Still NC - Let's do the limbo pt2

[Thornton]

Whoa.. Two DB legends on my thread in the same day. Things are looking up!

All kidding aside.. I understand, Wonka.

I've been working with IC on that stuff.

Wanna hear something crazy that I realized in IC last night?

Since I was 16 years old, the longest stretch of time I've been single is 3 months. 3 MONTHS!!!

No wonder I don't feel comfortable in my own skin.

We talked about getting me to a place where I am totally cool with being in or out of a relationship and how that would make me a much better partner.

I'm not much of an extrovert so of course this scares me. I dont want to grow old to be grumpy and lonely and chasing kids off my lawn with my cane. It goes against the grain for me but alas, I surrender. My way doesn't work.

I'm going to do what I have to do no matter how uncomfortable it makes me. No matter how much I b!tch and moan. I give up.

I'm throwing my gun down. I surrender...

[Sparkls]

I think one of the important things it to think about all the ways that you *aren't* defined by your relationship. As I"m reading through all these comments, that's what I'm starting to realize. Maybe my realization can help you somehow.
I'm not defined by my relationship. To quote a famous movie: I didn't change how I liked my eggs to make this relationship work. That's why it lasted. We were our own people, doing our own thing but we had chosen to do it together. That's why this hurts so much. I chose him. Every day. I chose to accept his flaws because my life was made richer by his presence. But it was made solely by that. And neither is yours. You are more than her husband. You're a dad to your kids. You have a career. You have your own likes and dislikes that make you uniquely you. And she cant take that with her, no matter how sh*tty she is trying to make you feel.

And on a side note: my WH is in Louisville/Boulder right now "finding himself and getting perspective" or what the f* ever. So if you see a man child 32 year old who has no clue what he's doing with his life, feel free to slap him for me.

[Sparkls]

But it wasn't*** made solely by it

[Thornton]

Sparks,

Thanks for this. I work right up the street from Louisville. If I see him, I'll help him "find" himself with a 2x4.

I gotcha covered.

[Sparkls]

With friends like that, who needs significant others! :-P

[Mach1]

I wish I knew, Mach.

I'm tired of it though. I want to change. I wanted to change last time too. I thought I was taking the right steps but apparently I failed.

No, you didn't "fail"...

What you did do, however...

Is that you let your hope override your sense of self. You yearned so badly to define yourself by what is on your ring finger, that you CHOSE to fall back into the Co-Dependent behaviors of your past.

You stopped working on, and fostering yourself, and basically sold yourself for the sake of the relationship...

So no, you didn't fail, you just stopped. So dust off Cowboy, and get back on your own horse...

Everything DB teaches makes perfect sense to me, logically. When I think about it, it's a no brainer.

No Brainer ? Well then you have the right person for the job then huh ?

Just kidding buddy

Logically, it doesn't make sense why I let her or our R define me. I thought I was loving her. I always thought of myself as a provider. Someone to protect the family. The family guy. Provide a good example for the kids. Teach them right from wrong. Bolster their self esteem. Put my family before myself. That was the definition of Thornton.

And it all comes so naturally for me that I don't realize that I'm abandoning myself. Who's taking care of Thorn? Certainly not me. I'm too busy taking care of everyone else.

But there's a pride in doing that stuff, Mach. I feel good about myself when I know I'm taking care of Waw and the kids.

Clearly, somethings not working.

Remember all of the posting with Spartan, about obligation vs. love ??

All of those questions he was asking you ??

Men, by nature, are providers and fixers. Not unlike what you describe, and I could find 50 guys posting here that would/could say the same things.

So while we guys are providing, and fixing. We tend to forget about providing the thing that most matters to our better halves....the emotional nurturing....

AND....we often forget about the person that matters most....ourselves....

So I would say....that what isn't working, is you focusing on you.

Not her, not the relationship....

You...

[Mach1]

Thor,

But there's a pride in doing that stuff, Mach. I feel good about myself when I know I'm taking care of Waw and the kids.

This is what a lot of married men do when they enter a committed relationship that harkens back to the 'cave man' times. The hard-wired DNA need to provide for and protect your flock.

Your self worth isn't tied to your progeny or how well you provide for W. Can you feel good taking care of yourself by yourself? I think this is what Mach is essentially driving at here, my friend.

Exactly....

We cross posted on that one

[Thornton]

Yep, I know you and Wonka are right.

I don't know why I do this to myself. Like I said, it makes sense to me. But I get comfortable and resort to old familiar patterns.

It feels like it happens subconciously. I don't sit and think, "hey I think I'll start falling back on codependent patterns today".

I slowly fall back into those patterns and by the time I realize it, Im getting a ILYBINILWY speech.

I do need to get comfortable on my own. I'm going to start thinking of some of my goals and will have some updates soon.

[Thornton]

Oh, and Mach...

The no brainer crack... touche

[broke]

I need to break out of the codependency pattern, too. The difference is I let myself get here - I didn't start this way. I was a very independent, strong, successful professional when I married my H. But, I was only 23 when I got married, so I basically moved from my parents to college to being married. I need to get comfortable on my own, too!

I think it happened subconsciously for me as well - I was the caring, nurturer that took care of everyone. After reading your posts and the responses, I wonder if I took some of that away from my H - he travelled so much, I basically was a single parent and I took on everything that needed to be done except his job. That was really his only responsibility.