Still NC - Let's do the limbo pt2

[TimR]

I am right there with you both Thornton and Sparks. Seems to go against all reason that the more supportive you are the more you get $h!t on. The nicer you are the more they don't want you? Is that what love is supposed to be? Just when I feeling I am doing good I realize I am not!

[Sparkls]

It certainly makes you wish you could use people the way you've been used. Sometimes I wish I could be cold and callused. When my mom died, I was able to slip into my medical world and cope the best I could. But just when I was spending more time living and less time grieving, this sh*t happens. I don't believe in a god so it just feels like life wants to make this as hard as it possible can be.

[broke]

Daybyday hit the nail on the head - you need to speak up if you are unhappy. And You certainly don't make things worse by having an affair! Isn't it amazing that so many of us have the same story. I'm so glad I found this board. Wish I would've found it months ago.

Sparks - I have to ask you though - would you really want to be the person who uses others? I sincerely doubt it because you are here on this board trying to save yourself and your R. I certainly want to be able to hold my head high and say I wasn't the liar or cheater or the one who bailed when things got tough. None of us were perfect in our relationships but at least we are here trying to better ourselves and fighting for our partners. My guess is most of us here couldn't consciously be cold and calloused even if we tried. That's why we are here. Db'ing for ourselves with small hope for our relationships. We gotta keep fighting the good fight.

[Sparkls]

I couldn't be that person even if I wanted to. And rationally I know I never would want to be, but when it hurts this much to be the good person, it's hard to not want to just give up. I'll always be the person who takes the high road and who can't help but caring about everyone (hell, I'm worried the OW is not addressing her massive codependency issues and the next time a bf leaves her, she's going to kill herself. She's not taking her Meds, not going to her C. My BF has become her whole world now. What happens when he does to her what he did to me.) I could make his world burn but that's not who I am. My friends all keep calling me a saint and have said if he did to them what he's done to me, he'd either have some significant bruising, be in jail, or be jobless and penniless. But that's not me. Yes, I have things to work on. But moral fiber and strength of character aren't them. Thank god for that at least.

[Thornton]

I feel the same way. Life sure seems easier when you have a cold heart. At least you won't have to worry about getting burned.

But that's just not who I am either. And I wouldn't want to be.

I just want to be appreciated for my willingness to work hard at something. Relationships take a lot of work, you have to make a decision every single day to work on it. I was willing to do that, she wasn't. And that really stings because there were times when I could have easily made a justifiable exit. But I decided she was worth it, that she wasn't perfect and neither was I. So I stuck it out.

[broke]

Thornton and Sparks - agreed. It hurts so much knowing how much we put into our relationships that it would be nice to be that cold and calculating. But just being here on this board asking for help and trying to fix yourself shows your true character and moral fiber. Wouldn't be worth stooping to their levels. I know it totally stinks to be here, but I would never want to be my H right now. I'd never switch roles with him. Some days I feel sorry for him. He must really be an unhappy human to have left a good M after 20 years and devastating his 2 sons. I would hate to be any of these WAS if they ever truly face the consequences of what they've done.

[Thornton]

Honestly, I think their decisions will come back to haunt them. There's not many people out there like us that are willing to walk through fire and brimstone to be with them.

Maybe they will get their hearts broken by OP and then it will click for them. That they shouldn't have taken us for granted.

[daybyday]

Broke, if they could face their consequences with a clear mind they couldnt help but be devastated because there are so many layers of spouses life and childrens lives and financial lives and social lives that get utterly dismantled by a selfish choice(in 99% of cases) to just F-ing quit!! I, too and thankful for this board and all the supportive people. Thornton you are a major giver on this board and I hope that gives you a little bit of joy that you try to help as you are helped.

[TimR]

Speaking as an outsider looking in I believe what broke wrote to be true. My mother cheated on my father and then left him. She started a life with OM and that failed after a few years. She then bounced around from place to place before entering her most recent relationship (which is miserable for both of them).

When she first left I was 16. She used to talk to me about my dad (he did the same) and it was always be put downs. What a jerk he was etc etc. Now if you were to ask her about him, she would basically describe a saint. Oh how he sacrificed for his family, how he would do anything for us, what a good provider he was, how he taught us boys to be men etc etc. I have absolutely no doubt, none what-so-ever that if he asked her back she would return in an instant... if she thought it would do any good she would go back and beg. Problem is when he got over his pain (btw I don't think he did just built a huge wall around his heart complete with machine gun nests and a moat) he was done with her forever. Since she left he has seen her twice and it made him miserable, my graduation from undergrad and my wedding.

My point is at some point I think the WS or WAS wakes up and realizes what they left, the real issue is... is it too late. If it is, I don't think that they ever truly find happiness or peace knowing what they lost. I think they will always have that regret. I also have another scenario from when I was 16 that plays right into this.

[broke]

I think it will be extremely difficult for them to actually face what they've done. Easy to justify it and just move on. Right now. But it may happen if they have some integrity. Yes, it's horribly unfair that we would do anything to fix the relationship and we don't have the chance. But, we can only focus on ourselves and make ourselves the best we can be. Really that will be the best "revenge" - living a happy, fulfilled life. It's a tough road ahead but that's my goal.