How to invalidate your other half and destroy any chance of an R in one post.
The antithesis of Wonka's validation cheat sheet Originally posted by V in September 2015.
“When we invalidate people or deny their perceptions and personal experiences, we make mental invalids of them. When one’s feelings are denied a person can be made to feel crazy even when they are perfectly mentally healthy.” RD Laing
What is invalidation?
Invalidation is so insidious that we may not even know it’s happening. We know that something doesn’t feel right, but we can’t put our finger on it and it destroys connection.
People invalidate others for a variety of reasons, sometimes purposefully and sometimes not. An abuser will use invalidation as a tool of manipulation and a weapon. Others may be short on empathy. Some may feel uncomfortable with your pain, or feel powerless to do anything to help you.
The bottom line is this: When you’re invalidated, you are not having your emotional needs met.
Non-verbal invalidation includes things like leaving the room, giving the silent treatment, and rolling the eyes (this indicates contempt, and it’s actually predictive of a bad outcome in any relationship). ---------------------------------------------------
Setting the scene by validating first to create connection Our feelings help us identify our unmet emotional needs. If you don’t feel understood, it means you have an unmet need to feel understood. If you feel neglected or ignored, it means you don’t feel you’re getting enough attention. If you feel taken for granted, it means you aren’t feeling appreciated.
These are some of our fundamental emotional needs:
To be acknowledged. To be accepted. To be listened to. To be understood. To be loved. To be appreciated. To be respected. To be safe. To be valued. To be worthy. To be trusted. To feel capable and competent. To feel clear (instead of confused). To be supported.
At first abusers validate us, they demonstrated that they cared and that our feelings mattered to them. It seemed to show that we mattered to them. By “mirroring” our feelings, they showed us they were in tune with us. That made us feel connected to them. That’s how they got us to bond with them.
------------------------------------------- Next invalidate When we experience invalidation, we defend ourselves either through withdrawal or counter-attack.
“Repeated withdrawal, though, tends to decrease our self-confidence and lead to a sense of powerlessness and depression. On the other hand, going on the offensive often escalates the conflict. A healthier response, one which is both informative and assertive, without being aggressive, is to simply express your feelings clearly and concisely. For example, you might respond, “I feel invalidated,” “I feel mocked,” or “I feel judged.” ~ Steve Hein, MSW: Invalidation ----------------------------------
Say this to destroy your R
Really want to destroy your R? Try these phrases.............
The following are all invalidating statements that either minimise feelings, deny perceptions, order others to feel differently, tell you how to feel, or lay a guilt trip for thinking or feeling anything:
I thought we already talked about that. I can’t believe you’re going to bring that up again. I refuse to have this discussion. You should be ashamed of yourself for feeling that way. You need to realize how lucky you are. It could be worse. You shouldn’t feel that way. Think about those who have it worse. Just don’t worry about it. Get over it. Stop taking everything so personally. Get a life. (thanks I will) Lighten up.Cheer up. It was only a joke Don’t look so serious. You’ve got it all wrong. Of course I respect you. But I do listen to you. That is ridiculous. This is nonsense. That’s not the way things are. That’s not how things are. I honestly don’t judge you as much as you think. You are the only one who feels that way. Everyone agrees with me It doesn’t bother anyone else, why should it bother you? You must be kidding. It can’t be that bad. Your life can’t be that bad. You’re just tired or unwell It’s nothing to get upset over. It’s not worth getting that upset over. You should feel thankful that ________. You should be glad that ________. Just drop it. Suck it up You should just forget about it. I’m sure she didn’t mean that. Maybe he was just having a bad day. You shouldn’t let it bother you. I’m sure she means well. Don’t make that face! You don’t really mean that. Do you think the world was created to serve you? Don’t you ever think of anyone but yourself? You are......selfish/mean/the most xxxx in the world What about my feelings? Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings for even a moment? Time heals all wounds. Every cloud has a silver lining. Life is full of pain and pleasure. In time you will understand this. You can choose to be happy. You are just going through a phase. Everything has its reasons. Everything is just the way it is supposed to be. This is really getting old. This is getting to be pathetic. I am sick and tired of hearing it. You should be over that by now. It’s not such a big deal. That’s what you’re so excited about? Is that all? You think too much. Don’t let it get to you. That’s nothing to be afraid of. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself. You’ve been upset about this for too long; it’s time to move on. Just don’t think about it. You need to get past that. You need to get on with your life. You’re _______ (jealous, insecure, crazy, unstable, a worry wart, overly dramatic, a complainer, or too sensitive) You’re making a big deal out of nothing. You’re imagining things, it's in your head
I am sure there are plenty more
This post my abuse diary. For the way to build your R see Wonkas Validation cheat sheet.
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I also think a main point of my original post has been missed.
Stating your feelings isn't condescending of you.
I feel like your mother is a statement of her feelings and she is entitled to them. Validate them.
On the contrary telling her she is condescending is invalidating.
So if she says to you- You are a baby etc, that is condescending. And labelling.... of you.
If you say I feel condescended to when you say that thats different to you are condescending.
Both of you are entitled to your feelings stating them is not condescending.
Can you not hear this as destructive:
She would get a lot more understanding and validation from me if she would just drop the patronizing attitude.
Can you not see this is condescending, labelling and blaming?
It is invalidating your W's feelings!
To me when you point a finger four point back.
In my book you are not being patronised when someone is honestly trying to tell you their feelings.
I mean, should I really just allow her to speak to me this way all of the time? I don't think that's healthy either.
I completely disagree, get Validating and accepting her feelings.
I am glad you are using the resources, That is amazing.
A better understanding of validating and good boundary enforcement is vital.
Please cease invalidating other peoples feelings or your own.
If you say V I feel condescended to then I would say to you 'please tell me what W does that triggers that in you'.
And then you say'she says she feels like my mother'
And I then say 'I can see that you feel condescended to, have you considered that W is entitled to her feelings and that they are valid to her? Can you see it is a wonderful trusting thing that she is trusting you to hold her feelings? That to do so is a gift? Can you see that is the opposite of condescending and is in fact a tremendous symbol of trust?'
If I say it like that will that make a difference to you?
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
