He likes he work I'm doing in regards to my codependency. He talked about now that I don't have WAW, I'm missing my identity. That's not good and something I need to work on.
I told I'm scared of being stuck in the bargaining/denial stage. He said that's tricky for me because I was able to get waw back once before. How could I not have hope that she will wake up and come back?
He thinks waw is probably guilt ridden and that's why she avoids me. I worked so hard to get her her house and then she bailed on me.
Something interesting we discussed was the rescuer, persecutor, victim cycle I get myself into and how it creates issues in my relationships. I rescue people, then get angry when they don't reciprocate and ultimately become the victim. It was eye opening for me.
I think back on some of my relationships I can see it. I will rescue or do some grand favor for my partner. The hope is to gain their approval. If they don't reciprocate, I become resentful of them and might pout or act angry or withdraw. This pisses my partner off and then I feel bad about it.
^^^this is stuff I need to work on.
I always feel better after talking this stuff out. I told him my goal is to become solid on my own. He liked that and said it would make me a much better partner in the future.
It's nice to have direction when you want to improve yourself. I'm codependent, too. But my IC says we were in pursuer/distancer relationship. I think it helps to know what we should work on to improve ourselves, grow and improve ourselves for our future relationships. I'm glad you feel better and have a solid goal to work towards! Keep it up, Thorton and thanks for all the supportive feedback!
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
I like Colorado. We talked about retiring to Boulder, it's nice but she loved it. I liked Estes Park but my wife thought it would be to cold in the winter. We've spent a couple of weeks there each summer the last few years. What part of the state do you live in?
I really love the Santa Fe and Jemenz Mountain region of New Mexico. If I get divorced I think that's where I'll go. I love the mountains and the colors of the high desert.
Hi Thornton, your IC work sounds incredibly helpful and will be a good investment in yourself whatever the future holds. I would encourage you to carry on that track and keep digging/reflecting with support to improve your awareness of these themes and relational dynamics.
There have been a few DBers in the Bounder area. I know there is a Rebuilding Seminar that runs there too, if that's of any interest. I know you already have your divorce group - which sounds great anyway.
I'm encouraged when I see posts like the one above from you. It is a much better path than - how could she have done this? I thought we were soul mates? For your R with her, I actually don't think she would be doing you any favours if she turned back now and wanted to R. If I'm being really blunt here - She has 'bailed' twice already , has issues with her use of alcohol and some other 'brokenness' from her past. I think it is best to really explore that and carefully consider what you want and whether you would be willing to give things another try if she chose to turn back to the R. And I think the work you are doing will give you the strength and resources to make a healthy decision.
For now, you do have the gift of time - and I truly think it is a gift in this case (I know it may not feel that way - at all! - but I truly think you will look back and see the gift in hindsight.) For now, try your hardest to keep making the best of it.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I know there's some stuff I need to work on. I just wish there was a way to speed up the process.
I shared with IC last night that I have a fear of being stuck in the bargaining/denial stages of grief. I struggle making it through the day. Yesterday afternoon was particularly hard.
My commute home from work is about 45 minutes, and I was a mess thinking about all of this. Im so glad I had an IC appointment, I really needed it.
I still struggle with finding out who I am. Who is Thornton? What makes him tick? What does Thornton like? I become enmeshed in my relationships and lose sight of that stuff. I become one dimensional, all my eggs in one basket.
I think that's why I struggle so much with break ups, I have my entire life wrapped up in another person. If that person leaves, I'm left stranded in the middle of a desert with no compass.
I won't give up. But I wish there was some sort of way to check my progress to avoid getting discouraged..
All your eggs in one basket is a hard way to live my friend. But if you search yourself there must be something that interests you outside the relationship, whether it is a sport, hobby, art or music. What were you into before your R? What is something that takes your mind off your sitch? It is hard to find something to take part in when it feels our world is crumbling around us, but when we do it gives us brief moments of peace where we are not preoccupied with R thoughts. Search yourself friend and I am sure you will find it!
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
The hard part is when you are experiencing depression, nothing seems interesting anymore.
You could usually find me in the gym 4-5 times a week but I've had no interest for the past month. I've been a gym junkie for most of my life, I need to force myself to go again.
I've looked at meetup groups in my area but most of them seem really weird. Psychic groups, gypsies, or marijuana horticulture groups, or drinking beer groups (I live in Colorado).
^^^ No offense if you are a beer guzzling, pot smoking gypsy
