let me remind you of Sandis posts to you a thread back or so on temp checking.
I would leave it alone for a couple of days at least.
Wait see what shakes.
Let it lie.
Perhaps even stick to the original plan of the car and certainly not be the first to suggest meeting up. If she does then say you will examine your schedule.
Detach, no expectations and cool.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Actually, she already proposed meeting but she wanted to come to the house and I said no.
I realize this could be a temp check... I'll wait a bit longer to contact her but I have to today to see what she wants to do about those docs. Maybe I won't mention meeting up and see if she proposes it. I could phrase it as "...do you want to leave them in my car tomorrow" or something. That leaves it a bit open ended.
I do not have any expectations and think I am detached as ever but time will tell. Thanks!
I ended up just saying that I hope the last few days have been better and if she was going to leave the tax forms in my car tomorrow. She replied that she might not be at work tomorrow so next would be better.
So that is fine. These are just my feelings talking...I know DB'ing is counter intuitive and this could just be a temp check, but man is it hard not to double guess some of the actions sometimes. I am OK with everything that happened. She opened up a bit, she called me. I just feel like I need a bit of a change of strategy soon. I do not think that going back to strict no contact is the right thing here. We will have to meet soon I think. She suggested meeting, and I said no. She is expressing a need to communicate to 'figure things out'.... I don't take that to be positive, but I think she is right in a way. She also said that she hates that I deal with things this way. I am not sure if this really an issue (I didn't think it was) or if she was just frustrated. If it was an issue in our relationship, I don't want to keep doing more of the same. If her therapist really suggested no contact, then that kind of explains a lot. The no contact for that long was not like her.
Anyway, I'll let it be for a few days I guess. Any thoughts on a next move? This might be the best time for a coach.
So here is my take on no contact. It is not to make it look like you don't want to talk to them because you are so hurt. This may be the case and help you heal but not supposed to come across to them that way. It is that you are so tied up living your life and giving them what they want that you are just out of the way. Interactions are fine if they are initiated by them. Stick to your rules. Make it brief. Deal with what needs to be dealt with. Be upbeat and handle it then on your way. You don't need to reach out for things unless there is an actual need. Not one just for an excuse for contact.
Now if you plan on being friends after this is all done then by all means do what you have to do but this is my take.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Thanks otw... there is no friendship after this that is for sure. But I don't want to kill things either ya know. I am at a tricky point here looks like.
She is looking at this (believe nothing of what they say right?) like I am sticking it to her. But maybe it is looking like I am just real busy... here is part of what she said in that message...
"...I feel like you love having the upper hand, which i've been fine with lately but we need to start communicating. I don't know if its because you're with someone or just hate me but it doesn't matter. You have to be able to talk to me so we can figure things out. I'm tired of one word answers that come 6 hours or a day later..."
They usually aren't one word answers, but they are brief but always positive.
So I guess I'll just wait for the next opportunity and be a little more forth coming then.
thoughts on a next move? This might be the best time for a coach.
Hi Pinn,
It is often tricky when you are trying to figure out the best strategy. Sometimes going no contact is good, but then it may not be what is best. How do you know?
You are smart to recognize that this is the best time for a coach.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
In a bit of a mini spin cycle after last weekends text and call. No problem from the call... I think that went fine. The text message is a different story, probably because it is still on my phone. I usually delete them shortly after. I have one vent and one question... first the vent.
She started the longest text I think I have ever gotten from here with this...
"I want you to know you're a great husband. The best guy out there and it breaks my heart all the time that we aren't able to have a good physical relationship. I'm sorry for everything and wish we had both tried to fix things...."
My problem is, I heard this exact thing already, on BD day, 8 months ago. Why text me this? I didn't do anything to draw this out, she just started with that. It annoys me a bit. I ignored this stuff in our text exchange but when I read it I felt defeated to be honest.
Now the question:
During this same text exchange (which I think went fairly well actually), she said 3 or 4 times that we need to communicate. Communicate about what? Is this her way of saying things need to start moving toward D? I don't know. But how do I respond when she says that we need to be able to communicate.
In a bit of a mini spin cycle after last weekends text and call. No problem from the call... I think that went fine. The text message is a different story, probably because it is still on my phone. I usually delete them shortly after. I have one vent and one question... first the vent.
She started the longest text I think I have ever gotten from here with this...
"I want you to know you're a great husband. The best guy out there and it breaks my heart all the time that we aren't able to have a good physical relationship. I'm sorry for everything and wish we had both tried to fix things...."
My problem is, I heard this exact thing already, on BD day, 8 months ago. Why text me this? I didn't do anything to draw this out, she just started with that. It annoys[spoiler][/spoiler] me a bit. I ignored this stuff in our text exchange but when I read it I felt defeated to be honest.
Now the question:
During this same text exchange (which I think went fairly well actually), she said 3 or 4 times that we need to communicate. Communicate about what? Is this her way of saying things need to start moving toward D? I don't know. But how do I respond when she says that we need to be able to communicate.
Validate, validate, validate. Briefly and neutrally, respond with only 80% of her text or less.
Wonka is your best girl on this, I think PigPen got some help on his texts from Wonka. I will see if I can track it down. Rather than respond immediately. Test your response here on the board. No mind reading and no expectations (not even bad ones).
WW I am hearing you that we need to communicate and I have been working on myself to improve how I interact with others and I believe this is much improved. You say that you are saddened our physical interactions weren't good and that we could have worked to fix that and I am disappointed that is your view although I acknowledge you feel and think of it in that way.
Hope this helps, I am sure there are other ways to say this.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
There is nothing to respond right now, this interaction was from the weekend, a few pages back I think and you can see how I responded. Her text was pretty massive. I was wondering how to deal with it when she says we need to communicate, she harped on it a few times. Your post helps with that! Otherwise, I typically do try and post here first and get advice.
