Thanks for the kick in the gut TimR. Needed it....every question you asked...I obsess over. It frustrating...b/c I was NEVER that guy. How did I become so CO-DEPENDANT!
So...after checking out Thornton's thread...I'm thinking I want to marinate on some big picture goals...followed by some action oriented smaller ones I can accomplish to get the ball rolling.
Ojap M 13 T 15 D 11 D 11 D 9 BD #1: ILYBNILWY 09/2015 BD #2: W asks for S 12/2015 ---------- Currently: Limbo
Also...I will say that being certain of the EA/PA would probably prompt one major change.
I think I would no longer go along with our current situation as is. We would need immediate intervention in MC to start making headway. If the EA/PA didn't end immediately....I would make sure that we separate and put up boundaries to protect myself and my girls.
Those are the reasons I have for wanting to 'know'. It wouldn't change my 180 or GAL....but would change parts of how I am working on our MR.
Ojap M 13 T 15 D 11 D 11 D 9 BD #1: ILYBNILWY 09/2015 BD #2: W asks for S 12/2015 ---------- Currently: Limbo
Is it a widely held belief that this transparency is a 'norm'?
Do you mean in relationship to reconciling? As far as I know, it is pretty much the norm. That doesn't mean everyone does it, but they do agree it should be done when there was an affair.
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My wife has always had 'privacy' issues. Early in our marriage it was an issue b/c I would talk about our finances, her work or school stuff, to my family (and sometimes my best friend) and it would infuriate her. H
Same here, only I had nothing to hide until I had an Internet A. However, I never appreciated everyone in the family knowing my business.
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Her family was extremely private about that kind of stuff and she says it makes her feel that I am messing with her security.
Again, I understand to a point about privacy. I don't know what she means by messing with her security. Kind of sounds to me like WW b.s., but that's just my opinion. It's one thing for a person not wanting everyone to know about their personal stuff, but quite another for one spouse not wanting the other spouse to know. My theory is if you don't want your spouse to see, you must be hiding something. Why else would it matter, if you don't have secrets from each other? And, how could it affect her security, unless it was something like an affair? Just saying.....
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
When I started posting on here I got very secretive with my phone, too. But when I look back on things, W turned of her Find my iPhone app and kept her phone in her bathroom at night rather than in the kitchen like she always had before. Then she started turning her phone off when she was with ow because she thought I could still track her. So yes, increased privacy tends to make us think EA or PA. Either one is destructive, let me tell you.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
So...b/c of the limbo and not making any progress in a positive direction (actually getting worse) do I bring up my concerns in MC? Is that appropriate?
From what I'm hearing Sandi...you are saying if we are both in MC, and she is supposedly 'on board' and trying....me breaching this subject should be fair game? As long as I do it in the best way possible? IE...admitting that I have had a part in her feeling like she needs to develop herself independently...that I was inadvertently controlling, etc.?
It's obviously super sensitive. Major implications either way.
Ojap M 13 T 15 D 11 D 11 D 9 BD #1: ILYBNILWY 09/2015 BD #2: W asks for S 12/2015 ---------- Currently: Limbo
When we were in MC our therapist told me to just listen. I'm not sure if it helped but I remember one particularly memorable session. W said some horrible and selfish things and I was ready to say I'm done. But I didn't. Afterwards, she said, "Oh, I feel like that was really helpful for us!" Well, she dumped me anyway, but sometimes it's good to listen. Hold boundaries, don't react, and listen. I don't think I'd bring up the A in MC, but that's just my opinion.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Oh, glad you brought that up, NYGal. I was talking about secretive things and when I read about you coming here......well, it reminded me that a poster has to protect themselves from their spouse discovering their DB posts.
So, put Christmas shopping and the DB board in the exceptions box.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
From what I'm hearing Sandi...you are saying if we are both in MC, and she is supposedly 'on board' and trying....me breaching this subject should be fair game? As long as I do it in the best way possible? IE...admitting that I have had a part in her feeling like she needs to develop herself independently...that I was inadvertently controlling, etc.?
Wait......are you reading where I said she supposedly is on board from another thread? B/c I don't believe MC ever works unless the WW has ended all contact with the OM and she is ready to roll up her sleeves and go to work on saving the M.
I was under the impression that you were seeing the MC in hope of trying to work through the problems and save the M. Which, doesn't mean cr@p to a wayward wife. Just b/c she agreed to go to the sessions does not mean she's on board to save the M.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree with NYGal. Do not bring up what you are learning here and don't bring up your suspicions of another man being in the picture. Doing so will do two things. 1) She will deny everything, and 2) She will take the affair deeper underground.....if she's having one.
Look, this MC is not going to get you anywhere but confused right now. Don't mix DB with MC, b/c it doesn't usually go hand in hand. Besides, your W doesn't want to do the right thing, yet. And until she is ready to do the right thing, you are wasting your money and time on a MC.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
