Please listen and consider the advice that you've been given, especially from Wonka. You are in an abusive situation, i.e., emotional and mental. No one should have to put up w/the bs that you are at this time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Red, I know how hard it is to miss your life. I feel the same way. We want to wake up from this never ending nightmare. We want to get what I call the "miracle phone call" that they're so so sorry and the A is over, and let's get back to our real lives where we are loved and cared for and safe. It hasn't happened yet. We have to just keep on breathing. Some days that's all there is. We have no other choice.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Red, I am so sorry for your circumstance but something needs to change, it is just not healthy for you and if you continue to allow it, I worry it will get worse.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
Red, while I am new, I too want to echo Wonka's advice. Please get help from your state's Domestic Violence Coalition. Your H's actions ARE abusive and it is NOT your fault. Please be safe!
Ojap M 13 T 15 D 11 D 11 D 9 BD #1: ILYBNILWY 09/2015 BD #2: W asks for S 12/2015 ---------- Currently: Limbo
Nygal: pretty much how I feel..even though I know hes bad for me, and I deserve more, I can't let go. I feel like there is something wrong for me.
My therapist said I am in a serious state of denial and need to accept my marriage is over or I'll never move on. She just keeps telling me he is never coming back and I'm trying to accept it but I can't seem to.
Painter: Not as bad..50-60% came the month or two before we separated until now. Before he was always loving and sweet and now I'm like who the f are YOU. It was like before it was level 3-5 on most things and now it is level 7-10 on the pyscho controlling manipulative emotionally abusive train.
Tim: I know we are getting divorced..he tells me all the time, he has OW he has wanted since he was 15 apparently, he keeps telling me he has never loved me.
Like I know it is over..and he is being awful and showing his true colors but I am having letting go issues.
My good friend told me her dad was worried about me and my kids and wants us to pack emergency overnight bag for their guest room. They said they have seen my Hs temper and have known him the last 7 years and worry about if I start doing boundaries and being angry or mean he is going to snap on me.
He pretty much says the same thing V did in my last thread.
I had my sister tell me all I do is defend him,even now with him leaving me.
Example: he made it hard for me have girlfriends
He could go out until 2-3 am and leave at 4-6pm
I would have to leave at 9pm after kids were asleep and home by 11ish
My excuse: well its easier for me to put the kids to bed..and he is the one who works all the time and I know that he needs to be able to sleep since he works late until almost midnight..so I have to go home early so I can be up with the baby..etc etc
In my eyes I never saw it as controlling. Even now that I see it as controlling, I still am like well it makes sense why I would need to come home type thing.
It is like my brain in logical and my heart is like pshhhk no shut up and listen to me.
You now know you are being abused, your mind knows (spell break) but your heart does not want to accept it.
Unfortunately this is reality of your life now.
That is an indicator of abuse, being a target. If the abuse is in your WH personality this won't change in the longer term unless WH has long term serious therapy and commits himself to this.
Your sitch is different to mine although we have one thing in common a destructive abusive WH. It is my opinion that IRL those of us in abuse sitches need additional support. Most targets of abuse take 5 or 6 serious abuse incidents to leave their abuser. Each time the abuser starts a new cycle of abuse which is a sweet cycle.
You have two children involved in this too, it can be damaging for them to see their mother being treated this way.
DB in this circumstances is for you to rebuild you so that you can grow into your life. You disclosed your father was also abusive and alcoholic so there is much work for you to do. So that your choices are healthy for the future.
You have choices in this of course and you don't need to do anything you don't want to do.
Be safe
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I also forgot to add that Wonka advised me to seek support from the UK equivalent of the DV service. I did so and it was part of my re-education on abuse.
It wasn't something I wanted to know or accept. I stayed in a very serious abuse sitch for two and half years and would have continued to stand for a very long time further.
In the end WH got petulant and left, he wanted me to crawl and ask him to stay as I had done for so in the past. I have to say his behaviour was much like your WH, entitled and controlling.
He still tries to control V.
It isn't good news at all.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
