You both raise some interesting points. Kind of fascinating that your XH's are so sensitive about the verbiage. If Mr. Wonderful felt that way, he never told me about that. And honestly, I never paid attention to it.
I guess try and validate to the extent you feel you can and let them be? I am not advocating that either one of you go to bat for their dad. After all... it was THEIR decision to put this ball in motion, and honestly, this is a consequence for that decision.
And if your daughters are like my now D22, they will be the one to set the record straight. When D22 was about 13 or so, she was playing club volleyball (time consuming) and balancing school work with her friends. It was about this time that SHE asked her dad to change the schedule so that she could do it all. Instead of spending the night 2x/week during the week with him, she asked him if she could just come to dinner on those nights. He agreed, and it wasn't too long after this that she asked to scale back to every other weekend.
She did this in front of me, and I had no idea this conversation was going to take place. He pouted and exclaimed, "but my house is your home too!" My ever pragmatic daughter said calmly, "No, Dad. Your house is where I stay when I'm not at home. My home is here, in the neighborhood where my friends are, where I go to school, and where Mom lives."
There was nothing I could say, but I knew her words cut him deeply - they were the truth and not intended to hurt, and there was no way I was going to intervene or defend him or apologize. But afterward, I called him on my cell. Don't know if I ever mentioned to you guys down here, but if Mr. Wonderful lived in his car, we'd still be married. We've always been able to talk when he's in his car (on the bluetooth, of course). It's free of distraction and 99.5% of the time, I get his emotional truth.
He picked up right away and I said, "I'm sad for you. That had to hurt." He got quiet and said, "It did. It was probably the hardest thing I've had to hear since I started this whole thing. I bet you want to tell me I told you so?" I said, "No. It doesn't bring me joy to watch people suffer." I remember him saying, "Hmmm. I think this is one of those horrible consequences you tried to warn me about. Wasn't it?" I said, "Yes. I could see this coming a mile away. You moved 15 miles from us and I knew what I'd be feeling as a girl her age. But it might surprise you that she's never talked to me about this. Ever. It came as a surprise to me too, at least on the timing."
It was a game changer for us as a family. And what I've never told him is that there were many times after this that I told her she needed to make an effort to spend more time with her dad. She'd fight me on it, and then I'd tell her, "I need a break from you. So go."
Home is where the heart is. And right, wrong or indifferent, their actions drew the line in the sand for our children. It's not up to us to make them feel better about it or force the kids to do their bidding. This is a natural consequence.
I'd probably tell my XH if this came up, "Well, home is home to me. And since I have primary physical custody of them, it's home for them too. Pick your battles, because they're going to grow up pretty quickly, and you might not want this conversation to be one they remember down the road."
You're both totally good on this front.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
