I Think it's Way Too Late

[1313]

TimR, NYGal, thanks.
I can't speak for how I'll feel in May, but I sure can right now. I get sick to my stomach - but you know the feeling.

I also haven't gone through the court stuff yet either. Who knows what crazy state I'll be in - I might be mad as $#&*!

But I do know right now I'd lose it. Not on her or him, but just me. I'd fall apart.

I'd hate to spend the entire time at the event(s) (there's an artist reception and the next night the auction) "not looking" and making sure I was on the other side of the venue. Plus, having to explain why we're not together. Then, watching who sides up with who. More rejection.

The sad part of this is - in rewriting history she told me she had a terrible time when we did this last year. And in fact, I remember having some really great times and fun - then all of a sudden she'd back off and start to detach. Dummy. If only I'd have known, not been in denial and have read DR.

Hindsight is always 20/20, right?

Oh yeah, the court date is in 2 1/2 weeks. The lawyer doesn't want to file anything regarding getting into the house mostly to save money as we're so close. The court will of course not be humored by her doing this, unless she comes up with a compelling reason. Ugh, that's so depressing.

TimR, I'm having a really hard time imagining pulling things back together after a D. When this is over, it will be like a nuclear bomb went off. All the things that are "us", a mind-boggling art collection, furnishings, homes etc. will all be gone. The amount of money spent or lost will easily be a high 6 figures, possibly 7.

Again, I don't know how I'll feel - but at that point it's almost like a death. If I'm having to start over at 60 - how can I do it with somebody I started life with at 23 and effectively erased my entire life? At that point I think I won't only have dropped the rope, but doused it with gasoline and set it on fire.