surrealism is not my style

[ciluzen]

So, I was feeling so "detached"...actually feeling good about letting H go for awhile there. Then this weekend...so much positive contact. I still felt ok about being alone, but there was that hopefulness creeping in...

Then my mother had called to say she made a comment in his bday card about hoping he finds what he's looking for in the year ahead...he hadn't received it yet. She was just so proud of herself for writing that. I lost it. I explained that I was trying so hard not to push him by commenting on R or judging anything and here she was doing just that. "Stop trying to fix this. Its not your job and he will feel pushed". I made her feel bad and got myself all upset and emotional and then realized how really not detached I still was. That made me even more upset.

And that was when H called.

The thing that H said that most stands out to me is the comment about how I must be having such a hard time with this because I'm still in the house. It replays over and over in my head. Why? Because it discounts my feelings for him. Its part of his idea that I don't like him and had "left the marriage" a long time ago. If I get out of the house, the only thing that ties us together other than our kids, then I'll realize how I am just stubbornly holding on to a false feeling of love for him.

I know that nothing I say can change this idea. He has convinced him of it over a long time. I can only try to stay away from R and continue to show him kindness. But he seems pretty entrenched.

My Divorce Care meeting last night brought me down even more. I was the only separated person; everyone else had been D for 2-11 years. They were still dealing with it, even though some had gone on to new R or even M. Some were the ones who left and were still having regrets, even though there were horrible, unsafe situations. I will still go for the info and support, but it almost left me hopeless for my own future happiness.