Still NC - Let's do the limbo pt2

[Mach1]

Thornton,
I feel the same way about my anger. Everyone tells me to "get angry" and I try (it only seems to come out in the shower for some reason lol). But otherwise, I can't so you're in good company. You're doing well though Thor and keep focusing on the only thing in this you can control - you. You've got this.

Anger isn't a bad thing. It is a normal emotion, and suppressing it, is the same as suppressing any emotion...

It is going to have to come out of you, before this is over, the same as it is going to have to come out of your spouse, before this is over.

It is how you choose to deal with it, that makes the difference...

A very wise man once told me...

Use your anger as a shield, not as a sword...

[TimR]

Thornton,
How are you doing today? I know yesterday was a rough one but today is a new day. I hope you are making the best of it.

[Thornton]

Mach,

I get what you're saying. I just don't know how to switch my thinking up.

How do you change something that's being automatic for so long?

It's like telling me to think the sky is green instead of blue, and to believe it.

I've been so depedent on her that I've lost myself. I don't even know where to start to look for myself, she took my compass.

Not trying to make excuses, just being honest.

People say work on yourself. Ok great! I don't know who I am, what do I work on? Where do I start? People say therapy, exercise and in my case, alanon. I'm doing those things (well maybe not the exercise like I should - I will).

I can go to the gym and work on my 6 pack, I can go to therapy and talk about my sh!t, I can go to alanon and talk to others in relationships with alcoholics, but once that is all said and done, when I walk back out to my Jeep, I'm back to missing W and hoping she misses me.

Do I just need more time? Will things start to reveal themselves with more time and distance? Or am I just screwed?

If you told me exactly what to do (in laymen's terms) to feel better about myself and to grow as a person, I would do everything you told me to do. I would do it willingly and without hesitation.

Am I just stuck in the denial/bargaining stage of grief? Hoping and praying for a miracle?

I see some people come here and instantly take to DB'ing. The first week they are panicking. Second week they are GAL. Third week saying "I think I deserve better than the WAS".

^^^Ok, maybe that's an exageration but that blows my mind! How do they find their footing so fast???

Am I just so unhealthy that I need to learn to walk again? Like Eddie Van Halen had to relearn the guitar after quitting drinking?

Maybe I need to put it all on paper. Think about the type of man I want to be and what the looks like. Then make a list of short and long term goals and start checking them off one by one.

^^^Problem with this is I don't know who I want to be. I've always wanted to be the family guy. The husband, father, and provider for the family. That's what gives me a sense of purpose. That's what's always made me whistle in the morning on my way out the door.

So I'm single now. And I know I'm no where close to being ready for a relationship with anyone.

So what now?

[Thornton]

Hey Tim,

I'm doing a little better today, thanks.

I slept ok surprisingly. Today will be my first day back in the gym in the last month - no excuses.

Im also going to the grocery store to stock up on my chicken breasts, brown rice, sweet potatoes, and vegetables.

I'm normally very much into fitness and eating right, have been for years. But this thing with W has messed me up. It's time to start working on me (at least physically, I dont know where to start with the emotional piece).

Time to get disciplined. I want to be ripped for the annual DB Beach Party Bash this summer.

[Sotto]

Hi Thornton

Maybe I need to put it all on paper. Think about the type of man I want to be and what the looks like. Then make a list of short and long term goals and start checking them off one by one.

(I read this first part and was like - Yes!!)

^^^Problem with this is I don't know who I want to be. I've always wanted to be the family guy.

(Then I read this part and was like - Oh )

Truly, I do think you sound like a lovely guy - and you may well have the family again some day soon. However - who are you without that structure around you? I think you need to know before 'family' can really work. Because then, you have your own identity, know your own boundaries and what matters you - and all of these things are essential in healthy relationships - as I'm discovering, and I was somewhat lacking/unaware here.

So - if we take your SO completely out of the equation here - and you're not dating for a good while - AND you are happy - tell us more about what that looks like.

Where do you live? Where do you work, doing what? Who are your friends? What do you do with them? How do you relax? What hobbies do you have? When do you achieve 'flow' or being in the 'zone?' What do you look forward to? What don't you like doing?

Ie: - who is the YOU without having anyone else in the picture??

Try not to feel frustrated - all of this soul searching is useful and will get you somewhere better I promise xx

[TimR]

Thornton

I know I am not Mach and your post was directed to him. But if I may, go to the three things you know, gym, alanon and therapy. Start there. Instead of Goal 1 find out who I am. Try something new. Goal 1 find out who I am not. Interested in model planes... find a group. Oops that kinda sucked, 1 I am not a model plane guy. Go out and try new things. Do you like to ski? You live in a skier's paradise. Do you like to rock climb? When I did (a long, long time ago) I would have loved to visit CO. Do you like live music? and So on.

Use this time to rediscover who is Thornton... To me that is GALing. Find yourself Thor and having done that maybe she will then find you as well. If that is the case or someone else finds you do not allow yourself to be lost again.

Thor, I do not know you. I would not know you if I fell over you at an airport. However, reading your posts to others I can tell you have something very valuable inside you. But it could be overlooked if you are not happy because you allowed your happiness to be controlled by another. Find yourself my friend.

[Thornton]

Sotto and Tim,

Thank you so much for you posts. You have me thinking.

I'm going to think about some things and type my Thornton 2.0 Goals/GALs/Gameplan tonight (time willing, I'll be at the gym remember?).

Would love your input.

Thanks again! G'day!

[Sparkls]

Is there every something you wanted to learn to do but never could?

FOr me, I played piano for years but haven't recently. Part of my GAL is whipping out my keyboard and learning to play Moonlight Sonnata

[Thornton]

I've been wondering about learning the guitar. I just wonder if I have the patience...

[Sparkls]

Well you've got time and space to do it now!