Maybell XXXVIII: Settling In

[Mozza]

I'm afraid I did have a nice Valentine's Day. I didn't have the kids so I saw New Girl for the first time in a week. I brought ingredients to her place to cook dinner (she was coming back from a 3-day retreat), but of course there were more urgent things to do at first... I spent over 24 hours at her place and it was nice to see our relationship evolve, as we get to know each other, share history and expectations.

And you?

[Maybell]

I think we had almost the same weekend, Mozza. I just wish they were longer.

[SunnyB]

Maybell, glad to see you happy and upbeat!

[Maybell]

I feel like I ought to write an update but I'm not sure what to say. New Guy is really good. I am wanted by someone who is gentle with me but firm, open, and likable. D12 likes him, the boys are neutral. They have had very, very limited interaction (by my design). My friends really like him. He's helpful. He's planning time together. I'm still worried the other shoe is going to drop, but less. I love how slowly he's taking things... And then in other ways he takes us for granted as a couple, though that's also terrifying. I'm not sure I'm ready to be part of A Couple, and yet how we are together we definitely are. Neither of us wants to give the other one up, so there you go.

I tried to explain my trust issues to him last night and I hurt his feelings, so I had to explain more thoroughly. Because these are not his issues I think it was hard for him to hear. I hope it's ok. I do not want to hurt him. I have been working really hard to be who I am with him, but a lot of the time it's like walking through the woods in the dark. Sometimes I wonder why he sticks around. But then again he's making plans for us for August and that's so far off relative to how long we've been together that it makes me nervous too.

I've been working on improving my relationship with my mother, mostly by trying to give her what she wants. I'm not finding a break there. She's terribly insensitive, which is frustrating because she takes every little thing so personally herself. We had a really good conversation on Friday and then at the end she said "You aren't still screaming at everyone, are you?" -- referencing how upset I was when Mr. Fantastic first left me. (My parents thought my behavior was horrible and didn't take my shock, fear, and misery as any kind of an excuse at all; nor did they try to soothe me.) They were here in September and I wasn't then so I don't know why she had to say that (she did a lot of screaming at me though...) Sometimes I wonder why she always feels the need to twist the knife on me. Why couldn't she just have said "I'm glad you're happy again," and just let me be? I do not know how to navigate that relationship in a way that doesn't leave either me or her feeling frustrated and resentful. New Guy says I should just know I can't turn to her for support, but that interaction showed she's not safe when I'm happy either. My parents are coming to stay for a week in March so I'm a little anxious about that.

I'm in a good place right now but I'm also very much finding my way. I'm moving forward on the career front and excited about that! I think I'm just where I'm meant to be. Finally.

[Maybell]

S8 had his belated birthday party today at an arcade, so I invited Mr. Fantastic. S10 spent the whole party with his dad (S8 nearly none). Tonight when I put the boys to bed, S10 started crying and asked me to stay with him. Then he told me he's been really, really sad since before Christmas, sometimes even crying at night, over me and his dad splitting up.

I had to think really carefully about how I responded to him. I asked if my dating made it worse and he said no, that he just really wants more time with his dad. This I can't do anything about, and S10 has already pulled on the big boy boxers to ask his dad for more time together and he's been turned down. Personally I can't fathom even saying no to my child for more time together with him, let alone doing it without any explanation or sympathy, which is my understanding of how that message was delivered, but there's not much I can do about that.

I told S10 that I was sad that he was sad and that if I could make it better I would. I did not throw his dad under the bus at all. I said that there are some things that will just always hurt and we had to learn ways to live with them anyway. Then I asked him to list all the things that are good in his life, and I told him that how life works is that we have the things that make us sad or angry so that we can recognize the things that make us smile and laugh when they come along too.

That felt so insufficient. But I didn't know what else to say about a hurt I can't heal.

I told him how much I love him and that he's stuck with me. I said "Even when you're a teenager and you stomp your feet and tell me that you can't wait to move out, I'll still love you and you'll still be stuck with me." He laughed and said, "I'll never say that."

I think I handled that as well as it can be handled. There is nothing to be done. He is sad. His dad is letting him down and that will not be cured. It is a wound my children will bear for life. All I can hope to do is teach them resilience and hope that I'm the kind of parent who mitigates things for them as well as I possibly can.

D12 told me tonight that she HATES Mr. Fantastic's GF. She couldn't explain why. I don't know what to do with that, especially since she said she really likes New Guy. It's not a competition.

Also at the party today Mr. F was trying to be friendly and chatty with me. I avoided him as much as I politely could. I don't know why he does that. It's like if I'm not spitting nails at him he thinks I want anything to do with him. I don't. Back off. I'll be polite but I don't want him to know anything more about me than he needs to for the sake of the kids.

That's all for tonight. I feel sad for my baby boy. I hope I can help him grow through this.

[Mozza]

Thanks for the update Maybell. I am curious to see how things evolve for you. I'm especially happy that things seem to be developing well with New Guy. I was advised by my IC and a lot of my reading to stop projecting myself too much in the future, to go easy on the analysis. Why not just go with the flow? I understand the urge to bring up trust issues (too bad he took it personally, it's obviously not him), but how about keeping it for the moment where you do have problems trusting him?

As for your kids, I think you did the best you could do, that anyone could do. Life hurts and we can't protect our kids against all of it. As you said, we can only help them build resilience. Well done.

Regarding your mom, your (perfectly reasonable) expectations are hurting you. Think of her as an animal, with certain immovable characteristics. Would you get upset at a cat for sleeping so much? At a dog for running around? At a sloth for being slow? Obviously she's projecting on you what she can't do herself and that's why she's laying it so thick. I would venture that it's self-hate, nothing directed at you. Every time she lashes out on you, especially where it's hypocritical, remind yourself that she's really just talking to herself.

I've a theory on why Mr F. is chatty: he just doesn't know. WW was the first to dump me ever and, looking back on past breakups, I had the same kind of insensitivity towards my exes. I would want to be nice and chatty when I met them. One of them did put me in my place, and I backed off, but I don't think I got it until I got dumped. WW never got dumped and she's trying to be chatty and nice...

[Ginger1]

I'm sorry to hear about your S and how hard he is taking things. My e and I split when our D was 6 months old, so she never knew anything otherwise. Ex married OW, they have been married 5 years. For some reason, even though my D7 at the time never knew anything other than us being divorced, she was having a hard time, hating splitting time between the homes, didn't understand why she was with me more than him and since she never experienced the divorce, or saw unhappiness, she couldn't comprehend why we weren't together. I took her to a therapist, but we couldn't really find one locally, so I spoke to the school guidance counselor and she started seeing her once a week. Then the school developed a program where some peers in her grade come from divorced families sit down and talk to eachother once a week. It helped her greatly. She felt like she wasn't alone and she had an outlet. My daughter is every therapists dream, she will talk about her feelings all day long, you don't have to yank anything out of her, lol. I know it could be different for boys. Maybe ask your S10 if he'd like to talk to a therapist. Sometimes they need an outlet that isn't their parents so they don't worry about what they might say. You spoke to him perfectly, you handled it great. He just might need an outlet.

As far as your ex becoming chatty, I don't like to assume, but it probably has to do with new guy. My ex who isn't typically helpful, but we get along after all these years, offered me, D8, my new guy, and his D6 a ride home from the airport during bad weather. We had a crazy day, missing flights and getting delayed, and wanted updates the whole way to make sure everything is ok. I texted him saying we got uber, we were 20 minutes away from home, yet he still wanted a text when we got home. he never cared before, even when his D was involved, all of a sudden he was caring.

You can chose to be chatty back, or not, when my ex is rather friendly, I go along with it. When he isn't, I ignore him.

Post D R's with ex's can be very strange, I just learned ot take them in stride.

[Underdog]

Maybell,

You did a great job with your son, and I applaud you for the entire conversation. It was perfect. Your son is smart, and he knows when adults are authentic, and you nailed it. Go you!

I'm sorry he's hurting. It's so lousy when parents don't choose to step up to the plate. I'm sure like many of our former spouses here, there will come a time when his dad wishes he had made a different choice.

And I second Mozza's thoughts on your mom.

What really helped me work on letting go of my expectations of others (which surely left me disappointed), my IC suggested that I replace that thought of disappointment with, "she's doing the best job she can with her resources". It doesn't mean that I have to like it, but it makes it easier for me to meet her where she is, rather than cry about why she isn't where I want her to be. Does this make sense?

BTW, for Lent my resolution is to find compassion for every person who crosses my path. It's beyond difficult, but I've found that it makes me honor the difficult paths faced by others and to accept their presence in my life. For strangers and acquaintances, FB seems to be a hard row to hoe - all the political diatribes get me riled up. Instead I tell myself, "this person is anxious, they're upset, and it's easier to blame people who don't think like you for their problems." For some bizarre reason, that settles me down.

I offer this to you too. Your mom clearly has her own issues and opinions - and clearly they are different than yours. But she's the only mother you'll ever have, and no matter what you wish were different, you're stuck with her and she with you. Try to accept her shortcomings and see her flaws as something that hurt her in her past that she didn't work through. She holds on to her fears like the rest of us. Just be glad you heard the knock on your door of change and stepped up to the challenge?

I can find compassion for people who don't know how to make themselves better. They're just stuck, afraid, and they aren't committed to the uncomfortable process.

Don't defend yourself to her observations. I know she could have answered differently. But your unhappiness seems to be some sort of weird way for her to feel better about her stuff. I'd probably start answering back (without sarcasm), "I know you love me and want to see me happy, and I'm getting there. Thanks."

Whenever I do stuff like this to my mom (different twist, same idea), she's caught off guard. I enjoy getting the upper hand that way - it's kind, assumes the best and leaves the best on the table unsaid.

What does your mom like to do when she comes to visit you? My mom feels best when she's cooking for me and doing stuff. So I not only let her, I give her free reign and that makes her feel happiest. However, if I stick to my agenda, it makes her miserable and we end up fighting. I think it's in our Aries nature, Maybell. Make the week about her, or at least give her that idea and see if you can make that square peg work for you this time around...

Hugs,
Betsey

[claire7]

Hi MB,

Tough to follow Betsey ' s wise and articulate response, but I wanted to share that I've done a lot of work on finding compassion and understanding for my mother. I spent the first half of my life wishing she would be the kind of mom I wanted her to e.

She can't. She had a lot of unresolved issues that she is unable to work through. I have to accept that about her and try to see her as loving me the best she can-- because I know she does love me, even if it doesn't look or sound or feel like it sometimes.

I've also used it as a way to reframing myself with my daughter. I am more self-reflection and self-aware than my mom...so I can use it as a learning experience to be the kind of mom I wished I had (or maybe even to be the kind of mom my daughter wants and needs as best as I can).

That's been helpful too. Most of the time (when my own emotional state is in check), I can have patience and compassion. Sometimes, when I'm tired or sad, I can't. ..and I forgive myself for that too.

Can you find compassion for your mom?

[Maybell]

Thank you everybody for your input.

Can I find compassion for my mom? I'm trying. That's why I keep making the effort. This last time she caught me off guard and it really hurt, especially after I had just spent the phone call telling her how happy I am, how much better off we all are, etc. It really hurt. If I go into a conversation knowing to be on guard she can say things all day long and I can keep her at arm's length without getting too hurt, but when I let my guard down, have a free and open conversation, and then get blind-sided like that, the hurt penetrates.

I've been struggling with a constant low-level panic that I'm going to get hurt by New Guy. He has given me ZERO indication that he's leaning in that direction at all -- if anything, he is looking more into a long-term future together than I have been. But I can't shake the fear. Any suggestions? I need to let that go before I attract the reality.