Not sure where to stand

[Sparkls]

I really appreciate that. I'm definitely not to the self forgiveness step yet. I waffle between thinking it's all my fault (I know I haven't been the best partner lately) and thinking if he had just told me what was going on, we could've fixed it, and that's all on him. The truth is somewhere in the middle entangled with a 3rd party who did nothing but tell him how awful I was and how he should just leave. Surround yourself with people who are in terrible relationships and suddenly your relationship starts to look even worse than it may really be. Just a mix of emotions: frustration, anger, guilt, fear, pain. etc. Preaching to the choir I know.

[Sparkls]

I was doing so good today. It's my day off from school. I woke up super early and it's a dreary rainy day so I went back to bed (first time I've been able to do that). Did some of my required reading and did a good job cleaning around the house (some things that *really* needed to be cleaned)

And then the cleaning backfired.
I guess a little more quick background on my sitch. My bf hasn't been the perfect citizen so to speak. When he was 19, he gave some pot to a 15 year old girl. Long story short is he ended up with a criminal record. I met him a few years after but due to a stubborn streak, he was still dealing with the judicial system. Through the first 4 years of our relationship, we had to endure him going to prison for 8 months and then again for another 3 months after violating his parole. (His PO really hated him and was constantly looking for reasons to violate him. Even told me at one point that I should dump him and go far away. Really professional)
Anyway, during those times, we wrote each other *a lot*. And my cleaning backfired because I just found a bunch of those letters.

We were *so* in love. And it wasn't the new puppy love. We had been together, living together for years at this point. His letters are full of hope for the future and love for me.

And I spent about half an hour reading them, torturing myself, crying. The last real conversation I had with him was him telling me he never loved me. That he never wanted any of this. That it was all a lie, he was faking it because he felt some sort of perverse loyalty to me because I stayed with him while he was in prison. And reading these letters, that's just so not true. I can feel how badly his heart was hurting at not getting to see me, talk to me, touch me. Where did that go? How did we get from there to here? And how can he have forgotten? I know the DB rules to not pursue, not try to remind him about about the relationship etc. But I want so badly for him to read this and remember. We're still those people, older and a bit worse for wear. But we're still them.
I know my situation is a bit different than everyone else's since we weren't actually married. We were just waiting for my mom's house to sell to buy rings. We both considered ourselves married. He always said lets call a spade a spade, you're my wife. And that makes it almost seem harder because there isn't legal paperwork he has to do to slow him down or make him second guess what he's throwing away. I'm trying so hard to have some faith that he'll remember and I"m doing all the other recommendations about getting myself figured out and healthy and happy again. But I guess I just don't know how to believe in happy endings when the love that was written in that letter can be so easily tossed away.

Sorry for the overly dramatic posting. You should see my journal. It's a hot mess.

[broke]

SparksSB,

I am so sorry you are feeling so down. I can only imagine how that must've felt to find all those letters. My H was not the romantic letter type but I found one email that he wrote that made me devastated and I so desperately wanted to send it to him to remind him of how much he loved me.

But, remember, they aren't thinking rationally right now. And, anytime I pursued, begged, pleaded or tried to have a logical conversation with my H, it just backfired. I think he felt backed into a corner and he retreated even further. I am not sure that db'ing will give me the opportunity to reconcile which is what I want. However, I have been doing it for the last 4 weeks and my H and I have had more "civil" contact in the last 2-3 days than in the last 2-3 weeks. So, while my ultimate goal would be to get a second chance to repair my M, I do believe that had I been db'ing from the start I would've had a better shot. So, IMHO, I don't think sending him the letters is the right course of action. Can you get out and do some GAL'ing tonight? Or, maybe get in a good workout? I hope you feel better.

((hugs))

[Sparkls]

Like, this is an excerpt from one of the letters: Nothing satisfies me here, I am plagued with the thought of you by yourself, feeling the same way I feel now. I would gladly make any man in this jail bleed if it meant kissing you and telling you how much I love you. It still baffles me how this happened, why this happened but the rest of this nightmare is all downhill. I’m so close I can taste it, and they can never take that away. Before the year is through, we will be together again and we’ll never be part like this. Ever. I’m writing this to say that I love you and I miss you dearly. Be strong honey, this will be over soon. Last night I dreamed that it was New Year’s Eve and you and I had spent a stupid amount of money on a wonderful bottle of champagne to ring in the apocalyptic new year. :-p But it was us, together, and it was all the more glorious since I knew it would be true.
<3 always,

I don't know how to let that go. It's not in my tool box.

And to answer your question Broke, I won't be sending these to him. I spent like 3 days before finding out about the affair and 1.5 days after doing the wrong thing. Since then, I've done the DBing stuff to the best of my ability. Haven't spoken to him in over a week. It's pouring rain, otherwise I'd take my puppies for an extra long walk. GAL isn't going to happen cause it's already late and my friends and I all have to be up early tomorrow. Really, I just want to shut down. Disconnect from the outside world unless absolutely necessary, and wake up 3 months from now when I can just move on. I have fleeting moments of terrible ideas but I know better than to act on them (things like sending these letters to the OW and telling her to please, please be a better person and let me try and work things out with my boyfriend.) I don't understand how people do this to other people. Makes me not want to bring children into a world where people act like this to each other.

[Thornton]

Sparks,

I can relate. WAW made me a big scrapbook with pictures of us, printed out emails, and love letters. I stumbled across it a few weeks ago. Gutted me. She also made a mix CD of all the songs we used to listen to together.

I put it high up in my closet so I couldn't easily get to it again.

Now I'm considering throwing it away.

[Vanilla]

Sparks

You set the dynamics of your R as an open R with a bf, and set 'rules' for how this should work. These rules were 'breached' by your bf and as a result you separated. I hope I have this correctly. Your bf has been to prison for giving an underage girl drugs and has fought the system because its in his nature. Clearly restrictions and compliance with'rules' aren't his forte.

Do you want an open R?

Sparks this is a site dedicated to repairing M and R. The essence is the antithesis of an open R. For me the stance on this is to stand and repair myself to make a healthy R possible in the future.

What exactly are you seeking to achieve? What are your goals?

I read some sensible and very grounded posts from you on a couple of threads and can observe that you have a great attitude to DB.

V

[Sparkls]

Of course situations are never quite that simple. Essentially, yes. Except it was more than just breaching rules, he pulled the ILYBNILWY and "Not sure if I want to be with you." The separation happened because he continued to bring this OW to my home and I could only take so much.
But yes, he historically has a problem with rules.

I've already told him that I don't want an open R. I really haven't wanted one for years. It was a flight of fancy from a much younger and stupider me. But I didn't speak up for that loudly enough. One of my mistakes in our R. He had expressed that he never wanted it to begin with. During one of our brief "ups" on this roller coaster, we were speaking about what we each wanted from the future and I made it clear that if it continued, the relationship would no longer be Open. While I believe there are some couples who can successfully do "alternative R"s. I'm not one of them and I don't want to pretend to be anymore.

So what are my goals? Short term: graduate med school (in 3 months), lose some weight, continue counseling because it's been long overdue, work on being the person I used to be before life really knocked me down one too many times.

As far as my R, I just want a chance to see where things lead. I firmly believe that the love that we had and the life that we built is worth fighting for, even if we fail. I'm frustrated because the people Bf has surrounded himself with here are not good people. I'm seeing him slip back into his old destructive ways, the ways we worked so hard for him to overcome. And I have always been there for him before to act as the voice of reason but that's not something I can do right now. He has to fight this journey alone. And that leaves me with a hole. I'll be fine without him. My life is going to good places. But the good places are so much better when you get to share them with the person you love. So I guess I'm hoping he'll see that. So goals for my R: I have none. Because there's nothing I can do anymore.

[Vanilla]

Thank you for the clarification. My WH never brought an OW to the big house although he did bring her to the holiday flat.

Then denied it.

There can be great stability issues for those with anti social tendencies mainly because of their rebellious streak, usually they need a come to Jesus revaluation.

Can you list your goals more fully?

How far are you with your studies?

What type of counselling?

Why do you think you fell for this BF?

As always it's ok to say no V and not to answer.

V

[Ojap]

Agree w/ Thornton.

I'll also echo that 'owning' your portion of the issue is huge. Only last month did I have my own personal epiphany about how my actions contributed to the issues in our MR. It was a turning point.

You CAN and WILL thrive when this storm/season is over. As my mother would say, 'This too shall pass'.

It will PASS. It will not erase the hurt, or the fond memories...but the storm will pass. Keep your head up!

[Sparkls]

I"m a 4th year med student. I'll be graduating in May and starting residency in June/July. I'm in individual counseling through my school. We're only a couple sessions in but I like my counselor a lot. I have a lot of things that I've repressed that I probably need to fully address (deaths of family members, being disowned by my family due to greed on their part, all the things with the bf etc).

As far as goals:
I used to be happy all the time. Despite everything that I've been through, I always had fun, I loved being around people, I was fun, witty and creative. In med school, I lost all of that. I was too busy and depression set in and I never really realized it. I'm on antidepressants now, and finding the things I used to love (writing, reading, piano). It's a slow process though. Can't make changes overnight I suppose.
I want to start exercising more. Again, med school has stolen all of my life and I stopped. I'm walking my dogs for about 1.5 hours every day. May start going ot the gym at school again once my heel heals a bit. Right now I'm not really eating but I had started a really good diet before sh*t hit the fan that I intend to continue.
Other short term goals:
My house is a disaster area and I will be moving in 3 months so I'm starting to organize and box things and donate old things.
Getting tags figured out for my car.
Unfortunately, a lot of my planning has to wait for March 18th when I Found out where I"m going for residency. Then it'll be a push to find a house, sell this one, move etc.


As far as why I fell for Bf, that's a really hard one to answer. We just fit. We liked enough of the same things to have things to talk about but also had our own interests that we liked to share. We had similar life goals (have a good family, kids, a warm and welcoming home). Physically we were very compatible. I loved that he was nerdy and silly. I have said he helps keep me young because I have a tendency to act like a 50 year old. He reminded me to have fun and be goofy and I reminded him to be a bit more serious and practical. We just balanced each other out is the best way I can describe it. I hope that makes sense.