Flight's Thread #2

[otw]

Flight.

I think it is just the case of the in house separation. They don't actually work. They never get to completely realize you are not the reason behind all of this.

My w is out but she is in the midst of just trying to make herself busy with hangups my with friends every free chance to realize that she could of had everything with me. Don't get me wrong she has done a few things with her time without kids that she prob wouldn't have done before. But this is because she has free time. I don't think she realizes that she places all the blame on me for feeling trapped in a family life

She took the easy way out instead of trying to compromise and make everyone happy.

[Flight]

Well, having her own place and all the bills and doing everything herself will be an eye opener.

And I think we want to do our own rationalizations to explain their behavior and try and cope with it. I am no psychologist, but in my research I think there is some MLC in my situation also. She doesn't seem to need the EA partner at the moment. It is like his is a pleasant distraction that she can keep on the string and will pursue that when she has her "freedom". She could be out every night like a lot of WS are. She isn't. She is trying to convince me that it is our relationship and another person has nothing to do with it.

All the talk of feeling trapped and needing her freedom and saying she has fears and anxieties but is ignoring them all smacks of MLC. But she does have a pattern of when a relationship isn't giving her the happiness she thinks she deserves, she checks out and plans her exit. And like a lot of Waywards, they don't do it until they have someone else to fall back on.

I am in an awkward position of wanting her out now, and willing to do a little work on our arrangements. But I shouldn't have to do her work for her. Since entitlement is part of people in affairs, she thinks she is entitled to move out and live the same way she lives now. I told her if she wants out, get out. I'm not financing her lifestyle.

[Flight]

She went on a spew today exaggerating and remembering everything wrong I did from not cleaning the house the way she wanted to how I drive! A year into this and it is just justification for why she needs a divorce.

[Flight]

I know that this mood probably won't last since I have had moments of calm and felt resolve, only to fall apart again the next day, but I hope it holds. I think I understand the term "irreconcilable differences". The more I talk to me WS, the more I remember our life together before the EA, the more I see that we don't see eye to eye on anything, especially healthy boundaries regarding a relationship.

I as myself, "what am I holding onto?". Why would I want this person in my life? Am I just afraid of loss, of my life turning upside down? Could I be content with only having 10 percent of our lives "happy"?

Right now the plan it to move forward with separation and get her away from me. Perhaps we will find we still have something, or perhaps it will begin the healing process and I will wonder why I didn't do it sooner.

[Flight]

It looks like we are going to sign the separation agreement and she will be buying her own place. Still not exactly sure how to be detached, yet maintain a connection in case she decides this isn't all she thought it was. Making a 30 year comittment on a house sure seems pretty permanent to me that she will never look back.

[Thornton]

Hey Flight,

Sorry you are going through this, my friend.

Things can change on a dime, and they often do. You can always reconcile and she sale the place, rent it, or you could move in with her.

Maybe she needs to get a taste of living on her own, to see it's not all roses and fantasy land like she thinks it is.

Never say never. Although I'm here again, I remember feeling that way 18 months ago and WAW started coming back around. I thought we were dead in the water, but we ended up together again.

You never know..

[Flight]

What led to her coming around the first time for you?

She is deep in it here. In "wuuv". It seems a combination of hating me because of all the "hell you put me through all these years" and standing in the way of her freedom, and feeling like she has met her soulmate and keeping it mostly a texting EA until she can leave. Ready to sign on a place when I give her the settlement.

I get torn myself between the idea of keeping home a safe place to land, being pleasant but maintaining boundaries vs. thinking this is a toxic person and no matter what happens, limit contact and never look back. I get detaching is sort of a solution to both in that you are moving on and there can still be room for a MR, but there is also power in saying there is no chance, that person is dead to you, and you build a new life with no looking back.

[Flight]

Moving towards finalizing things and she will be moving out. Really lost as to how to be.

[Thornton]

You will probably feel lost for a while, Flight.

You are undergoing a huge transition, it's normal to feel unsettled.

Just know that you will establish new routines and start to find your rhythm again but it takes time.

Hang in there.

[Flight]

I guess I am conflicted also that if I do try to maintain DB with a physical separation. We are going to have to talk, at least in text probably daily. And I will have to help her with her weeks with our D since I am the school taxi service Not sure if I sure go NC, or be loving from a distance. Positive, a thoughtful text once in a while or more the WS approach of I don't talk to her unless she talks to me. I feel if there is any hope for MR, it would be to keep being a better option with small, positive interactions, but nothing chasing or pursuing and see if the consequences and his flaws start to work on her.

I guess from reading Sandi's posts about a WW vs. a WAW (mine is a bit of both since this could be an exit affair), you have to be harder. Yet, you don't want to look like a source of pain while the AP is relecting back a picture of herself that feels perfect.