First off…I’ve been reading a lot of your stories over the past month. It is heartbreaking and inspirational, wrapped up in a ball of compassion. I’m not much for ‘online communities’, minus some Facebook stuff….but this place seems to have developed a pretty cool culture of hope and support. Well done!
My story is not nearly as difficult as many here have endured…I hope to learn from you how to manage my anxiety/fear, and grow my patience. 
I am a 36yo Husband and father to 3 amazing little girls (11, 11, 9). My wife and I have been together for nearly 15 years, married 13. My story is ‘typical’ in that I knew our relationship had its rough patches, and hot-button topics that we were always struggling with…but this type of thing seemed a normal part of the ‘seasons’ of marriage to me. When we would have these struggles, the W’s first line of defense was to ‘build a wall’. As our season would change…she would allow me back in, and we would work on stuff and move forward. Most recently, these seasons/cycles would last approx. 3-4 weeks, and have happened approximately 4 times in the past 18 months.
In January of 2015 the W began taking some medicine to help her lose a bit of weight. She wasn’t vastly overweight…but wanted to lose 40lbs or so. That medicine worked…too well…then she developed Gall Bladder disease and had to have that removed in July 2015. Needless to say…very difficult 7 months for her physically…
We were definitely going through one of our seasons (that could last 3-4 weeks) in July/August and then she pretty much shut me out. Her wall stayed up. It has been up ever since. She said the ILYBNILWY, “I love you, but not as my husband”, “You are an amazing Dad”, etc. Then as time passed…I pursued (wrong, I know this now) and the arguments got worse. Now she says “You are controlling and manipulative…even if you don’t mean to be, you are.” “I want to be alone.” 

She has stated multiple times that she wants a separation, but is unwilling/unable to make any major decisions. Her difficulty in asserting herself is corroborated by our MC, who we see once or twice/month. This is a strange dichotomy because she is extremely assertive and successful at work (medical profession, and is primary breadwinner). So….it’s LIMBO time.
I’ve read DB and DR. I’ve been working on my 180 for nearly 4 weeks now. My 180 entails not trying to ‘uncover’ the reason for her sudden disconnect. I’ve confronted about possibility of EA or PA, she denies. I have seen (snooped) some text messages that could be interpreted as inappropriate…but could easily be harmless flirt/banter with colleagues and her trying to expand her ‘friendships’ (She has always kept people at arms length). 180 also entails me no longer moping around, exercise, career change, and doing my best to GAL.


Parts of the 180 is tough for me b/c she has pretty much shut me out. Only have R talk at MC. Changed all passwords (because I would confront her about text messages I saw pop up) to phone/laptop, etc. and is VERY protective of it now. If I’m in the bathroom and its charging…she comes in to ‘grab a hair tie’ and takes her phone with. She puts her phone on ‘do not disturb’ and when she forgets I hear it go off in the evenings (late, etc). So…my anxiety tends to skyrocket. Her ‘new close friend’ is a female co-worker who is single. This friend seems to genuinely care about W, but I have asserted that W wants to ‘be’ the friend…single, unattached, successful, etc.
Other details: She is taking a few meds for depression, and is supposedly seeing someone for individual therapy. Just last week I began seeing an therapist for some individual help as well.


All this seams so trivial compared to what I have read here…know that my heart goes out to each of you. I feel like I am drowning in distrust, anxiety, and uncertainty. I can only imagine how some of you have survived…you are truly amazing and tenacious!


I could write 4 more pages, without breaking, on our sitch…but I’ll let this suffice for now. Ask any questions or pose any suggestions for working on my anxiety/distrust. Also…having read the information on WW and MLC, etc…I guess I’m trying to see which category she ‘may’ fit in so that I know how to better DB.
Looking forward to learning from each of you.
Last edited by Cadet; 03/01/1610:01 AM.
Ojap M 13 T 15 D 11 D 11 D 9 BD #1: ILYBNILWY 09/2015 BD #2: W asks for S 12/2015 ---------- Currently: Limbo
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Pano, did any of the flirty texts come from the co-worker? Not to complicate your thinking, but my W left me for a supposedly straight woman. I hope you work it out.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I have had that fear though. W asserts that the flirty texts were from an 'older' guy who has the reputation of being 'that guy'.
Example text: (not verbatim, but close)
Colleague: Let's run away to Key West forever. Drinks on the beach, etc. Wife: C'mon, I bet you say that to all the girls.
However...W is very invested in her new friendship (though she states she hasn't discussed any of our details about our MR with her). She will spend the night there after going out with her work friends (who I don't know and haven't been invited to be a part of...). I will say that new friend was instrument in convincing W she needed to get some help for her depression...I am thankful for that.
Ojap M 13 T 15 D 11 D 11 D 9 BD #1: ILYBNILWY 09/2015 BD #2: W asks for S 12/2015 ---------- Currently: Limbo
Not sure why it is so tough. While working hard to GAL, I allow my emotions and heart to race on her every move! Very, very frustrating.
In all honestly...I know that I can/could survive (and maybe eventually thrive) without her...but it is heartbreaking. So tough to be told you aren't wanted any more. I have always considered myself pretty confident and assertive...now I feel totally codependant and needy.
I'm fighting those feelings and working on 'acting as if'. Done a really good job the last 3-4 weeks....just [censored] to have my heart start racing every time she is around.
Will get there!
Last edited by Cadet; 03/04/1605:07 AM.
Ojap M 13 T 15 D 11 D 11 D 9 BD #1: ILYBNILWY 09/2015 BD #2: W asks for S 12/2015 ---------- Currently: Limbo
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
