Wanted to throw this part in that I think I do a lot better than I appear to you guys. Here is where I get to vent every thought I have that I don't wish to share with family or friends. Needless to say, I am so thankful to be able to share these thoughts and seek guidance and inspiration from well-meaning, smart people that are/have lived it and understand exactly what's going on.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
Zues, thank you for that. That was really good and clear. I will take your advice and use this as a reference for any and all interactions with H. Though I shudder to think of treating my H this way, this is the reality right now and what I have to do. Thank you a gain Zues for the kick in the pants.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
Zues, thank you for that. That was really good and clear. I will take your advice and use this as a reference for any and all interactions with H. Though I shudder to think of treating my H this way, this is the reality right now and what I have to do. Thank you a gain Zues for the kick in the pants.
Sweetheart
this is a guide for all interactions with all adults.
It is the most loving thing you can do to let another have their free will/
Why would you shudder at that loving way of handling others?
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
But I'm sure not pursuing anything with her, nor do I really care what she thinks about me. She doesn't occupy any space in my head, and I'm sure this is the most I've thought about her in a year.
Thanks Vanilla. I say shudder b/c of what you mention above. It seems so cold to treat someone that I shared my life with life that. Even though he didn't hesitate to treat me coldly. I know I was very controlling in my M and this is something I've been working on since the beginning. And when I say "right now," I guess that's me still hanging on to my hope that I won't have to be so detached from him forever. If we got back together, I couldn't be detached like that with him.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
Consider a 180 on this because being controlling is cold and unloving, invalidating and denying another their identity.
And eventually most healthy individuals will want out of an R like that.
So if you get back together you can recommence a vice grip?
I would suggest detaching is the essence of your learning.
Attracting back your H by detaching when he thinks you have changed and then going back on it will send him running to the hills. its inauthentic, consider real change on this.
It is false pretenses. If you have no intention of staying detached then I think this cycle will repeat.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I've recently asked myself about why I want to be married, especially to my H and had to be honest with myself that yes, part of it was for selfish, needy and weak reasons.
But more and more I'm wanting to be married to him for good reasons and yes, to have a union that honors and pleases God and where He is the foundation.
I want to grow old with him and create the kind of family we envisioned b/c it would be of us and we could make it however we wanted it to be, regardless of the families we came from.
I want to create a home and family full of laughter, warmth and peace with him.
H and I connected from day 1 and we both immediately felt like we had found the missing pieces to our puzzles.
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All outcomes you are attached to.
What of this is actually in your sphere to influence?
Can you rewrite this to goals for you over which you have control?
With or without WH.
How can you invest in you?
=========================================== I am adding further questions
Where is the room in this for your H views?
What about what he wants or thinks?
Would you want to be in an R where it's outcome is defined by another's wants and needs?
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Attracting back your H by detaching when he thinks you have changed and then going back on it will send him running to the hills. its inauthentic, consider real change on this.
It is false pretenses. If you have no intention of staying detached then I think this cycle will repeat.
V
Hope,
I was thinking similarly to what you seemed to be thinking: that the detaching was "temporary" and that, if we were blessed enough to get a second chance with our WAS, then we could "reattach". This post by Vanilla is so eye-opening!
As I have said in previous posts to you, I think you and I have similar situations. We seem to think a lot alike. I also was very controlling in my R with my H. Seeing Vanilla spell it all out in this post makes me realize that, once again, I was missing a key point. All this work we are doing on ourselves is meant to help us and our R in the future (with or without the WAS), but it really is a gift to detach and not be controlling or manipulative. I know my H would've loved for me to not be such a "nag" or "stress about the small stuff". I think by truly doing a 180 and not be attached to him in this unhealthy way, it would've helped my M tremendously. How did you feel when you read that detaching is actually "warm and loving"?
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Attracting back your H by detaching when he thinks you have changed and then going back on it will send him running to the hills. its inauthentic, consider real change on this.
It is false pretenses. If you have no intention of staying detached then I think this cycle will repeat.
V
I was thinking similarly to what you seemed to be thinking: that the detaching was "temporary" and that, if we were blessed enough to get a second chance with our WAS, then we could "reattach".
Vanilla, I don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling right now b/c I know I am and have been fighting my need to control situations and especially my H. I controlled him for a good portion of our M and b/c he's a nice guy, a people pleaser, he went along with it. I knew I was doing it, and it's been a very tough pill to swallow. Knowing that I messed up a good thing and some other woman who know how to treat a man will benefit from my H's good nature. So that's one part of it. Another part is that I don't know how to have a warm and loving relationship without feeling the need to steer in the way that I think is best. You've illustrated an entirely other layer to me about detachment that I wasn't aware of and I'm very confused as to how I can be a confident partner in any relationship (M, friends, leader, co-worker, etc.) without needing to control/manipulate the situation to make the outcome work in my favor.
Broke, you and I are extremely similar and I am trying to get it into my head that detaching is actually a healthy way of interacting with people. I'm trying to wrap my head around the difference between detaching and "reattaching". I'm trying to process what it means to be attached but detached. To love and offer support and nurture a relationship without feeling the need to police it at all times. I literally cant understand how a healthy couple would remain detached from each other or interact in a detached way. Is there another word for this? Or an illustration of what that looks like in a healthy partnership?
Free will. Yes free will. And I do care about H's views. I guess I didn't before, that's why he felt dismissed, neglected and not supported. I'm just so sorry I didn't realize sooner. I tried to orchestrate the show. He always said, "You always get your way, B. It's been your way this entire time." God, why didn't I listen when I had the chance.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
I understand where you are coming from. I am the same way.
My codependence has created lots of issues for me and my relationships. It's hard to think how two completely seperate people can be independant and remain in a loving relationship.
I have friends in great relationships that sometimes take a vacation by themselves without their spouse! That blows my mind! I would never even consider that, but they appear to be very happy and in love.
I think alot of our control issues are fear based and anxiety driven. If things don't work perfectly, then something must be wrong. So we control and maniupulate the situation to make sure it's perfect.
Unfortunately, this creates a lot of pressure on our partner and make them feel less than. Like we really don't value them because what they think and do doesn't matter.
