Goal setting and boundaries are something that I struggle with.
Everyone doesn't approach goal setting the same way, so just take this for what it's worth. I think your goals should be about you. You can't really make a goal that involves another person's volition. So, make them about you and for you own growth/self-improvement and happiness. I think they should be attainable, or it may get too discouraging. Make the goals realistic. Make it somewhat challenging to yourself. Some people do better breaking things down into smaller goals, like on a weekly basis. Some people have short term and long term goals. Goals are not the same as a daily agenda or a "to do" list.
Boundaries are put in place to protect yourself. It is not to control the other person. Only you can do an action if the boundary is dishonored by the other person. You can't make the other person do anything. A boundary is only effective if you enforce it. If you tell her you will not live in an open M, and she doesn't end her affair.....then have to enforce your boundary by doing some type of action. Now you didn't tell her what she had to do. You just told her what you couldn't tolerate. But if she doesn't honor the boundary and is pretty much calling your bluff, what will you do to show you meant what you said about not living in an open M? You could pout, whine, complain, give her the silent treatment, ignore her.......but do you think that would be strong enough, b/c although you are doing those negative things to show her you don't like it that she's still in an A, you are still living in an open M. Therefore, you have to stop living in the open M, which means a S/D. It is not to punish her, but to protect yourself from the damage it is doing to you. It is a consequence for her actions. That's why I tell people not to say anything they are not prepared to back up. If you can't carry through with it, then don't give it as boundary. That's just one example.
The hard work is applying tough love. Doing what you really don't want to do. It's not fun. It's not taking the easier way out. You can't be soft and apply tough love. You can't be soft with a wayward wife.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
