Sandi's Reflections

[sandi2]

Before I forget to ask, do you have children, and what are the ages of everyone?

I certainly am no authority about how to deal with separations. I do believe there are different types and reasons, and the LBS needs to base his/her behavior accordingly.

I think most couples have different expectations in the separation. Usually, the LBS sees it as a means to repair the MR, whereas the WAS sees it as freedom from the bounds of M. You see this separation as buying you more time. Have the two of you discussed each one's expectations? Is she simply agreeing to a separation, rather than divorce, to help you deal with it? Have either of you discussed a limited time for the separation? Will this be a legal separation, or will the two of you work out the details yourselves?

Perhaps your W has gone a long time with unmet emotional needs. She may feel that she gave one last hard try when she ended her EA and you thought things were really good. Sometimes, IMO, men think the MR is great b/c they see the W working hard at the R.....plus, the sex is great. However, the truth of the matter is that she's giving it her all, and he's enjoying the heck out of it. But, he is not really contributing to the relationship. His needs are met but her needs are not met. He thinks she's happy b/c he sees her doing things within the MR that he sums up as her being happy. Life is good. Only, it isn't b/c if she was not the one "giving" and putting out the work, it would fall flat. Her depression gets worse. She wonders when he will start giving her what she needs, and she eventually wears down. Her emotional energy is drained. Her motivation is gone. She feels things will never get better for her as long as she stays in this M. It is like a slow death for her. She is suffocating inside a plastic bag and is scratching & clawing to get air. For her, the answer is to end the M. She thinks it is the only way she can survive. If she is ever to be happy again, then it will be apart or outside of the M. Does this seem to describe your W?

One reason she may appear happy and motivated after the bomb is b/c she feels released and is starting a new life. At this time, she probably has no intentions of reconciling, and thinks she is allowing you to ease into the idea of divorce. If your W is not wayward, then I think it is important to keep things as friendly as possible. Don't allow her to roughshod you, but try to cooperate as much as possible. Bear in mind that there may not be a R, and once she's out of the house, you may discover a hidden affair or she may go ahead and file for D. So, be wise.

Personally, I think the H should give her the space she needs right now. That means he is not contacting all through the day or evening. He doesn't drive by her place, or just show for some made up excuse. He doesn't ask her questions about where she's been, what was she doing, or who she was with. That is a huge turnoff. If she initiates contact with him, then I think he should respond in a friendly, upbeat manner. During the "kid swap", he should show her his best smile and personality. In fact, during the S, je should show her his best whenever he has the opportunity.

If I were you, I'd probably give her a few weeks before I suggested having a once-a-week family outing. If she initiates wanting it, that's even better. Remember, this is very contrary to what I would advise a man who has a wayward. I don't want to blow anyone's mind here. Give her time and space first, and slowly build up to a healthy rapport. Put romance out of your mind for quite some time, b/c I doubt she will be ready very soon. Way down the road, if she still is not seeing anyone (as she claims), and if she seems to be warming toward you, then you might suggest just the two of you going out. Please, please understand that this is a very general scope or overview. And I continue to repeat that is not for a wayward.

Although she may not be wayward, she feels she is completely done with the M. If she feels you pressuring her to see you, she will start getting colder. If you push, she will bolt and padlock the door, so be sure you do nothing to indicate you are wanting to date her. She needs to think that you are being friend-ly, co-parenting well, and cooperative. Do NOT "remind" her (I don't know why men think women need to be reminded all the time) that you still want to reconcile, that you don't want to D, that you believe the M can be saved, ask her for another chance, etc. This absolutely piles pressure on a woman, and she will push you away. The two of you have different agendas, and you cannot afford to push your onto her. Does that make sense?

If you start right away wanting to date her, etc., I think she'll shut you down.....and it could cause her to go on and file for D. So, you would need to take things very slowly. The WAW absolutely feels dead on the inside......just as she described the tree. I used to compare it to a flower that never received sunshine and water (her emotional needs) and finally withered and died. That is how she feels.

She may have agreed to not dating, but I think she eventually will. If the two of you can agree on some ground rules, that's good. I just think she may not stick to them. The ground rules should not be with the intent to controll each other. I'll bet it was your idea about the no dating. In this day & time, people pretty much conduct themselves as if they are already divorced. Anyway, don't tell her you will or won't do something.......hoping it will spur her to agree likewise.

It is key for you to GAL. I can't stress that enough.

I don't know what she meant by you being mean to her, but if you know, then you need to fix it.