1. I want to know what I want 2. I want to feel confident in my own ability to tackle life's issues without having to lean on anyone. 3. I want to be interesting and well rounded 4. I want to be fearless (or able to overcome my fear more easily) 5. I want to be successful in my career 6. I want to be a better father 7. I want to be a better friend 8. I want to be a leader
Now what are your immediate goals? What are your small goals that will complete your larger ones. I know you can do it, I know it is inside you. Your posts to others are some of the most insightful. When I have questions of how to validate I just go read a few of your posts to other members. Cheers bro!
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
1a. I think time will tell for this goal 2a. Increased confidence - take time to be on my own and realize I'll be ok 3a. Perhaps guitar lessons or learn a new language 4a. No idea on this one - jump out of an airplane? 5a. Get my PHR - Professional in Human Resources - I work in HR 6a. Regularly scheduled daddy/daughter date nights 7a. Be a better listener instead of focusing on myself so much, less selfish 8a. Find a mentor at work
Take each one of your goals and and at least one action item. What can you DO to achieve each goal?
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Disregard! Looks like you made a good actionable list while I was typing
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Great stuff, Thornton! Truly. Those goals are fantastic. I have thrown myself into parenting the last couple of months...so 6a sounds amazing to me!!! Keep at it man!!
Ojap M 13 T 15 D 11 D 11 D 9 BD #1: ILYBNILWY 09/2015 BD #2: W asks for S 12/2015 ---------- Currently: Limbo
I get what you're saying. I just don't know how to switch my thinking up.
How do you change something that's being automatic for so long?
It's like telling me to think the sky is green instead of blue, and to believe it.
I've been so depedent on her that I've lost myself. I don't even know where to start to look for myself, she took my compass.
Not trying to make excuses, just being honest.
You start one step at a time, one thing at a time.
You start with something small and work your way up.
I used to ask you to find one thing today, that sparks your interest. One thing that you can do differently than you have before. Maybe it is wearing a different style of clothes, different cologne, taking a different route to work and home....
One thing T....
Originally Posted By: Thornton
People say work on yourself. Ok great! I don't know who I am, what do I work on? Where do I start? People say therapy, exercise and in my case, alanon. I'm doing those things (well maybe not the exercise like I should - I will).
I can go to the gym and work on my 6 pack, I can go to therapy and talk about my sh!t, I can go to alanon and talk to others in relationships with alcoholics, but once that is all said and done, when I walk back out to my Jeep, I'm back to missing W and hoping she misses me.
People will tell you anything that they think that you want to hear. Well wishers, co-workers, friends, family. People want you to stop, or to give up, because they don't want you to be in pain.
For them ???
The easy route is to just walk away. Truth of the matter ??
There aren't too many people posting here today , that haven't said to a friend or family member to "just move on" or to "walk away from that person" at one time or another.
With the shoe being on the other foot now... ??
Everyone is different, everyone is unique...not all of us are the same..
What is right for you may not be right for the next guy.
That is why you really need to figure you out.
Originally Posted By: Thornton
Do I just need more time? Will things start to reveal themselves with more time and distance? Or am I just screwed?
It takes TIME T....
Cadet told you in your initial post....you have been given the gift of TIME...
Not every person takes the same route, so go easy on yourself...
Originally Posted By: Thornton
Am I just stuck in the denial/bargaining stage of grief? Hoping and praying for a miracle?
Yea...kinda...
That's what I meant earlier...if you focus on what she is doing, saying, wanting, posting on FB...
It keeps YOU stuck because you are looking for answers from another person, instead of the only person that SHOULD matter...
As a good friend of mine from here once said...
Stand, but don't stand still...
Originally Posted By: Thornton
I see some people come here and instantly take to DB'ing. The first week they are panicking. Second week they are GAL. Third week saying "I think I deserve better than the WAS".
^^^Ok, maybe that's an exageration but that blows my mind! How do they find their footing so fast???
They aren't you, you aren't them.
Stop comparing yourself to others.
Other people looked at your sitch last year and wanted to be you.
Think they would trade today ??
So apples and oranges buddy...
Originally Posted By: Thornton
Am I just so unhealthy that I need to learn to walk again? Like Eddie Van Halen had to relearn the guitar after quitting drinking?
Whether you think that you can, or you think that you cannot....you are correct
.........................Henry Ford
Originally Posted By: Thornton
Maybe I need to put it all on paper. Think about the type of man I want to be and what the looks like. Then make a list of short and long term goals and start checking them off one by one.
^^^Problem with this is I don't know who I want to be. I've always wanted to be the family guy. The husband, father, and provider for the family. That's what gives me a sense of purpose. That's what's always made me whistle in the morning on my way out the door.
Maybe you do. Maybe that is why I asked you to list things. Typically, writing them down, posting them, etc, will help you stay on course. Seeing them will help you stay accountable for them, and other posters should certainly help you keep yourself accountable....
And the problem with your theory...
Is that you CAN be all of that, and more. Cepts that you can't be ANY of those things unless you know who YOU are first.
You feed and foster the person inside first.
The way that I always thought about it was, that I can't be someone for anyone else, until I am someone for me first....
Originally Posted By: Thornton
So I'm single now. And I know I'm no where close to being ready for a relationship with anyone.
Little secret here...
YOU weren't ready last time either....
So maybe this isn't about her after all...
And God is giving you exactly the problems that you need, in order to fix yourself....
