Poor work is not getting my full attention today - but i think this is an important break through for me...
ExH has been completely distant from the boys and I since driving off 2 plus years ago. Recently he has been making contact with the boys more - which i know is important, but I have struggled with the way it has been done. I have seen the boys confusion and hurt when as their increased contact with their Dad is awakening them more to his actions.
In particular i have struggled with the ultimatums of, 'if you want to spend time with me (doing cool things), then you need to spend time with Ow'. I know the boys want to do the cool things - so choose to spend time in this setting which I find uncomfortable. It is not about me though is it. I get it now, this is just part of the process. I have read it so many times - but somehow took this step personally after so long of detaching. Detachment was much easier with ExH more distant himself.
I still dont like it, but know i dont need to like it. The boys know how to set boundaries, but ultimately it is there choice to spend time with their dad/Ow, or not; do cool things with their Dad/Ow or not. Ive got to let MY issues with that go. Boo I dont like it, but now I get it.
The more they see of each other the clearer the current truth will be . This i do like the thought of and will reassure myself with.
I'm glad you found your way here and have decided to post after lurking for 2 years (The "cling on" term cracks me up!)
You are not divorced and XH is engaged to OW, right? Your boys sound like they are busy with their activities. Does XH ever participate/spectate? Is there any type of official custody arrangement? I know you don't like how XH is offering his time contingent upon also spending it with OW. Do your boys need support in how they handle it?
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Yes, Xh and I are not divorced, he has actually never asked for a divorce, told me he doesn't love me or uttered ILYBANILWY, simply drove away and acts as if everything is just fine.
He is engaged to OW and has lived with her since BD. The boys do not know he is engaged and i have only been told by friends not by XH.
I am working towards a legal separation with a lawyer which has proven difficult, as XH does not seem able to provide any information requested, Has stopped and started working with different lawyers and if he does provide information it is not accurate.
As a result the money from the sale of our marital home is sitting in a solicitors bank account untill our relationship property can be resolved, Ex took our only car and receives benefits from a company we owned together in a familytrust - which i was employed in part time prior to BD but have had no input into since BD as I am not a director. XH also has many other items removed from our marital home prior to it being sold that he denies having. The only thing he acknowledges having removed is some guns - even these were initially denied, but admitted to when I advised Xh i would need to inform the police as they were missing.
My solicitor is filling documents to settle our relationship property issues in court - a rather rare thing in NZ, but seems to be the only way to ensure XH actually provides the necessary information. My poor solicitor respects but does not understand at all my preference not to file for divorce at the same time I dont need or want to do that and assume that XH will file for Divorce when/if he decides to actually marry OW.
The boys are very very busy - meaning I am too. The one activity that they do that I have not been able to maintain is wakeboarding - competitivley - which in NZ is a very small circle of people. XH removed our boat (and a myriad of other things which he denies having to this day - but which the boys see when they spend time with him...) and arrives at random times to take the boys wakeboarding.
The boys have told me that although they do not like the situation and do not want to show support for the situation, they would do anything to go wakeboarding. I encourage them to talk with me about their feelings and offer support for them to go and try to be understanding when they return home happy/sad and usually a bit unpleasant after time doing what they love under circumstances they would rather not be in.
Xh has seen more of them in the last month than the last 2 years put together - all around wakeboarding and including OW. I do wonder if he is plucking up courage to mention the engagement.
Xh has not been to other activities/school things/birthdays/christmas in over 2 years - just wakeboarding. Actually, he has taken to competing in these events too - Wakeboarding fits his new persona which is somewhat more cool than we used to be
We have had a parenting plan drawn up which XH simply ignores. After 18 months of trying to engineer time together with their dad for them, i stepped back and acknowledged to myself that if he was not in the right brain space to arrange to be with them it was better not to force it. The boys live with me 100% of the time and XH lives 3 hours drive away.
I am not sure if it is the boys who need support in handling this new time together with their dad and OW, or me. My boundaries are rather non-existant as contact to date has been so minimal.
That sounds like a truly awful situation. I am so sorry that your WAH isn't being forthright about the finances or property. And, I feel absolutely horrible about the situation with your children. I am relatively new to this board, but I just wanted to throw some support your way and say that I am so glad that your kids have you to be a stable and loving parent. Stay strong for you and for them.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Thank you broke, It has been an awful situation and i think i have become a bit immune to the shock horror of it all - i have become accepeting, perhaps too accepting of very bizarre behaviour. Thinking i was doing wonderful empowering 180's that I am now questioning as enabling the bizarness.
There are some bright spots too though.
Somehow the boys and i are managing and day by day live a great life. It is these (new) drive by visits that have thrown me.
Some how i have found us a new wee home, we live simply but well - stress free (other than you know what), true, authentic, low budget lives which are generally satisfying. I found a full time job that i manage to do pretty much part time and which provides a car that i squash the boys bikes and wakeboards etc into. The boys and I go out, we holiday with friends and family, we have fun.
We are better than ok, but I think and want to do this better still. This is not a temporary phase, this is life as i know it for the forseable future.
It is very good to type these things and see them in black and white - the things that i now take for granted but which I am very proud of having achieved.
I have become empowered at setting boundaries with other people through this time, and that has been a big help in feeling like i am becoming the best me i can be. I think i can be better at setting helpful nonvindictive (i may have passive aggresive tendencies where XH is concerned) boundaries with XH.
Funny, it is only here i refer to XH as XH. OW is engaged to my H - how could that feel like a good thing?!
You should be so proud of yourself for accomplishing all of that. Good for you! Your boys are so blessed to have you.
And, I appreciate you sharing all of that. I have two boys and I have some fear about what the future will hold for us. My boys are lucky that their dad does want to spend time with them. But, the future can definitely be daunting. Keep up the great work - your boys will be so grateful for all you did!
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
One thing i found helpful for me in the earlier days Broke was reading parenting books. I was very anxious for their futures and focused on reading about parenting through separation, divorce, coparenting etc. I found co-parenting books made me angry because they did not reflect the situation i found us in, and i could not apply the strategies. But being the best parent i can be - that was something i could do. Normal parenting books - not co-parenting books worked well for me and my worries for the boys.
I still feel anxious at times about the boys futures and try not to focus on the statistics of boys from broken homes. If i focus on simply parenting as best as I can and focus on our wee home not being broken regardless of Xh antics, then i feel strong and as if things will work out as best possible.
Yay for boys
I do feel a bit responsible for trying to provide a strong enough example to change what i now think is a generational pattern in XH's family. I do not want them growing up to make these same sad decisions, destroying families and their own future joy.
Thank you for your message - i really should have started posting long ago
Hi there, KiwiGal - I was asked to stop by here by JellyB to see if I had any suggestions to your situation. I have a lot of experience with blended families and working with difficult situations, including co-parenting with mentally ill and abusive partners.
My initial thought about your boys is that they'll be fine. However inappropriate this is and however flaky their dad is, they are old enough to not be too impacted by this and they will find their voices in the relationship with him. I don't see any signs in what you wrote of him being a very destructive influence on them.
Remember, he is not the same person towards them as he is to you (albeit still acting flaky). They have a different dynamics. Very shortly, they will get to the age where friends are more important than parents. If I were you, I'd focus on having them around male role models who are reliable, trustworthy and accomplished.
Also, OW could potentially be a positive presence in their lives. I know that's hard to wrap your head around, but if she remains in H's life and is nice to your boys, she could be a champion for them in relation to their father. I don't think her presence - although they would prefer to be alone with their dad - is going to impact them negatively. The only clever thing you could do, is perhaps tell him that forcing her on them has the opposite effect of what he thinks - they dislike her more the less time alone they have with him.
It sounds like he comes from a family of origin where they sweep things very thoroughly under the rug. It's hard to fathom grandparents who stop having contact with their grandchildren. I'm so glad you have been able to create a good existence for you and your children. You should be very proud!
I hope the financial settlement will be over soon. Have you thought about filing a police report over the other missing items? Tell XH you have to in order to get an insurance claim?
Best wishes!
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Thank you Painter and JellyB for pointing you this way.
Deep down i too believe the boys will be fine - but on the dark days i question that with knowing that their dad seemed fine too...He has lied cheated and stolen from them as well from me and walked away from us all.
Good, in fact great point about the positive male role models. S14 is well surrounded, but i am floundering a bit for S12. This is a good tangible thing i can work on - i like goals
I really really struggle with the thought that OW could be a positive presence in their lives. Nice people dont have affairs with other peoples husbands in my experience. i will see if i can word my thoughts well enough to express your point about his forcing them on her when they would rather have time alone with him. That would at least help me feel i had tried my best in that regard.
How have some of the rest of you managed to get your heads around this bit?
I try not to think about the boys Grandparents - while my thoughts re XH are conflicted - love but not like , i am 100% sure how i feel about XIL's and choose just not to go there for my own mental health. It does leave me to think this is a no hope for reconciliation scenario - this is just who he is and who he has been brought up to be. To be fair reconciliation is not even a consideration at this point - just living the best life possible is my focus.
I did discuss with a lawyer filing a police report - but it was pointed out that i would probably get in trouble myself for being a nuisance since i know exactly where everything is. Perhaps i could just tell XH that i was going to and see what happened. I have a bit of an honesty issue since this all occurred - cant cope with lies or part truths and need things to be squeeky clean honest so I am not sure if i could manage that. Will leave it with the lawyer.
Poor poor lawyer who so dearly wants to file for divorce on my behalf
