Staying the Course Pt. II

[HopeRB]

Thanks for coming back and clarifying Zeus. Well, I've been thinking about your comment from earlier all day. And shed some tears a few times today. Since getting back on track with DBing, I've definitely stopped the clingy/pursuing behavior, although I thought I'd stopped it already and had only made a small mistake, but nevertheless, done.

I've recently asked myself about why I want to be married, especially to my H and had to be honest with myself that yes, part of it was for selfish, needy and weak reasons. But more and more I'm wanting to be married to him for good reasons and yes, to have a union that honors and pleases God and where He is the foundation. I want to grow old with him and create the kind of family we envisioned b/c it would be of us and we could make it however we wanted it to be, regardless of the families we came from. I want to create a home and family full of laughter, warmth and peace with him. H and I connected from day 1 and we both immediately felt like we had found the missing pieces to our puzzles.

But you're right, I came to depend on H for all of my emotional needs and he just kept giving and giving, and I kept taking and of course grew insecure, critical, controlling and defensive. I've learned alot from this experience and I will continue to learn how I can be a stronger, more confident version of myself, and love myself the way I used to. Of course I just didn't want to go through this growth without H by my side, and I his. For now, all I do is lean on and trust God b/c it's all I can do. I have no expectations anymore, and I'm just trying to make choices that keep me in God's will for my life. I miss my H terribly and long to see him and share about my life with him but he doesn't want that and there's absolutely nothing I can do about that.