Wife wants to separate at end of school year

[G8r]

I hear you and feel your pain. Didn't think I would be bugged by today since I thought of it as a hallmark holiday, but it has bugged me. Thinking about taking D3 out to dinner. Good luck working through the day. Hope it goes well for you.

[Bhuda1]

I find myself becoming more discouraged and frustrated with the lack of any evidence that my divorce busting efforts are actually having any positive affects to saving my marriage.

I know it is best for my children if we wait until the end of the school year to proceed with a full separation. I have focused so much of my time and energy considering other people's feelings before mine that I am ready to take charge and do what's best for me for a change. I find myself wanting to tell the wife to finally pack up and leave so that I can get on with my life.

With her still in the house it's too hard for me to accept the current situation. Having her here, I find I am failing at becoming a true DB'er. As hard as I try to show little concern for her daily routine, I inadvertently show interest. It's who I am.

Still no response from her since a stated my position once we separate. I gave her so much to think about but still nothing from her. I know if
I had never brought up my concerns about our marriage she still would not have mentioned anything about her unhappiness with me. If I don't bring things up I will never know the truth or where she stands. I am under no assumptions that she has changed her mind, but with zero conversation about our situation I have no idea if I have made any progress.

I know it will be selfish of me to force her hand and have her to follow through on her threat to separate earlier than originally planned but if I do nothing, I am showing weakness. It is my view that I am not strong and giving her the control of my life.

I trust the advice I receive here, I just need more of it. Any help will be appreciated

[1313]

Bhuda1,
I read your post and am most sorry to hear about your situation. You sound like a great Dad who is focused on the right things at the moment.

Coming here I feel a bit strange reading everyone's problems and feel as if I'm eves dropping. However, I know I vented here and said things I've not told anybody.

I too have a WW who started with an EA that took just a few weeks to turn into a PA. I believe she was the one pursuing, the OM is divorced 17 or so years.

I found that the "don't believe a word they say, and half of what they do" to be sadly spot on. My W was discussing plans such as landscaping or remodeling together up to the second she filed for D.

I don't know whether it's a form of denial, lying to cover or just plain mean. It only makes things that much more of a shock.

I'd like to know why you think that by living together you cannot DB properly. Perhaps I read it wrong? To me, still being able to communicate means you've still got some way of showing your WW what your plans are. I'd give anything to roll back the clock 2-3 months and use that time I had when we were still talking and at least she was pretending things were normal.

I've been kicked out, locked out and have zero communication. I'm 99.9% sure it's completely over. History has been rewritten, and she's always been headstrong. Once she decides something, that's it. She's turned her back on her faith and I'm the reason for her unhappiness in life.

Although it might only change from 99.9% to 97%, I at least fantasize that if I could show her I'm not a disgusting, repugnant slug - much - there could be a chance. As they say here, if time is on your side it's a gift. The clock is ticking, so make use of every second.

[Bhuda1]

The reason I feel by living together I cannot DB properly is I can't help myself in showing I care and by doing so I am sure its a sign of pursuing. Since we started dating, minus a few poor choices on my part such as golf trips when my children were young and poor spending habits which since have been rectified, I try to be the loving husband to care for and look after my wife. She has been ill recently and I continue to make sure she is looked after. Letting her rest while I tend to the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping. I did these things prior to the bomb drop as well as doing little things like buying her medication or surprising her with take out without asking her first.

I have always done these types of things for her, even when I made the poor choices. Not to receive praise or brownie points but strictly out of love and respect for my wife. This is the type of action I should probably be doing a 180 on but its not my make up. This is why my DBing efforts are failing. I have been good in other areas such as showing indifference when she goes out with friends, telling her to have fun, not waiting up and also getting a life outside of our home.

Now I am faced with another dilemma. I have been invited to a conference through my work to stay at a beautiful resort in Scottsdale, Arizona. I want to go but I want her to join me. Part of me wants to use this opportunity as a new beginning. A time for just the two of us. Do I ask her to accompany me? If so, how? I know it will be persuing. The time away from the kids could work wonders but it may also be a total waste of my time and money.

With absolutely no discussion about our sitch in recent months, I just don't know what to do.

[Bhuda1]

I'm back. I am in a tailspin. No progress in my situation. I need help and guidance. As mentioned, we still live under the same roof, share the same bed. We are cordial but I know I am not divorce busting as well as I should be.

I have not initiated any affection and there has been none in return. I continue to be available to her. I am home when she gets there after work. Mainly because I am done earlier than she is, I prepare supper most nights, prepare the boys lunches for school most mornings. We are stuck in a routine.

I have hired a personal trainer to improve myself. Where I have failed is "Getting a Life" My problem is my circle of friends are busy and we share the same friends. My life has revolved around my family and my wife. I have nowhere to go to get a life.

I make excuses to leave the house just to make it look like I have other things to do. I usually end up at my office wasting time.

I guess as long as we are in the same house, nothing has changed. I have made mistakes and I am paying for them. She has never opened up unless I pry. I refuse to pry anymore. In the past by my trying to pull her closer, I have pushed her away only increasing her resentment towards me. This has stopped.

I am so alone. I thrive off affection. I feel so empty not being able to show her I really care and would do what it takes to save our marriage. Sometimes I notice some sort of sign that she cares, but that fades quickly.

In short I am available to her. She still has all the perks of being married outside of affection. There is no reason for who to realize at this juncture that she may miss being away from me, when I am always around.

I get so mad at her for her lack of acknowledgement of what I do for her and for our children. I do not do things for acknowledgement, I do things for my family because I want the best for them. The feeling of being so unappreciated eats away at me. I cannot stop as I do not want to disrupt the lives of my boys but I also feel like saying enough is enough. Get out of damn house and live your life without me. There is no way I will move out as she wants to separate.

I need guidance.

[sandi2]

I get so mad at her for her lack of acknowledgement of what I do for her and for our children

But you previously posted that you have always done everything for her b/c that was just your makeup.

If you have read about no more mr. nice guy, then you know this ^^^ is a trait. And, getting angry b/c of her lack of acknowledgment is a negative trait nice-guys have. You see, you don't want to stop being in a service-type of role.......yet it makes you angry when there is no payoff. Perhaps your LL is acts of service, IDK. But I can tell you from experience, your method is not effective with getting her to desire the MR.

Don't kill time at the office b/c you have no GAL activities. Find something you enjoy doing. You haven't been M your entire life! Surely there is something you can do that doesn't require your W being by your side. Get out there and drive around. Look for places to go, things to attend, activities to do.

I am so alone. I thrive off affection. I feel so empty not being able to show her I really care and would do what it takes to save our marriage. Sometimes I notice some sort of sign that she cares, but that fades quickly.

You are lonely and feel empty b/c she is not showing YOU that she cares, and b/c you refuse to leave the house and GAL apart from her. Whenever I see a LBH, such as yourself, who continues to do the same thing and refuses to try what DB is suggesting........I wonder what it will take for him to wake up and see it's not working. Then sometimes he wants to blame it on DB and say DBing isn't working.

You have stopped a couple of things, which is good. Can't you just try to 180 being available to her and giving her cake to eat?

In short I am available to her. She still has all the perks of being married outside of affection. There is no reason for who to realize at this juncture that she may miss being away from me, when I am always around.

You are the only one who can do something about you.

[Bhuda1]

Thank you Sandi2. I want you to know how much I appreciate you advice. I agree with everything you say. My GAL is so non existent. It's been so long I have trouble remembering what I did when I was not married. I spent so much time with my friends who are now married or moved away. My best friend is married and when we are together it's during work hours or social gatherings.

I am 51 now. Things I did when
I had a life before marriage don't sit well with me. I frequented a pub just to watch sports or socialize with my friends. I am a social person and I never really did anything on my own. How pathetic is that. Now that hockey season is over for me, I have less to keep me busy. I do work out purely to get in shape. I don't enjoy it. My interests are sports but I would be active with my friends who have given up the sports I still,play.

I don't recall the "no more Mr Nice Guy" section. It's been too long since I have read Divorce Remedy. I have some homework to catch up on. I am not suggesting DB ing is not working. I know I have swayed from the DB methods and it's my fault for not following the guidelines better. I am discouraged as d day is fast approaching. I will read the book once again so that I can focus and up my efforts.

[Bhuda1]

Today after a discussion with my wife, I realize that separation is inevitable. I know that I have done things that are inexcusable and the main thing is not keeping my wife informed about the debt that I had accumulated. I should not have kept this from her. I had hoped my business would have turned around and the debt paid off and she would be non the wiser. Obviously I could not keep the truth from her.

I am ashamed that I did not respect her enough to tell the truth, out of fear, embarrassment and pride. It is inexcusable. This is the main reason for my sitch.

I love her more than anything. I have failed so far at db'ing. Although she is ready to give up on our marriage, I am not. I was told to read ... I have not had any luck finding that book but I will keep trying.

My previous actions eat away at me every minut of every day. Hindsight being 20/20. I only wish I had the balls to admit to my wife that things were not as financially sound as I let on. I continued to treat my family although I knew I couldn't afford the lifestyle. Now I am so careful with my spending I deny myself so much and only buy what is needed.

My life has been so consumed with my family, other than work and going to the gym, I cannot find a way to get a life. I am scared of a future without my wife. I know she will always be a part of it as we have two beautiful boys. My eyes water every time I think of how a separation/divorce will affect them. My family is the most rewarding thing in my life.

I still have hope on my side. I do know a separation is not divorce but it is the first step and I hope that if we are do separate and I follow through with the DB techniques, we will be able to get back together.

Our discussion will be continuing later this evening when the boys got to bed. I just don't know what I will say. She has always placed me on the defensive and no matter what I say she always reverts back to my debt accumulation. She says we are both to blame but she finds away to dig the knife a little deeper. I keep my cool but sometimes I feel like exploding. I need help!

[CWOL]

I was told to read .... I have not had any luck finding that book but I will keep trying.

You can buy it on Amazon.com, I think it's only available electronically now.

[Bhuda1]

It's the morning after my wife and I had a lengthy discussion. I was prepared to be confrontational and difficult but its not who I am. Although things did get tense we were civil.

As the discussion progressed I realized how much I want this to work. I know I really have to let go if I want DBing to work. I am not using the DBing techniques as well as I should.

My wife really opened my eyes to how poor our partnership has been. Our problems stem from lack of communication. Due to this lack of communication, it also showed a lack of respect for each other. When we needed to discuss something such as my debt issues, boys getaways and other poor choices I made, these discussions were avoided in fear of being confrontational on both sides. We never argued or fought, concerns were swept under the rug and that is the main reason we are in this situation.

Every time I thought of how the inevitable separation would affect our boys, my eyes would water, as they are now as I write this. My kids have always come first. I know I have excelled at being a great father. I have failed at being a great husband. I made mistakes that I will use as life lessons and strive to never repeat my errors of the past. I just hope I get the chance to show her I have learned from the past. I need to have another discussion with my DB coach because I am lost right now.

All I have is hope. Is it false hope? Only time will tell. I will focus on being the best DB'er I can. The saying "you never know how good you got it until its gone. That truly applies to me. My wife has been my life. Unfortunately I failed in showing her how much she means to me, by my actions.

I had to bite my tongue on one occasion last night when she said "Kids are resilient and they will get through this as long as they know they have two parents that love them. I know based on the information provided by Michele that this is not necessarily true. I know the best thing for my children are to have two parents together in a marriage. My older son is very much like my wife. He internalizes everything and is somewhat pigheaded. My younger son is very much like me. He is emotional and sensitive.

I am scared of life without my wife and how our future will unfold. Although we are both to blame for our situation, I accept most of the blame. I do know she still cares for me. I just hope she can overcome the resentment she has towards me. I can't change her feelings. I can change me. This is what I can control.

One bright spot is, she finally commented on my physical transformation and asked how much weight I have lost and that I looked good. I thanked her for noticing.

Its been hard not being able to show her any affection but I have succeeded. I have failed at being too nice to her. Still doing little things such as making her coffee in the morning, asking her if she needs anything when I go to the kitchen, run errands. Its my make up to be considerate in this type of thing. Too bad the consideration wasn't applied to more important aspects of a good marriage.

I always thought I was a good husband, that is until she brought to light how my selfish ways of the past really hurt her. I was so irresponsible, selfish and in short down right inconsiderate of her feelings in too many circumstances.

I am ashamed of what I have done.

Our discussion turned to What Next? As much as I know that the present situation as "room Mates" will not work, I do not want her to move out even though she asked if she should look for an apartment. I know its the right thing but I do not want her to leave.I said its her call. I will not kick her out but I will not leave our house.

For others who are in my situation or have overcome this situation, I would appreciate any and all advice.