Thanks for coming back and clarifying Zeus. Well, I've been thinking about your comment from earlier all day. And shed some tears a few times today. Since getting back on track with DBing, I've definitely stopped the clingy/pursuing behavior, although I thought I'd stopped it already and had only made a small mistake, but nevertheless, done.
I've recently asked myself about why I want to be married, especially to my H and had to be honest with myself that yes, part of it was for selfish, needy and weak reasons. But more and more I'm wanting to be married to him for good reasons and yes, to have a union that honors and pleases God and where He is the foundation. I want to grow old with him and create the kind of family we envisioned b/c it would be of us and we could make it however we wanted it to be, regardless of the families we came from. I want to create a home and family full of laughter, warmth and peace with him. H and I connected from day 1 and we both immediately felt like we had found the missing pieces to our puzzles.
But you're right, I came to depend on H for all of my emotional needs and he just kept giving and giving, and I kept taking and of course grew insecure, critical, controlling and defensive. I've learned alot from this experience and I will continue to learn how I can be a stronger, more confident version of myself, and love myself the way I used to. Of course I just didn't want to go through this growth without H by my side, and I his. For now, all I do is lean on and trust God b/c it's all I can do. I have no expectations anymore, and I'm just trying to make choices that keep me in God's will for my life. I miss my H terribly and long to see him and share about my life with him but he doesn't want that and there's absolutely nothing I can do about that.
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
Thornton, coming off your thread, I also feel discarded. For awhile the analogy that seemed fitting was that I felt like I was living in a box in the corner of a room that H never goes in and only opens the box every so often to make sure the thing in it was still alive...or whatever. That was back when he contacted me more frequently. Now, I think he's moved more stuff into the room and stacked some boxes on top of me. Or to summarize, extreme compartmentalizing.
Leaves me wondering the same things as you due to lack of interaction:
Does he even miss me? Did he forget about me? He must be having a blast since this is what he's been wanting for so long. Is he in love with OW?
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
Thank you for clarifying your earlier post. I appreciate all your advice that you give those of us with WAH. It is very helpful and I can't thank you enough for sharing your personal experiences. It really has helped me to have your brutally honest perspective. Thank you.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Lets try to reframe what Zues has said about detachment.
Detachment is a psychological state which prepares you to act in your own best interest.
It is about focusing on you not the outcome, it is being ok with any end result even if you have a preference. It is being able to adjust to act in a better way without self criticism.
No more concentrating on someone or something you have no control over.
This isn't just about your R. It is a new way of being in the world.
Doing that which is right for you irrespective of the outcome and being ok with it is a way of life.
It is about your boss at work who may not like the report, the girl in the coffee shop who serves you cold coffee, the train that is late, the computer that just wont connect to the internet, the DBer who describes what you write as gobbledygook.
It is about your wayward who has scrambled eggs for brains.
It is WTF it makes no sense and move on.
It is about your own interactions with yourself. It is about 180s.
It is for the rest of your life not just to repair your R for a couple of months.
It is the Serenity prayer in action.
It is knowing the only thing you have control over is your actions and beliefs (not even your own emotions).
It is being in observer mode.
This is a huge thing and if you get it, really get it, it will change your life irrevocably permanently.
Once you know you can never unknow.
There will be great shift.
Working hard at detachment is the opposite of what is needed. Work less hard at it and let things unfold in time. Observe others and what works. Cease to strive and start to be and do in this moment.
Have written goals for you, start there and just do what is needed for you.
Detaching is one of my biggest tools in my toolkit.
It is attaching to yourself rather than another.
Detaching is not being unattached or being dark. One can be very detached and yet still be full contact.
That's how it is for me
Hope that helps
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I've recently asked myself about why I want to be married, especially to my H and had to be honest with myself that yes, part of it was for selfish, needy and weak reasons. But more and more I'm wanting to be married to him for good reasons and yes, to have a union that honors and pleases God and where He is the foundation. I want to grow old with him and create the kind of family we envisioned b/c it would be of us and we could make it however we wanted it to be, regardless of the families we came from. I want to create a home and family full of laughter, warmth and peace with him. H and I connected from day 1 and we both immediately felt like we had found the missing pieces to our puzzles.
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
All outcomes you are attached to.
What of this is actually in your sphere to influence?
Can you rewrite this to goals for you over which you have control?
With or without WH.
How can you invest in you?
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I also ask those same questions when I'm feeling sad about the state of my M. But, I'm trying hard not to go there because it's mind-reading and we can only control ourselves not our WAS. I know you are feeling very low because you've had so much time go by with no contact. Keep up the db'ing. Stay strong - know I am thinking of you and pulling for you. I hope you have found comfort in what Zeus and Vanilla posted.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Thank you Vanilla and Thornton. I'm just going to keep working on my detaching, 180s and DBing - all of that. I've already given the whole thing to God and trying to let go of the outcome, although my faith does play a huge part in all of this.
I've been working on my goals and I know I'm getting better at them. I just got back from the gym, ran a couple miles and did some ab work. May take a dance class tomorrow afterwork. Otherwise, a lot of my goals are relational and deal with working on how I interact with people. I'm relearning how to effectively communicate and be more positive without some of the negative patterns I've picked along the way in my life that are less than desirable (and things H complained about).
But thank God I have support from all of you here and resting in the truth that ultimately, detaching is more for me that anything else. Although, I think I need clarification on what you meant by this:
Detaching is not being unattached or being dark. One can be very detached and yet still be full contact.
How is that even possible?
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
Detaching is not being unattached or being dark. One can be very detached and yet still be full contact.
How is that even possible?
I have an admin assistant that works with my team. When I need her help with something we sometimes chat for a moment. If she's taken a vacation or something big has happened in her life we might catch up for a few minutes. I might see her every day, and sometimes have to work with her briefly to accomplish a specific task. Then again, we might not see each other for a week. We are friendly towards each other, but it is a work relationship.
I am far from dark in that I see her most days. I don't avoid her, or act distant or angry or withdrawn or anything like that.
But I'm sure not pursuing anything with her, nor do I really care what she thinks about me. She doesn't occupy any space in my head, and I'm sure this is the most I've thought about her in a year.
It seems impossible, but use this model to guide your actions now, and the feelings WILL follow.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
