Staying the Course Pt. II

[Vanilla]

Now this is the core of it. You didn't control your H, no one can truly control another.

It just felt like you did and H acted as if you did.

Soboth of you are responsible for your M. The would be controller and the co-dependent.

Detaching from the outcome you will accept the part of the responsibility that is yours but no more.

It is often easier for the 'controller' to change than the 'co-dependent'.

Think of a rewarding friendship or work collaboration that you have had. One with give and take, you were probably in an equal detached R.

So detaching letting the other become the best they can be and achieve their own dreams gives you truly great R. You accept them, compromise adapt and love.

Know this too, it is much easier for the co-dependent to wake up from this. There are more resources NMMNG, co dependent no more, etc. There are fewer resources for the 'controller' and those that there are concentrate on abuse.

Controlling isn't abuse (it can be hand in glove) but actually it exists as the other side of the co-dependent dynamic.

So I believe the key and primary tool for the 'controller' is detachment. Self awareness and mindfulness are vital components.

I want the very best for you and that if you repair your R, it can be a new healthy R. This means your H doing the work to cease to be co-dependent or acting as if he is.

Know that this time and this space is healthy for you and your R.

You have time please take it.

It takes one to Tango, make the changes you need and detach from the outcome.

Let it unfold.

And yes, sooooo counter intuitive.

Excellent work.

V

[Vanilla]

Attracting back your H by detaching when he thinks you have changed and then going back on it will send him running to the hills. its inauthentic, consider real change on this.

It is false pretenses. If you have no intention of staying detached then I think this cycle will repeat.

V

Hope,

I was thinking similarly to what you seemed to be thinking: that the detaching was "temporary" and that, if we were blessed enough to get a second chance with our WAS, then we could "reattach". This post by Vanilla is so eye-opening!

As I have said in previous posts to you, I think you and I have similar situations. We seem to think a lot alike. I also was very controlling in my R with my H. Seeing Vanilla spell it all out in this post makes me realize that, once again, I was missing a key point. All this work we are doing on ourselves is meant to help us and our R in the future (with or without the WAS), but it really is a gift to detach and not be controlling or manipulative. I know my H would've loved for me to not be such a "nag" or "stress about the small stuff". I think by truly doing a 180 and not be attached to him in this unhealthy way, it would've helped my M tremendously. How did you feel when you read that detaching is actually "warm and loving"?

Well broke, you uncovered what I was saying.

If you love someone set them free.

V

[broke]

V -

I just wish I would've found this site sooner. I cannot say how much I appreciate all the great advice coming from the veterans on this board. It may sound crazy but I feel like I am an onion and I am just peeling back layer after layer to find the "real" me because I agree with Hope....it is so hard to let go of the control. But, I see now it is the only way to have a healthy R. Thank you.

[HopeRB]

Just got back from the gym. It was nice but thinking about H. Wondering what he's thinking and what he's saying about us to people. Last time I saw him, he said, "I will always love you and I've never fell in love with anyone the way I fell in love with you." Just frustrating I guess. How he can just ran away off into his new life, happy as a clam. And the family/friends act as if we never existed. I guess this is the new interaction I will have with these people going forward right?

Just feeling indifferent, frustrated, then up, then down, then up again the past few days. Someone got on my nerves today at work and I lost my cool for a nanosecond, which I never do. I don't know whats going on with me.

[HopeRB]

Just journaling: Guessing H has moved on from me. Haven't heard from him, haven't seen him, nothing. He was supposed to come by and help me with something at the house and never followed up.

[Thornton]

That's right. You're guessing.

Who knows what he's thinking. I know how frustrating that is, and it's hard not to obsess. I struggle with that too.

Take a look at my thread and what Mach1 wrote to me about hope. That might help you.

Also, the folks here that got their WAS back, had to let them go before the WAW started sniffing around again. That's going to take some time.

Keep going to the gym, keep posting here, and try to give yourself a break. This stuff is hard to get through and there's no cure. Get through today. Then tomorrow morning, reset, and get through tomorrow.

Baby steps...

[ciluzen]

Hey, Hope.

Just stopping by to give you a hug.
I know it is frustrating to hear them say or do things that give us that tiny spark of hopefulness,only to hear nothing or an "explanation" that brings us back down again.

It reminds me of when my dog is laying on the floor while I'm on my computer. As soon as I shift weight or stop typing, she looks up and wags her tail a bit, looking expectantly me asif hoping to do something fun. Then I go back to typing and she sighs and puts her head back down, kinda sadly.Sorry, but I'm a visual person....I think in scenes and pictures.

Anyway, hugs to you. That's why we are told to have no expectations. Its very hard, though,when we are also supposed to be watching for little positive signs. Focus as you can on what you are doing at the moment, stay in the here and now. I know, easier said than done! You'll be okay soon.

[HopeRB]

Thanks Thornton and ciluzen. And great analogy ciluzen - it makes me feel like, "well damn", but then I want to go somewhere and be the awesome, confident and lovable woman I was made to be. I was able to snap out of it a bit, just another moment of weakness and I think I know why.

Not initiating, pursuing, asking, questions, etc. Figuring it all out by myself. Though wondering what to do about our taxes and financial things and how I should contact him about that.

[HopeRB]

Anyone have thoughts on that? Trying to get stuff done and H is just making it very difficult but I really don't want to initiate a convo especially after I've been good about being dark and not showing any pursuing behavior whatsoever. I guess its easier to do that when you're not actually interacting. I think I've interacted with him indirectly through family and friends by making sure to sound upbeat and have some variant of a smile on my face.

[ciluzen]

I think your taxes are a rather important thing to communicate about. Do you file jointly? Propose a one time meeting. Or, ask him how he would like to handle taxes. That is not pursuing if you keep it business-like. Whatever way gets the job done with the least possibility of pursuing behavior.