I Think it's Way Too Late

[TimR]

How are you making out 1313?

[1313]

Why are you not reaching out to friends? It sounds like you are predicting a bleak future but you're not doing much to prevent it from happening. Don't be a victim.

Why can't you take the class you need to take? Does nobody in the city teach it except Wks mentor?

Hi Painter, here's my predicament. I've reached out to friends. Unfortunately, my very best 2 buddies from HS (still in state or alive) are in opposite directions about 90 minutes+ away. One of the things I did was move to my W's hometown, which has separated me in more ways than one. For the moment I'm physically stuck here until I can find somebody to be a caretaker for my Mother. Leaving for over an hour is right out.

Her downhill slide has been very rapid. I could have gotten together with a friend on Monday otherwise. My other buddy is having problems coping right now with all of this and doesn't know how to react. He considered the W a good friend and also feels betrayed. So he's sort of pulled back, while he's supportive (via email) he's more of a sounding board and nothing more.

Sadly, I've lost some good friends in the past 2 years. It's these losses that helped push the W into her MLC I believe. One of them in particular would be of great help right now. I really miss him.

When I moved my Mom here, I also separated her from her town and now we're both here alone. She was really alone before, but she didn't feel that way. Now her best friend is the MIL. All the friends I made here were the W's friends, clients, coworkers and acquaintances. One couple I thought were friends seem to have been enablers for the A. One problem with making friends with her clients - half of them move away!

Unfortunately the W talked to pretty much everyone while I was still reeling from what happened. They're all sympathizing with her, she's the one who needs to stay strong and move forward. They think she's taking the high road. None of them have any idea. The only people who really wanted to know what happened were the IL's. She talked to them first - but they didn't believe her (sort of telling, no?) and the MIL had pretty much guessed the real reason.

As far as the Real Estate Classes, I stopped looking at the emails except for the one to do with the coach just to verify that indeed, she was starting to help with the classes again. And no, there's nobody like this RE coach/mentor in all of CA. She travels all over the US and is very well known. So now with the W helping out with the classes (we used to do this a lot until the falling out), she'll be getting close to the few people I know outside of the W's circle.

I do literally have a bank box full of lessons from these classes. As I mentioned we used to help her with classes so I attended many - and was even a videographer for her for a while. So I know the dialog and methods. It's just that the classes stay current with current trends, and it's all practice - just like language.

It's possible that since I had requested being able to go to these classes when I filled out the support declarations, that the court could order something - but I know they wouldn't tell her she can't go. Bottom line - I'm stuck in a town where the W's family has been since 1920. She's well known, is very active in the community and is making herself more active. My properties are here (unless the court decides with her), I've invested heavily in this town. Unless I can get out of here - I've got to deal with her. A lot.

[1313]

The Lawyer day:
Yesterday my Mother's L called. He's been trying to figure out how to handle her will, as we want my W pulled off. Unfortunately, Mom has the original documents. Literally the day I was moving in, Mom was waving around what looked to be the original document, saying she wanted the W off. I said please, put that back in your file, I'll look at it but I really can't right now.

I should have taken it right then and there. I believe she threw it away, like so many other things. Yes, I search the garbage daily - but she sneaks. The L is aware of 2 wills, one goes to me and in case of my demise, her sister. The newer one in case of my demise goes to the W. And, there's nothing my Mom could do about it.

Thing is, we don't know the whereabouts of the new one for sure. We don't know if she got it notarized. We don't know if it's in somebody's office. Nor do we know the whereabouts of the original one. The L only has copies of copies, and they're incomplete. Mom never returned either. We've verified she has no safe deposit box. We think. The rough draft - which I did find has "safe deposit" scribbled on it.

A new will cannot be drafted, because Alzheimer's. The L has talked to Mom, unfortunately. He's even talked about the possibility of drafting a new one, but thinks she's just not together enough.

So for the next couple of days I have to try to find these documents.

In addition, I've got a lot of stuff to pull together for my L because our court date is in 2-1/2 weeks.

Funny that the W is going off with the OM in 2-1/2 weeks, and meeting up with the RE coach in AZ. It would be interesting to see how the W handles introducing the guy to the coach, who's a devout Mormon and pretty sharp. I'm guessing she'll save him for another time.

[1313]

Painter, Tim - thanks for the thoughts.
I'm going to go take a nap - I didn't sleep at all last night, and now I can't stay awake after 2 cups of coffee. I got my Mom back to bed as she's pretty groggy. The fall caught up with her, and she's sore all over.

Yes, I've read DR - cover to cover the first day, and parts again. I need to re-read as I was in a pretty heavy fog the first few weeks. I still am, it's just a different fog.

I'll check back in later. As I said, I think I've seen the last of the contact between myself and the W and her assistant. It's just me and the lawyers now.

[TimR]

For you mom, talk to L about a guardianship. In my state that could give you (the guardian) the power to void the will. Not a hard stretch that MIL does not want anything going to XDIL. Your L should have some ideas.

I sympathize regarding friends, that just makes the loneliness that much greater. However if your friends are willing to judge you without your side of the story, they are not true friends. I don't know how large your town is but there has to be some kind of social activities you could get involved in and make new friends. You said about art that certainly could be a way to make new friends. I understand it is hard not to try and win friends over but I think that would hurt your sitch.

Hang in there my friend, each day with get a little stronger.

[1313]

Hi Tim,
thanks for the kind words.
I'll see what I can get done the next time I talk with the Lawyer. It might be that we need to see him in person so he can deem her competence. She does better in person than on the phone - for some reason that easily confuses her.

And no, the friends really aren't true friends. At least at this point. I'm most disappointed with the ones that seemed to facilitate the A, as the W often met the OM at their winery. Perhaps they thought it was innocent, and she's pulled the wool over their eyes but I doubt it.

Yeah, I've got to just start in some activities - find ones the W isn't at all connected with. Those seem to keep coming back to bite me.

[1313]

Update: I granted access to myself again today and changed one of the locks on my house. Now I can come and go as I please. It's a door that is never used, so I sincerely doubt it will be discovered as it will only be locked and unlocked from inside.

I grabbed a few of my DVD's (presents), a childhood book to make me feel better, and a book that relates to one of the artists I'll be doing an homage to with my art piece. I grabbed my pencil sharpener, some rulers, and a lamp I bought the first time she moved out. Oh, and a dutch oven that was also a present. None of these things will be noticed - save the pencil sharpener. I've had that since before we met, and she'll probably think it was taken when I was at the house with the assistant.

I'm still pretty mad about them messing me over with that whole email thing - or really I'll blame the assistant.

[Painter]

Hi Tim,
thanks for the kind words.
I'll see what I can get done the next time I talk with the Lawyer. It might be that we need to see him in person so he can deem her competence. She does better in person than on the phone - for some reason that easily confuses her.

And no, the friends really aren't true friends. At least at this point. I'm most disappointed with the ones that seemed to facilitate the A, as the W often met the OM at their winery. Perhaps they thought it was innocent, and she's pulled the wool over their eyes but I doubt it.

Yeah, I've got to just start in some activities - find ones the W isn't at all connected with. Those seem to keep coming back to bite me.

I don't think it's solely up to the L to say whether your mother is competent to make a new will. The L can of course say he's not comfortable doing it, but a doctor is the one who could really say.

Does your mother have times of day where she's more with it? Maybe try to make an appointment at her home at a good time of day for her? She should at least be able to state clearly if she wants W out of her will entirely.

How far away did you and your mother live? Maybe it would benefit her to be back in familiar surroundings?

This kind of situation does show you what people are really like. And it's definitely a disadvantage to be the visiting team.

[1313]

Hi Painter,
I've thought about the timing thing with my Mother. Like I said, she doesn't do well over the phone - but much better in person. If I can't find any of the originals the L is looking for, then I'll need to get her neurologist involved.

My biggest problem is we can't get a proper diagnosis on Mom as they can't do an MRI on her because of her pacemaker. So, they're going on all the other information they can get and that's what her meds are based on. Right now it's "dementia" which doesn't say much at all. But based on her behavior and the rapid onset I think we have a good idea.

Unfortunately, her home is being leased to pay for where we live right now - we just renewed it in Sept. Breaking a lease in CA is an expensive and lengthy proposition at best. Plus - her attachment to the home is mostly sentimental. She only knew one person there - and that person is literally schizophrenic and had been gone for several months in lockdown when we moved Mom. Her original home town is much closer to where we are now, but everyone she knew has passed on. We're pretty much alone here. I think she feels like home really is wherever I am though. And, the MIL has been a very good friend to her, I don't see that changing. But what do I know?

I've been here for a little over 10 years so I've done a lot of this to myself. I never imagined not being with the W, so everyone was a mutual friend. I suppose as time passes I really will find out who my friends are as this all plays out.

The finalization of the D will tell us where we'll go. If the W winds up getting half the properties from the trust (the L's say no - but I know there's other factors in play) then I'll push for liquidation in spite of the tax hit. I could change my mind, but I don't see wanting anything that's going to form a "partnership" with the W moving forward.

[TimR]

Hey 1313 how are you making out today?