Ojap's Story

[Ojap]

Thx for posting Sandi,

Well i think i would characterize this season as a crisis. I'll try and hit your questions.

I am not a SAHD:...But I do have a flexible job. I take 2/3 girls to school in AM. Pick them all up by 2pm and do h/w, fix dinner, etc every day. I do 85% of doctor visits, work from home when they are sick, etc.

Over the past 4 months...our time together is limited to 'family time'. We basically only do things with our girls together. Also marriage counseling. We are basically separated, but in the same house. She states she is 'separated' from me in her heart.

She is not disrespectful towards me, she has told me that she gets angry when she is around me because of the past hurts (me not yielding and controlling her). My job has been an issue in the past, and though she loves her job, she wishes mine would pay more so she could work less (even though we both decided on our current situation). But...she hasn't 'shamed' me for it, i don't think.

I have been pretty assertive, and stand my ground on things. She is an excellent mother, and I defer on some things w/ our girls because I do trust her judgement there. I have always been the pursuer in our MR. Even during our current crisis...I'm the one on message boards, reading books, and 'making progress' in our MC sessions.

In regards to the cell phone, some history:

2001: W and I are dating in undergrad. She admits to me that another student made a move on her, and they kissed. She shut it down, but when telling me about it had a panic attack. We moved passed it, got engaged, etc.

2010: W is in grad school. While she is tucking kids in bed, I see her phone light up. I look over as I'm getting something from fridge. I see following interaction.

School Preceptor: Do you have time to talk?
W: Can't right now

I stew on it for 4 hours, looking through phone bills...wake her up in the middle of the night to confront her. She denies, is hurt that I don't trust her. I eventually let it go and move on.

2014: Guy named 'Will' (apparently 'older and overweight flirter' colleague) would text her on weekends. "Happy Sunday". "What are you up to? I'm having a beer watching the game." I get all confrontational again, because it seems inappropriate. She is again frustrated at my inability to trust and the violation of her privacy.

2015: When her gall bladder was acting up...we were at a swim meet. Her sugar dropped, had to call ambulance. She had previously mentioned wanted certain colleagues to be her Docs if she had to go...and for me to reach out to her friend (Single/engaged guy). I asked for her passcode while she is on stretcher...she gives it. I jump in car to follow ambulance to hospital and begin to notify the friend. After I find his TM thread in her phone...I decide to scroll back through conversations. Mostly all business...but one interaction scared me. W found out that colleague liked Super Mario Kart. W and I used to play all the time. She commented on how good she was and how she should 'bring it over' so they could play. This text message happened while I was away on business and girls were with me. (Oddly...W and I sexted that week). So...after she recovers a bit...I confront her about it. Tell her it makes me nervous. She is sad at this point...says I don't trust her. That she hasn't had an EA or PA. That she 'just can't keep doing this.'


So...approx 1 month after this...the colleague moves away, and then the wife pretty much shuts down.

Finally: Sex life = once/month for the past 4 months. Alcohol induced every time, w/ her saying 'this is just sex'. 'I don't want to lead you on'.