I have told him before and his answer is you are my wife! I need to be able to reach you! Keep your phone on at all times. What if I get hurt at work and they need you?!( he told me this while separated.)
It may be hard but tell him tough SH. t. When he chose to step out and separate what did he think it meant? He could go do as he pleases and have you be there to take care of him? It is his way of keeping you under control.
Like most others here you were fired from the W job. It is not your responsibility to take care of him if he gets hurt or needs you. He chose to walk away.
It is not easy, you need to get your boundaries in order and enforce them. He will test and push them like a mad man to see if you are bluffing. Don't back down from them.
You have come a long way. Keep going!
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Hey guys! GOT A TATTOO..I was a tad bit emotional and got a semi divorce tattoo. It is an arrow. Very girly and pretty on my side of foot. First tattoo.
An arrow has to be pulled back to be shot forward..so while life is pulling me back i kbow the best yet to come.
Regardless if we stay together..get a divorce..I know I will ALWAYS be okay and the best has yet to come.
I LOVE IT - hey, at least you don't have an "us" tattoo like my H and I. We have GPS coordinates and I look at it every day and wonder why, but I also look at it and smile too. It's weird. I've been drinking LOL. Anways, I love the arrow and on the foot! For a first tattoo...yeowch.
You will always be okay, and the best IS yet to come. Don't ever stop believing that. Look at where you are!
Do what you are comfortable with - slowly backing away is fine, there is no advantage to confronting. Just act instead of saying anything, there is no point in making declarations, it will only cause fights.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Roar! It didn't hurt! Like some places did but I mostly talked and laugh the whole time.
Either I'm so used to hurting right now that it didn't or I'm a bad A who takes pain well.
The guy told me the foot hurt the worst and I might pass out or cry. 30 min tattoo and I was okay.
The best is yet to come.
Talked to H's highschool ex. We are friends..we were mutual friends in school. I asked her how they broke up before I dated him..same thing he did to me. She said it was a weirs question and if I wanted to know she would fully tell me but it might hurt.
He dated her..came back with an i have never loved you..and the first 2-3 months where we(me and h) werent serious he kept her on back burner while he had me full time and would give her just enough hope he might leave and never did. He would call her up and make her think he would leave and didnt. I know once when we first started dating that he had a 1am call from her and he said she was pyscho and I believed him.. I was 17 and knew she was alittle pyscho. I heard some voicemails from her and let it go.
She said she never hated me..that is the type of person he is. He broke her heart. Made her feel worthless. Made her question and second guess herself. She said it took her a long time to realize it was never her it was him. He was super controlling and had to have it his way or the high way. She had to change so much to make him happy.
We mostly talk about weightloss..or random easy things. Took a long time before I would talk to her. Did not tell her my sitch but it kind of confirmed this is who he is.
She said he didn't even want her back until she said F this and walked away for good. She gave up moving out to her dream college for him. She gave up her friends..gave up everything to have him throw it away for me.
I said I was sorry. I never knew he was doing that to her while we first dated.. I feel like that is how it is with me. He is using me and making me his plan B and making me want to say around as a game and nothing else.
She said it was soo long ago and ahe is engaged and getting married. Asked why I wanted to know. I said I have always wondered and he never told me. Figured since we are decent enough with eachother now I could ask.
Feeling..detached. Empty. Like this is who he is..who he will be..and I need to 100% give up and move on.
Maybe I'm just emotional but I think of him and just feel pain now. Nothing good anymore.
I will do that..try to keep acting vs talking or telling him.
Next time I think I will make it easier. H..d5 homework is on the table, she knows where the pencils are, make anything for dinner, I'll be home by 3 tomorrow, car seats and back pack by the door. She can wear any shoes. S3 can wear anything. I'll see you tomorrow. No need to call. Ask questions when I leave. Nothing.
He has not called or texted since I left. I did a 1:45am drive by of my house like a pyscho on the way to my moms..no one home but him.
Slight relief but also.. I know I need to not snoop or creep on my own home.
I agree with painter - actions speak louder than words. No need to give him any "heads up" about what you are going to do because that will just cause arguments before and after you do it. Also, snooping is hard to give up (I was still doing it after I found out about A, too), but it doesn't help you detach and, really, what is the point? You know he is a cheater and a liar already.
Would it help you to make a list of all of those things you listed and just leave it on table with homework and supplies when he has the kids? It may help you have less uncomfortable interactions that may lead to confrontations that you would like to avoid. When I was very angry at my H, the more I could write down and the more "routine" things were, the less we had to talk. That led to less fighting especially in front of the kids.
You seem to be doing better! I am so glad. I am thinking about getting a tattoo, also. Love the idea of the arrow, but I do not like pain so maybe not my foot :-)
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Hi Red. Sorry to hear things turned this way. Everyone is giving you some good advice. For my part I'd say three things:
Work harder on detaching. Harder than you have before. Your H is not someone lovable at all right now. Use that to help you move forward. And don't stalk. It will only make it hurt worse. Trust me, I know this personally.
Follow V's advice on protecting yourself and your kids. Everything you do is to that end at this time.
Put firm boundaries in place, even when it hurts. It was never easy for me, and W gave a lot of fire back in response. However, it needed to be done, and I always felt much more secure after all was said and done.
You've got this.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
Say nothing. Ignore him. That's how you back away slowly. Act as if what he does doesn't matter. He's not done with you yet, Red. Don't lie. Except don't tell him you knew he was behind you. And if he says so, say, "Oh, really? I didn't notice."
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
