KGirl - new life, new stuff

[KGirl]

I've read a LOT of articles about getting over break-ups, and I think I invested a little too much in the idea of "feel your grief, don't push it away, take as long as you need to to be sad" - to the point where it's consumed me. Complicated by feelings of rejection, worthlessness ("how come no one can stay with me long term??"), abandonment, feeling like I'm to blame, etc. While I know it's OK to be sad, I think there's a point where you have to stop wallowing in it lest you get stuck there indefinitely and can't live any other way/actually get to the clinical depression point. I do recognize the stuck places at least - just haven't felt motivated enough to get out of them. I guess I hoped that if I let the sad come, that eventually I'd get sick of it and be ready to move on - hasn't happened yet. Logically, for example, I know that the thought of "how could a guy who hasn't been able to hold down anything past a date or two, reject ME?" is a function of not having enough self-esteem to validate my own worth, and trying to rely on it from people who I think surely can validate it - but when they reject me it's even worse.

What was different about my XH/the divorce compared to now that somehow makes that feel easier: I lived with XH for six months after BD so I started to get really angry/mad. Being angry/mad helped. But it's hard for me to be mad at XBF because honestly I was happy and things were good for most of the time (so it feels like now, anyway. I know the last week of our R I was crying every single night because I was so confused, but a week in the grand scheme of things seems so little now). And I can excuse his behavior because he "just didn't know - he's inexperienced."

I have a counseling appt on March 10 - I booked it back when this all happened so I doubt I can get anything earlier, so I need to hold on until then.

I put on actual business casual clothes today! Hopefully that will help. I have dinner night at a friend's place tonight, and then tomorrow is an all-day conference for people in my job here in town with happy hour afterwards - it's an event we look forward to for a long time so I need to focus on staying in the moment and enjoying it. I went to a board painting party at my sister's Saturday night and found that while I was doing that, I was happy/not thinking about the whole XBF/breakup situation, so I need to recapture that in a way that it's sustainable throughout my daily activities.

GAL stuff:
-I signed up for a volunteer orientation to start volunteering at the library downtown, in the book store (selling used books as a fundraiser). That should be fun. I love reading, the library, the organizational side of stocking/shelving books, and I'll still get to interact with people through the customer service side.
-I am going to plan a trip for spring break. Not exactly sure where yet. I want to go back to Las Vegas - I seem to be drawn there after big life events (right after I moved out, and right after D was final). I feel "guilty" that I'm not trying something new so I need to figure out if I can just accept that that's what I want to do and enjoy it! I might be able to convince my sister to go so that would make it different. Otherwise I have no problem going by myself.
-I have some arts and crafts projects I would like to start (or finish, in some cases).