Not sure where to stand

[Sparkls]

I was doing so good today. It's my day off from school. I woke up super early and it's a dreary rainy day so I went back to bed (first time I've been able to do that). Did some of my required reading and did a good job cleaning around the house (some things that *really* needed to be cleaned)

And then the cleaning backfired.
I guess a little more quick background on my sitch. My bf hasn't been the perfect citizen so to speak. When he was 19, he gave some pot to a 15 year old girl. Long story short is he ended up with a criminal record. I met him a few years after but due to a stubborn streak, he was still dealing with the judicial system. Through the first 4 years of our relationship, we had to endure him going to prison for 8 months and then again for another 3 months after violating his parole. (His PO really hated him and was constantly looking for reasons to violate him. Even told me at one point that I should dump him and go far away. Really professional)
Anyway, during those times, we wrote each other *a lot*. And my cleaning backfired because I just found a bunch of those letters.

We were *so* in love. And it wasn't the new puppy love. We had been together, living together for years at this point. His letters are full of hope for the future and love for me.

And I spent about half an hour reading them, torturing myself, crying. The last real conversation I had with him was him telling me he never loved me. That he never wanted any of this. That it was all a lie, he was faking it because he felt some sort of perverse loyalty to me because I stayed with him while he was in prison. And reading these letters, that's just so not true. I can feel how badly his heart was hurting at not getting to see me, talk to me, touch me. Where did that go? How did we get from there to here? And how can he have forgotten? I know the DB rules to not pursue, not try to remind him about about the relationship etc. But I want so badly for him to read this and remember. We're still those people, older and a bit worse for wear. But we're still them.
I know my situation is a bit different than everyone else's since we weren't actually married. We were just waiting for my mom's house to sell to buy rings. We both considered ourselves married. He always said lets call a spade a spade, you're my wife. And that makes it almost seem harder because there isn't legal paperwork he has to do to slow him down or make him second guess what he's throwing away. I'm trying so hard to have some faith that he'll remember and I"m doing all the other recommendations about getting myself figured out and healthy and happy again. But I guess I just don't know how to believe in happy endings when the love that was written in that letter can be so easily tossed away.

Sorry for the overly dramatic posting. You should see my journal. It's a hot mess.