I wanted to give you a big ol' internet hug and tell you how sorry I am to hear that you are feeling so down. I've known some dark days myself, and I understand how brutal they can be. You are brave for reaching out and being honest here.
And I would have to agree with Maybell. I've been reading your recent postings and it does seem like you might need some professional help you get unstuck. I also know from my own experience how difficult it can be to take those steps to get help. So, please know that we are all here cheering for you and wishing you well. You will get through this.
