Still NC - Let's do the limbo pt2

[JujuB]

Hi Thornton,

You give such kind, supportive advise on this board. To be honest, I have been holding back on posting on your situation because what I want to tell you does not coincide with dbing

I feel like many of us females on here would love to be with a guy like you. You are loyal, supportive, empathetic, and you supported and loved a child that was not your own. You actually give me hope that good men do exist out there.

I understand how sad, depressive,frustrating it is that your wife is not capable of loving and treating you the way you deserve to be. And you really do deserve to be treated well. You forgave her once but when it occurs repetitively how much is fair for you to undergo?

It sounds like you are exploring the reason why you go for women that are not really attainable?

On a side note....
I am a bit confused by codependency. I have not read much about it. I kind of feel that any relationship involving children does require a level of codependency? Both partners need to give up a part of themselves to function as a family unit. From a practical standpoint maintaining individual hobbies and friendships at the same time as raising kids and working and keeping a marriage going seems like a luxury that is only really doable for a very small percentage of us. My husband complains about having to give up everything and I feel like yeah, unless your wealthy you kind of do when the kids are little at least.
Or am I getting this wrong?

[Thornton]

Juju,

Thank you so much for the kind words.

It's funny because I feel the same way about the women on this board. Such caring people.

I agree with you, codependency is tricky especially when you have kids. It makes it hard to maintain your own identity. I think the key is finding a balance. Maybe if its only a few hours a week to pursue things that enrich your life. In my case, I would make my entire life about my family. I didn't do things with friends, I wanted to spend my free time with WAW and our kids doing things together. To me, that was normal. But I wasn't balanced. I didn't do things just for me. Perhaps WAW just got bored with me.

In my relationship we definitely got in a rut. We both worked and then came home at the end of the day. I would help her daughter with her homework while she cooked dinner. It was like that every day.

Then we would clean up, watch a little tv and then go to bed. Rinse, wash, repeat.

Date nights were hard to come by as well.

[someguy1233]

Hi Thornton,

You give such kind, supportive advise on this board. To be honest, I have been holding back on posting on your situation because what I want to tell you does not coincide with dbing

I feel like many of us females on here would love to be with a guy like you. You are loyal, supportive, empathetic, and you supported and loved a child that was not your own. You actually give me hope that good men do exist out there.

I understand how sad, depressive,frustrating it is that your wife is not capable of loving and treating you the way you deserve to be. And you really do deserve to be treated well. You forgave her once but when it occurs repetitively how much is fair for you to undergo?

It sounds like you are exploring the reason why you go for women that are not really attainable?

On a side note....
I am a bit confused by codependency. I have not read much about it. I kind of feel that any relationship involving children does require a level of codependency? Both partners need to give up a part of themselves to function as a family unit. From a practical standpoint maintaining individual hobbies and friendships at the same time as raising kids and working and keeping a marriage going seems like a luxury that is only really doable for a very small percentage of us. My husband complains about having to give up everything and I feel like yeah, unless your wealthy you kind of do when the kids are little at least.
Or am I getting this wrong?

I'm definitely in the codependent camp, so this is my thought in retrospect.

I think it's important to maintain yourself even while the children are young. It's hard. Really hard. But everyone needs some time to themselves to be with other adults, doing hobbies or things that they enjoy. It's impossible to keep all of the same activities one had before kids, but it's important to keep some.

[Thornton]

^^^very true

[TimR]

Thornton, I just caught up on your post. I only have a bit to say on it and am not sure if I should or not....

Here is my thought... You remember saying about if she moves everything out... You don't think she does too? You don't think this is to get at you somehow?

Remember believe none of what she says and only HALF of what she does. I am not telling you to hold out hope but think you should pause for a bit until you are not make decisions out of emotion.

[Thornton]

She could possibly be trying to get at me but I don't know why she would want to. I haven't done anything to warrant a pissing contest.

I told her I didn't want her to go. That's about it.

I would assume she's feeling really guilty for leaving me in such a predicament, emotionally and financially. Our house is only in my name and I won't be able to afford it much longer on my own.

She wanted the house, I got it for her and then she bails. I cant imagine she would want to rub salt in my wounds.

But then again, I didn't think I would be here again either.

Who knows...

Ive been fantasizing about her coming back one day and me not caring anymore. I don't like feeling vengeful, its not who I am or who I want to be.

Maybe I'm just angry. My parents tell me I should be furious but for some reason, I still forgive her. I'm a sucker.

Honestly, she's not a bad person. I just think she has issues that she runs from.

But, you're right. None of what they say and only half of what they do.

[broke]

Thorn-

You are just a good guy that's why you can't be angry, that's why you don't think she'd be trying to get at you, that's why you don't want to be vengeful, that's why you forgive her and don't think she's a bad person. You are just a good guy who wants another chance to fix a relationship because you love her.

Keep working on yourself, Thornton. You've come so far in such a short amount of time. Just think about how much a good guy like you can offer in your next relationship with all the work you are doing on yourself (with or without your wayward partner).

We really can't read her mind and know why she did it. So keep fighting the good fight. For YOU. But it's only been a short time so don't give up yet. Thinking of you.

[Thornton]

Broke,

Thanks so much. You are so kind.

[HopeRB]

Thornton,

I feel the same way about my anger. Everyone tells me to "get angry" and I try (it only seems to come out in the shower for some reason lol). But otherwise, I can't so you're in good company. You're doing well though Thor and keep focusing on the only thing in this you can control - you. You've got this.

[Mach1]

So I have a confession to make...

Ive been secretly holding out hope that because waw wasn't moving things out of our house, that she was maybe thinking about coming back. It's what happened the first time.

When we reconciled, I told her that her moving all her stuff out of my house, would have been symbolic that we were over. She said she knew that and that's why she didn't come get everything.

I spent the weekend at my parents house and stopped by our house after work today. D8's room is completely cleaned out. I felt like I'd been sucker punched. It knocked the wind out of me.

I guess it's real this time. I drove back to my parents house a MESS.

I'd been holding out hope that WAW would see that being apart from me, wasn't the answer. That she would miss me too much. She would realize that I'm the guy for her. Clearly that's not the case.

This feels like another bomb. I stupidly held on to hope and now I'm paying for it.

The finality of it stings so bad. All the memories come flooding back.

I feel heartbroken all over again.

Really ??? .......... bonehead

Truth is...

You are looking for a sign from her, some sort of scrap so that you can keep holding on, or having hope....

Hope comes from the inside of yourself, not from some external sign from the Pope, or Bigfoot...

"Oh, if she picks her left nostril, she still loves me"

It doesn't work that way...

And when you try to make it work that way, all it is, is you giving yourself permission to just sit around and wait on her, watch what she does, FB stalk her....

So what if she picks her left nostril ??

How does that affect YOU, and your chance to find yourself ?

So what if she is giving the Geico Caveman a bikini wax today ??

How should that affect any work that you NEED to do for yourself ??

You have to stop holding her accountable, for the choices that you are making.

Hope....

That comes from inside of you buddy, nobody else can give you that, nor can anyone take that away from you...

Be the superstar of your own ending..