WW, My Addiction, Patience, and Hope - III

[NYGal]

Sandi, I wish I could get some advice from you. I honestly thought W was leaning my way, but I guess I didn't play it cool enough. So I told her to leave me alone after she spent VDay weekend with ow. Now I hate it that I never see or hear from her. It's just so hard.

[CWOL]

Since she's blame shifting, she will not consider moving out. She has said the only person moving would be me. She's super cozy having OM on her phone, me here to help around the house, help with the kids, and bring home $$$.

I feel trapped right now. Kind of want to crawl in a corner and cry.

Don't move out. It will put you in a bad spot later legally.

[trumpet]

Thanks CWOL. I had already found that out myself, but it's just the level of tension in the house is high.

I'm not the best at hiding my emotion. The W did converse with me a bit tonight, when I was serving supper, but I don't really count it as conversation. I'm not angry or super-hurt, but now when I'm in the same room as her I'm just sad, and uncomfortable.

The hold on the D will take us through the middle of April. I guess I can last that long. We'll have to make a decision on what to do then. I'm blessed to know that there is an end-date to us living in 'super-limbo' as I like to call it.

[trumpet]

Letting go of her is not a guarantee she will turn around, but I think you have to protect your own emotional health at this time. If you truly let go, Trumpet, she will know it. You won't have to tell her or try and show her........she'll just know. Knowing that her H is "done" could go one of two ways. She may temporarily feel a sense of freedom, or feel you are calling "enough", which could shake some of the fog and she could even be attracted back. It happens all the time with women. So, I hope you can continue to feel detached and moving forward for yourself. If she does act as if she is suddenly wanting to see if you are still attached to her........play it very cool, b/c it will be tempt checking.

Once you let go, it may throw her more off balance and she may start grabbing at you for stability (support), IDK. If she was earnestly working to withdraw from the OM, then I would tell you to give all kinds of support, however, she was never fully on board (reluctant to transparency), and now is contacting OM and furious at you. In her rebellious mode, she is willfully removing herself from your umbrella of protection and provision.

Continue focusing on your new job. It seems to be helping keep you busy. She and OM may have another short breakup, or not. Basically, she has to see for herself without you trying to persuade or convince her decision. As you may know, I am a firm believer that the H of a WW should turn loose and let her alone to learn for herself. Once H let's go, then her attempts at blaming and resisting him for everything, gets more & more shallow........thus forcing some of the fog to lift and helping her see reality a bit more clearly. Obviously, every situation is a little different, and the spread of time varies.

Lots to report, folks.

After Sunday, things went downhill. Mon/Tues were no conversations, but I did find that she had talked with OM. On Wednesday, while getting ready for work, I grabbed a shirt out of the master bedroom closet/bathroom, and did ask if she was still texting/talking with OM. No reply. This was the third time I had asked in about a week, and everytime I was stonewalled.

I then did something stupid. She left her phone on the counter, I grabbed it, and she went into a crazy fit trying to get the phone from me. I sat on the toilet, while she frantically scratched for the phone, ripping my shirt, and putting marks on my neck. I repeated about 3 times, in a calm voice during the scuffle 'W, you have a problem, and you need to get help'. I finally relented, gave her the phone, and realized out D7 watched it, and was crying hysterically.

I then retreated to the other bathroom, and called my brother, a cop. He told me to leave the house immediately. As I called, she forced open the door, and put her foot into the door to come at me, screaming that she hates me, and lots of other 4 letter words. Completely out of control.

She left with D7 to the schoolbus; I got showered and changed, and headed to my counseling session. We talked about what happened, and next steps. I called my brother and another friend. Also, my W had contacted our pastor and made mention that I had choked her and hit the dog, both of which I didn't do. I let him know what happened, and that she was now fully into the EA.

I made the decision to report the scuffle to police. No arrests were made, but one or both of us could have been, per the officer.

I called my attorney, re-started the divorce, and filed a motion to remove her from the house, based on her outburst on Wed. She received the motion on Friday. I told 2/3 kids last night, and they are in denial.

I have tried to stay away from my W as much as possible. Today, she is with the kids at a chili feed with friends from college. Unfortunately, many, if not most of them are in my wife's camp, telling her that she deserves to be happy, and to F&*$ me, and take me for what I'm worth. That I was never good enough for my W, and she deserves better.

Both my older kids believe my wife, as she has told them repeatedly that OM is 'just a friend'. She almost has our pastor convinced now as well.

It really feels like the world is closing in around me. My kids don't even believe me anymore! I do have my inner circle who believe something is seriously wrong with my wife, and really don't see any hope of R.

We have a court date of 3/15 to decide if my W gets the boot from the house. Until then, I will tread lightly, and move on with my life. I know, at this very moment, that my W is telling my college friends just how aweful I am, how I have forced her into a D, and how much better she will be without me.

She has blocked me and my family on Facebook. She is telling those who will listen that the cops were called, and she's the victim in all of this.

Very difficult stuff to take. I feel very alone right now. I hear Zeus whispering in my ear about beliefs being stronger than feelings. I know he's right, and my Savior tells me the same thing, and that in Him I believe. It's part of living life, you will have down times. This is one of them.

I can't stop my wife from contacting him. I can't stop her from being in love with him, and wanting that relationship to continue, even when she's supposedly wanted to reconcile... but not really. I just couldn't live anymore with her living the double life.

Doubts keep creeping into my mind - maybe he is JUST a friend... but even as early as last week, she mentioned she's depressed, and that she still LOVES him.

Any help/support for one of many on here who has seemed to do it all wrong?

I think I'm firmly back on the divorce diet - no hunger. But the old ticker is taking a beating right now - sleep has been very difficult.

[Zues126]

Trumpet, you have to detach now. I know you thought you were, but you absolutely must get far from her emotionally. She is going to destroy the life you two built, and you can't be anywhere near ground zero. You said she needs help, but my challenge is always "how can you expect her to let go of OM if you can't let go of her"?

Of course she is in an EA/PA. Of course her friends are jumping on the bandwagon. Of course no one sees it your way, you can't blame your kids for believing what they wished was true, shoot, even you said you were almost doing that. And yes, the world is how it is, and most people consider divorce a natural progression in this 'get yours' world.

It hurts. It stinks. We see it all over, but somehow we think we're different, our love is special, it won't happen to us. Unfortunately our culture is twisted and this is the new normal. And because of that the odds of this somehow turning around are slim. I'm not telling you not to stand for your marriage, but hope will not serve you here, not if it means being unprepared for the reality.

Be sad. Be pissed off. Be jaded. Be bitter. Be whatever you need to be...but then calm down and take care of yourself. All of the stuff you talked about doesn't matter. What matters is what you believe, what you do. Live in a way so that if you're divorced in 3-6 months and she's remarried you won't have any regrets with how you played your cards.

Sorry you're here. There's nowhere worse. More than ever it's time to lean on God and be stubbornly appreciative for whatever you have left to celebrate.

[trumpet]

Thanks, Zeus. Prayers are helping.

[TxHubby]

If he was just a friend she wouldn't have gone bat sh*t crazy when you grabbed her phone. Every one of her dirty little secrets are all documented in that phone. Brother, she's lost in the fog. You need to detach from her pronto and I mean really detach. She's spiraling toward self-destruction. Don't go along for that ride.

[JGuy]

That's really awful, trumpet. I'm sorry that it has sunk this low. Something about you snooping must really trigger your W in a bad way for her to lose it like that. In my sitch, I gave up snooping back at the end of December, and I'm glad I did. I have no way to know for sure that my W is being honest other than gut feelings, but I prefer this over what it was turning me into to be snooping on her. Not being able to know if she was contacting the OM really forced me to let go and start to detach.

If there's one thing that you and your W might be able to get aligned on at this point, it's putting the kids first. Perhaps if you speak to your W from a place of vulnerability and genuine concern for the kids, you can find a way to meet in the middle and agree not to escalate the drama any further. It sounds like her madness is getting the better of her and the slightest mistake on your part gets blown out of proportion. I think the best way to make sure you don't add more fuel to the fire is to detach, like Zues says.

[trumpet]

If he was just a friend she wouldn't have gone bat sh*t crazy when you grabbed her phone. Every one of her dirty little secrets are all documented in that phone. Brother, she's lost in the fog. You need to detach from her pronto and I mean really detach. She's spiraling toward self-destruction. Don't go along for that ride.

TxHubby,

She told our pastor that she is waiting for me to 'snap'... what I think she means is that she knows I know that what she's doing is wrong, and she wants me to go ape on her for it - to punish her. But I don't, so she's waiting for the shoe to fall, or really, the bowling ball off the top shelf.

I haven't gotten angry or upset - but I did force the issue with the phone again, and she acted bat-s&%t crazy.

I have made a commitment to stay away from her. I have started the divorce process again - we had a temp hold to reconcile, but there was no reconciling. I do think the EA will have to run it's course, and turn into a PA.

Here is what I'm going to do:
Back to the gym more often, now that I'm settled into the new job. Lose another 30 lbs, minimum.
Avoid wife at all costs, and minimal texting - essential kid stuff.
Force myself to try not to snoop - does no good, and I really need to start coming up with 'what if W says/does/presents xyz in court'. Need to have a good defense for any objections brought up.

3/15/16 will be here very soon - that's the day we're in family court, where the judge listens to both sides, and we present the case for removing my wife from the house. I'm hopeful that I win, and my wife can find a place. Excited to see what comes of the divorce. Maybe she'll turn around, but right now, it's way more likely that the Titanic hit the iceberg, and I need to find a lifejacket and boat. I need to prepare for that - I will be a single dad of 3 in 6 months. Time to man up, be ready for the added responsibility, and make the next 6 months a hard-core effort to put the best of me out there, so I'm ready for the next challenge. The Lord puts everyone through the fire for a reason - to refine them, and to make a better person on the other side. I see that in the progress I've made so far.

120 days. Porn free. Never, ever thought I'd see that day. It's unbelievable, really. And it makes me happy. Still have struggles, ladies and gents - the urge to have sex is still there, and I hope it's always there. I need to find the right person to share myself with... my wife has decided that other men are more suitable than me. I'm working on being just fine with that statement.

[TxHubby]

Great post. You have a great plan. Don't waver. You'll be much happier in the long run if you don't. You've got over half your life still ahead of you. That's awesome. Live for you and for the kids now. She's definitely living for herself and not your family. Keep getting in better shape, that's really good for you. Exercise releases endorphins and is the absolute best way to fight depression/sadness. Far better than medication.

It really is going to get better for you. Open your eyes to new opportunities to grow, learn, love. Become a new you. The you that you used to dream of being when you were a kid.

Stay the course, your plan is solid, and you're doing well. No anger. No crying. No begging. Stay the course.