KGirl - new life, new stuff

[Maybell]

What goals have you set for yourself? You need something with a deadline to focus on --- a charity event, a paper you're writing for publication, a mission trip to plan for, or maybe a race you need to train for. Something that will give you a sense of achievement at the end. You need to be active in your own recovery.

Hugs again, but buck up! You've got this!

[KGirl]

Wow, those are big types of goals. Honestly I am still unable to do things like... make dinner. Do dishes within a reasonable amount of time. Get off the couch. Not cry at work. Wear real clothes to work (we don't have a dress code but people have been commenting that I'm "dressing down" compared to usual - jeans and a flannel shirt have been par for the course lately). It feels impossible to look at bigger stuff when I can barely pull through a single day. But maybe I can focus on the one-day-at-a-time things and then set my sights higher when I get there, I don't know.

[Maybell]

Then start small. Your goal could be a clean kitchen every night before you go to bed.

And you sound properly depressed. Please see your doctor. Take this seriously.

[Mozza]

I agree with Maybell's small steps. I took a lot of comfort in certain routines, like posting one picture a day on Instagram. I also joined a gym 7 months after BD (still going 10 months later!). I also made sure to cook every meal I had with the kids. So find small things, like doing the dishes. Dressing properly will do wonders for you. Perhaps you can choose your clothes in the evening, when it's easier, and just step into them in the morning. Yep, that would be my first choice.

But I'd like to go back to GAL you actually enjoy. I don't think we ever got there. Forget about what you should be doing. It was helpful for m at the time to think in terms of "permission", as in giving myself permission to do certain things. Take some time to reflect on stuff you love. When you have that feeling of "OMG, could I really do... this?" or "Yes! I should have thought about this earlier", then you're getting there. Give us five such things!

It's ok to take some time to get over it. It's still your low self-esteem that's keeping you down, that sought a safe place where to hide from the pain of S. But there is no such place, where it can't happen. Hopefully you'll come out of it swinging for the fence for your next relationship.

[KGirl]

I've read a LOT of articles about getting over break-ups, and I think I invested a little too much in the idea of "feel your grief, don't push it away, take as long as you need to to be sad" - to the point where it's consumed me. Complicated by feelings of rejection, worthlessness ("how come no one can stay with me long term??"), abandonment, feeling like I'm to blame, etc. While I know it's OK to be sad, I think there's a point where you have to stop wallowing in it lest you get stuck there indefinitely and can't live any other way/actually get to the clinical depression point. I do recognize the stuck places at least - just haven't felt motivated enough to get out of them. I guess I hoped that if I let the sad come, that eventually I'd get sick of it and be ready to move on - hasn't happened yet. Logically, for example, I know that the thought of "how could a guy who hasn't been able to hold down anything past a date or two, reject ME?" is a function of not having enough self-esteem to validate my own worth, and trying to rely on it from people who I think surely can validate it - but when they reject me it's even worse.

What was different about my XH/the divorce compared to now that somehow makes that feel easier: I lived with XH for six months after BD so I started to get really angry/mad. Being angry/mad helped. But it's hard for me to be mad at XBF because honestly I was happy and things were good for most of the time (so it feels like now, anyway. I know the last week of our R I was crying every single night because I was so confused, but a week in the grand scheme of things seems so little now). And I can excuse his behavior because he "just didn't know - he's inexperienced."

I have a counseling appt on March 10 - I booked it back when this all happened so I doubt I can get anything earlier, so I need to hold on until then.

I put on actual business casual clothes today! Hopefully that will help. I have dinner night at a friend's place tonight, and then tomorrow is an all-day conference for people in my job here in town with happy hour afterwards - it's an event we look forward to for a long time so I need to focus on staying in the moment and enjoying it. I went to a board painting party at my sister's Saturday night and found that while I was doing that, I was happy/not thinking about the whole XBF/breakup situation, so I need to recapture that in a way that it's sustainable throughout my daily activities.

GAL stuff:
-I signed up for a volunteer orientation to start volunteering at the library downtown, in the book store (selling used books as a fundraiser). That should be fun. I love reading, the library, the organizational side of stocking/shelving books, and I'll still get to interact with people through the customer service side.
-I am going to plan a trip for spring break. Not exactly sure where yet. I want to go back to Las Vegas - I seem to be drawn there after big life events (right after I moved out, and right after D was final). I feel "guilty" that I'm not trying something new so I need to figure out if I can just accept that that's what I want to do and enjoy it! I might be able to convince my sister to go so that would make it different. Otherwise I have no problem going by myself.
-I have some arts and crafts projects I would like to start (or finish, in some cases).

[KGirl]

... so my friend is laying it out for me. By the second date, I knew this guy had: no job, no car (common for college students in my town but not full-functioning adults), no real-life relationship history, and admitted he had trouble doing things like talking to people he was interested in, maintaining eye contact, and getting off his computer and into the real world. I need to do a better job of acknowledging red flags QUICKLY and backing the F away, instead of thinking everyone is a stray puppy I need to take in and take care of/fix.

[Mozza]

Yay for your friend! It will be quite an achievement when you reject a man who's interested in you, because he's not enough for you. (I'll just challenge the "no car" criteria: I've no car either! Yet I have two kids, a job and my life is pretty together now!) It was my own journey: before, I would stay with women for fear of hurting them by leaving and also because I was just too happy that they'd be interested in me. In the last year and a half, I've grown out of it and now I'm dating someone whom is everything I want in a person -- including being into me!

By the way, my IC kept an eye on me while I was dating. Our conversations helped me realize quickly whether I was enthusiastic or not (perhaps a friend could do this for you, as you debrief your future dates). It reminded me not to get too involved with people that attracted me mildly. When I met New Girl, the difference was obvious. I had no reservations, I was enthusiastic and hoping to make it work.

Thanks for the GAL list although... I think you can do better. It's hard to feel your enthusiasm for any of it, although I can tell that you can justify each of them. What I'd like to read is "You know what? I'm gonna finally do it!" How about going to Paris instead of Las Vegas? Cancun? Do you have a passport? How about having it prepared now? Check the specials! You can get amazing deals, especially if you're flexible. And just like that, you'll become that wordly woman who attracts the wordly and witty men!

You mentioned losing a few pounds recently. Do you think you'd be ready to join a gym? I mention it because it was one of my steps (7 months after BD though) and the routine and results did wonders for my mental health at the time. Physical activity is good for your morale. Seeing your body transform is also very affirming. It's a GAL that accumulates benefits.

So, did you dress up for your conference today? How did it feel?

[KGirl]

It's hard for me to recognize the dating things like you described. I thought I was enthusiastic about XBF at the time.. but I think it's in my nature to want to give people a lot of benefit of the doubt.. and it's also what my job is based on ("OK, you have a 2.9 GPA and want to go to medical school.. that's OK! let's talk about how we might achieve that" is not an uncommon conversation I have with people.)

I don't really have enthusiasm for much of anything right now which is why I'm thinking depression or actual mental health issues (as opposed to just situational stuff) may be a real issue. I really have to make myself do anything like hang out with friends, do things I used to find fun, etc. I don't have a valid passport right now, sadly! I actually went and got my picture taken and started the application, thinking XBF and I might want to go somewhere (he was a dual Canadian/American citizen so he traveled to Canada periodically) so now it's hard to even finish filling out the application without thinking about that.

The conference had pros and cons. I did wear "real clothes." The keynote speaker talked about self-authenticity in the face of change. She asked us to do an exercise at our table where we wrote down a change we were recently facing in our lives, pick a postcard from the table that visualized that change, and talk about that with our tablemates. I knew I couldn't do that w/out crying so I opted out. Then she asked us to write a six word memoir about how we saw ourselves in the future.. which I also was not able to think about without getting upset. People at my table wrote things like "happy, hopeful, and always working hard" or "she did the best she could"... sigh. Then the first session I went to was about "compassion fatigue" - how do you take care of yourself when you spend your day listening to other people's trauma and issues? Which, while helpful, was also emotionally stressful. It was good, but difficult. Happy hour afterwards with a number of my colleagues was better but I realize now that 3 beers pre-dinner does not do much for my coping skills and just makes me more sad ultimately.

[Maybell]

Doctor. Meds. STAT.

[claire7]

KGirl,

I wanted to give you a big ol' internet hug and tell you how sorry I am to hear that you are feeling so down. I've known some dark days myself, and I understand how brutal they can be. You are brave for reaching out and being honest here.

And I would have to agree with Maybell. I've been reading your recent postings and it does seem like you might need some professional help you get unstuck. I also know from my own experience how difficult it can be to take those steps to get help. So, please know that we are all here cheering for you and wishing you well. You will get through this.

Sleep well and keep us posted.
((KGirl))