You did a great job with your son, and I applaud you for the entire conversation. It was perfect. Your son is smart, and he knows when adults are authentic, and you nailed it. Go you!
I'm sorry he's hurting. It's so lousy when parents don't choose to step up to the plate. I'm sure like many of our former spouses here, there will come a time when his dad wishes he had made a different choice.
And I second Mozza's thoughts on your mom.
What really helped me work on letting go of my expectations of others (which surely left me disappointed), my IC suggested that I replace that thought of disappointment with, "she's doing the best job she can with her resources". It doesn't mean that I have to like it, but it makes it easier for me to meet her where she is, rather than cry about why she isn't where I want her to be. Does this make sense?
BTW, for Lent my resolution is to find compassion for every person who crosses my path. It's beyond difficult, but I've found that it makes me honor the difficult paths faced by others and to accept their presence in my life. For strangers and acquaintances, FB seems to be a hard row to hoe - all the political diatribes get me riled up. Instead I tell myself, "this person is anxious, they're upset, and it's easier to blame people who don't think like you for their problems." For some bizarre reason, that settles me down.
I offer this to you too. Your mom clearly has her own issues and opinions - and clearly they are different than yours. But she's the only mother you'll ever have, and no matter what you wish were different, you're stuck with her and she with you. Try to accept her shortcomings and see her flaws as something that hurt her in her past that she didn't work through. She holds on to her fears like the rest of us. Just be glad you heard the knock on your door of change and stepped up to the challenge?
I can find compassion for people who don't know how to make themselves better. They're just stuck, afraid, and they aren't committed to the uncomfortable process.
Don't defend yourself to her observations. I know she could have answered differently. But your unhappiness seems to be some sort of weird way for her to feel better about her stuff. I'd probably start answering back (without sarcasm), "I know you love me and want to see me happy, and I'm getting there. Thanks."
Whenever I do stuff like this to my mom (different twist, same idea), she's caught off guard. I enjoy getting the upper hand that way - it's kind, assumes the best and leaves the best on the table unsaid.
What does your mom like to do when she comes to visit you? My mom feels best when she's cooking for me and doing stuff. So I not only let her, I give her free reign and that makes her feel happiest. However, if I stick to my agenda, it makes her miserable and we end up fighting. I think it's in our Aries nature, Maybell. Make the week about her, or at least give her that idea and see if you can make that square peg work for you this time around...
Hugs, Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
