account. It was her birthday a few weeks ago...so I am going to assume her girlfriend got it for her.

Sheesh....anxiety is so through the roof.

[Ojap]

I accused the wife of the same, guys. Said she wasn't trying at all b/c we had been in MC for a few months and things were still going downhill.

Her reply: "How can I not be trying?! I don't have a desire to be here (with you), but I am staying! I am on 3 medications to help me not 'feel'! (her anti-depressants). How can you say I'm not trying?!!" I'm the one who is 'wrong', so I need all the help! Me! I'm the problem...and I'm trying! I don't want to feel the way I do, but I can't help it. It is how I feel and I shouldn't feel bad about that!"

[TimR]

My WW went to counseling and then walked out. She did not like the counselor pointing any fingers at her, cause after all how could she have contributed to our demise at all. Then later she twisted it and said I "forced" her to counseling and used it as an example of how controlling I am.

[Ojap]

Wow Tim...it really is like our Ws have been kidnapped....Sandi's words ring true. They are not themselves. To twist your intentions...to re-write your history. So tough...ugh.

[Thornton]

Pajo - sorry you are panicking, that anxiety is brutal.

Try and slow down a little bit. Once you get sucked into snoop mode, it becomes an obsession fueled by anxiety. It can really mess you up.

Have you read all of Sandi's stuff on WW's?

[Ojap]

I think I have, Thornton. I'm gonna cold-turkey it right now. I could feel it coming on...

I've got work tonight...and IC in the AM. Should be able to regain some sense of self. It makes me really angry at myself. I've done well on this front for nearly a month!!! A month!! And...I was much better off for it.

Gotta regroup and understand that I CANNOT control her. IF she has had/is having an EA/PA....there isn't a thing I can do to prevent it. These are her choices. What choices can I make?!

Immediately:

Go spend a few mins w/ my girls before I head to work.
Do well at work tonight.
Breath.

Alright...thx for letting me vent